03.11.2020

"The Rules of Happy Families" John Miller and Karen Miller. D. Miller, K. Miller. Book review

(by John Miller and Karen Miller). As an experienced parent beaten by life, I don’t really like books of this kind, I was wary. But there’s nothing to do, the book is already there, it’s small and cute, with a bookmark (I’m really good at bookmarks now). I decided to carry it with me to my daughter’s classes, so that while waiting for her from class, I could read it in the hallway. But it just started New Year, Christmas trees, holidays, then other circumstances. In general, I never finished reading the book.

But a reason to write about her still appeared. I’m writing here.
This is very strange to me, but the authors of the book actually initially engaged in training and education for employees of various different companies, teaching them “personal responsibility.” They developed a concept of how to ask the right questions, taught them to adults, and then came to the conclusion that all this would work in families, with children. Well, this is just normal, I think, there are people everywhere, whether in the office or at home. Moreover, they are experienced parents, they have seven children.
It was very difficult for me to start reading the book. Because what I read somehow didn’t fit with what I know and see around me. But perhaps the problem is that I actually communicate very little with people, almost not at all. The authors give an example of incorrect parental questions: “Why doesn’t my daughter.........?”, “When is my son already.........?”. Do parents really ask such questions? Maybe American parents are asking them? Or maybe it sounds very different in English and Russian and it’s a matter of translation? And... maybe I, once upon a time... could pose the question this way? But asking a child, “How can I become a good parent for you?” I definitely don't like this.
The authors teach parents to take personal responsibility for what happens to their children by asking the right questions. But it’s really strange for me to hear that personal responsibility needs to be taught. On the contrary, at some point in my life, I took some step forward, allowing myself to “not be responsible” for everything that concerns children. At this stage of reading, I decided that apparently it’s a matter of the difference in mentalities, ours and the American one.
Then it became a little more fun. I liked the comparison of children with the “tenants” of the house, while parents are the “owners” of the house and they will always take care of the house and the order in it better than the “tenants”. My husband, however, actively did not like this comparison. But shouldn’t I know how similar this is to the truth.
If you have already read American educational books, then you will not be surprised at the manner of presentation, with many repetitions and returns. This probably irritates many people. What can you do, it’s customary for them. But still, I realized that I agree with most of what they write about, because my three completely different children taught me a lot. Would I have been able to hear what they write about when I had one child? Don't know...
Here, somewhere, the holidays began and the book was abandoned. But, one day, when my husband began to scold his son very hotly for not hanging up his school clothes (and he does this stubbornly and persistently, and I simply stopped trying to correct the situation, although my husband and I were very tired of it), I suddenly I heard that he does this with the help of those very questions. And I told him, “You’re asking the wrong way” (in fact, I was laughing at that moment, they were both so nervous that I just really wanted to smooth out the situation). Let's go and ask differently. “Darling, what should we do to make sure you hang your clothes in place?” Then there were some conversations that were not particularly remarkable and we did not agree on anything special. But the main thing is that he began to generally discuss with us ways to solve this problem, which he had simply refused to see before. We agreed that we would remind him for some time that he needed to hang up his clothes. Now, when he comes home, his son says, “No need to remind me.” This has been going on for some time now, I don’t know how things will go further, but there have been no such successes before.
So I'll probably finish reading the book.

Karen Miller, John Miller

Rules happy families. A book for responsible parents

All rights reserved. No part of the electronic version of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet or corporate networks, for private or public use without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by the Vegas-Lex law firm.

This book is well complemented by:

Make your children successful

Jim Rogers

Whole life

Les Hewitt, Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen

Strength of will

Kelly McGonigal

Personal development

Stephen Pavlina

Don't fall for marmalade

Joaquim de Posada, Ellen Singer

Preface

The absence of any obligations of parents towards the child in the Ten Commandments is striking. It must have seemed unnecessary to God to regulate by law what He protects by love.

Robert Brault

My father and mother, John and Karen Miller, are not parenting experts, but I consider them excellent parents. They are not child psychologists, have not conducted special research and have not defended master's theses on family counseling, but their parenting methods speak for themselves. I think, as the eldest child in the family, I can say with all responsibility: they may not be ideal parents, but they did an excellent job.

I know I sound like a kid bragging about his parents, but not only am I the eldest of seven children (six girls and one boy), but I also work at QBQ, where I help my dad get his message across. personal responsibility through trainings, public speaking and coaching. And despite the fact that family business very difficult for me like work for and with parents. This alone is enough to understand the effectiveness of their parenting methods.

Of course, they made mistakes, and so did I, but in general, I always had great relationship, which have survived to this day. I remember being genuinely perplexed when my friends complained about problems with their parents. Although I had my moments of “losing my balance,” I never wanted my parents to leave me alone or leave home.

The main reason I consider them to be good parents is that they are guided by a practical and powerful concept called “The Question Behind the Question” (QBQ), which allows them, and other parents, to develop personal responsibility for education. If parents were only allowed to choose one parenting method, it would definitely be QBQ.

My dad came up with this method before I entered my teens. He then began teaching Personal Responsibility and QBQ to the business world. Almost immediately, he noticed that clients wanted to use this technique at home to become better parents. He often heard: “I can apply this in my family just as much as I can in my work!”

QBQ terminology soon seeped into the everyday interactions of many different families, including our own home. From time to time, we children teased our parents, especially our father, with questions like: “Oh, dad, You would you like to ask QBQ right now?!” Of course, we said this as a joke, but we really can be called a QBQ family.

Great news: any family can become the same.

I'm sure adults lack the tools to raise children. Parenting is hard work around the clock. I always suspected this, but now I know firsthand: she became a mother herself. My husband Eric and I are grateful for a useful tool called QBQ, not just us, but so are many other families. I receive letters from parents who describe parenting problems and tell how they use the method at home, wanting to better cope with their task of raising children.

But we should not forget that this book was not originally addressed to parents. I remember one grandmother, having heard my father on the Dave Ramsey radio show, immediately bought two books on our website: QBQ! and Flipping the Switch, but soon after asked if they could be returned. When asked about the reasons, she replied that it was all “about business,” and she wanted her adult children to read the book and raise their grandchildren correctly.

One day I was having lunch with a friend who has two children. We were chatting about our mom stuff and she said, “The last thing I want to do is read another parenting book that tells you step by step what I must do. Almost nothing from these books can be applied in life. I need thoughts that will make me think and principles that will help me do a better job raising my children.” To which I replied: “My parents are just writing such a book.”

So, here is a book written for parents, grandparents, and for anyone who is interested in best methods raising children. We are sure that this kind of book is needed for one reason: the art of raising children can be learned. So I promise that you will find practical and useful ideas in it that, through your persistence in implementing them, will eventually turn into skills. Believe me, you will be rewarded!

Personal responsibility

You cannot avoid responsibility tomorrow by avoiding it today.

Abraham Lincoln

Our twenty-year-old daughter Molly was looking after a neighbor's 12-year-old boy one weekend whose parents were away. On Saturday morning, Molly brought the guy to us, along with his friend Grayson. We had never seen Grayson before, and we didn’t know his parents either. We didn’t know what kind of people they were, where they came from, what they did, but something We became aware of them thanks to visual evidence - their son.

Our Colorado ranch covers several acres with a large barn and swimming pool. There are signs everywhere that many children live here (we have seven of them): a trampoline, a rope, a well-worn ATV and a bunch of “electronic toys” at home. Our children - Christine, Tara, Michael, Molly, Charlene, Jazzy and Natasha - love this home. Therefore, the boys had fun all day long until it got dark.

Around seven in the evening Molly shouted: “Guys, it’s time to go home!” Hearing the rapid stomping and noise of doors opening and closing, we thought that the boys had run out of the house, so we were a little taken aback when Grayson appeared in the living room.

– Thank you for inviting me to your place, Mr. and Mrs. Miller!

“You’re welcome,” we answered. - We hope you had a good time.

- Not that word!

– You will come to us again, right? – asked Karen.

- Certainly. Thank you!

- Great! Bye, Grayson.

- Have a nice evening. Goodbye!

Wow! Did we just have a conversation with a very polite young man who thanked us? Did he really just say, “Have a nice evening”?

It immediately became clear to us: he didn’t pick it up while staring at the TV screen. He adopted this behavior from his parents, because, like all children, Grayson is a product of his parents' upbringing.

Someone will want to argue about what comes first - “nature or nurture”, but we will not delve into this topic. Of course, some character traits or characteristics are already inherent in the child from the beginning, but if we are not vigilant, we will begin to refer to nature every time, wanting to justify the actions of our children. Since this book is dedicated personal responsibility before children, we strive to encourage parents (and we are no exception) to look for the reasons why children think and behave the way they do in their upbringing. Today there is an opinion that children need to “develop character.” This is important, but the whole point is that character is formed under the influence of parents.

We know this is hard for many moms and dads to accept, so we say it now to set the tone for the entire book on personal responsibility:

If parents have problems with a teenager, then, most likely, they arose back in early childhood.

We recently received a letter from parents:

Our 8th grade son is driving us crazy! Once a week, he must empty all the trash cans in the house, collect the trash in bags and place them on the side of the road to be picked up by the garbage truck. But instead, he constantly drags large buckets out into the street, knowing that this should not be done! He behaves the same way in other situations. When he doesn't set his alarm and is late, he blames his sister for not waking him up. If we ask him to break away from computer games and take up homework, at first he doesn’t pay attention to us, and then he says that we are “nitpicking.” If he is not ready for a piano lesson, he does not feel any responsibility towards the teacher at all. What should we do? Help!

The situation is, of course, difficult, and we sincerely sympathize with these people, but such problems do not appear suddenly. This is the result of parental education. Therefore, you should not ask “Why do I have such a difficult child?” and “When will it change?” We call these kinds of questions incorrect questions, or NV. The right questions are: “What my did actions create this problem?” and “Why to me start to educate differently?” These questions, which we call QBQs, not only represent responsible thinking, but also force learning, and where there is learning, there is change. Parents just need to change their way of thinking and learn the following principle.

My child is a product of my upbringing.

We know that some will want to argue by pointing to other factors that influence the child. They can be understood. But we believe that it will be easier to learn personal responsibility in education if you do not resist this principle, but take it as a basis. With such a strong foundation, any parent can become the best dad or mom in the world, no matter the age of the child.

The art of parenting can be learned

Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; Now I have six children and not a single theory.

John Wilmot

Karen settled into her seat and prepared for the two-hour flight. A charming little boy of about four years old sat directly behind her, with his parents on either side of him. Like almost all boys at this age, he was very active. Karen felt it herself: he constantly kicked the back of her seat, and they hadn’t even taken off yet!

This went on for several minutes until the father threatened his son:

“If you don’t leave this lady’s chair alone, Santa won’t bring you anything for Christmas.”

Hearing her father's words, Karen sympathized with the boy. She was tempted to turn around and say, “It’s okay, don’t worry.” But before she could even open her mouth, her behavior worsened. But not a child, but parents! Mom entered the conversation with an ominous prediction:

“If you don’t calm down, the police will come and take you to jail.”

When the plane took off, the kid sat down with a coloring book. Silence and peace reigned until the mother began to make comments:

– You put too much pressure on the paper. You'll break the stylus like that. And don't go beyond the lines!

Twenty minutes later, the child was handed a DVD player without headphones. For the next hour, he watched the movie at full volume, not allowing the surrounding passengers to talk, think, or just sleep!

When the plane landed and passengers began disembarking, Karen heard from the young couple:

“Now I understand why my parents gave us some brandy before the flight.” Maybe we should do the same next time?!

We all know that flying with small children is not an easy task, but we still agree that the parents in this case could have handled their baby differently. Surely they could benefit from a couple of parenting tips - why not work on themselves? As Christine noted in the introduction, “the art of parenting can be learned.” If parents simply ignore this and do not try to improve, they will not get the results they expected when deciding to have a child. We are all capable of absorbing new ideas, implementing new techniques and forming new habits, and if we succeed, both adults and children will benefit.

Learn to ask deep questions

A smart question is a good half of knowledge.

Francis Bacon

Personal responsibility is a reliable principle that will allow parents to eliminate victim mentality, complaining, procrastination, and blaming from parenting. When we lament the actions of our children, when we put off waiting for someone to do something, when we look for scapegoats, there is no personal responsibility in our actions. But we can work it out using a tool called QBQ.

QBQ stands for Question Behind the Question and is defined as follows:

QBQ is a method for helping parents develop personal responsibility and acceptance. right decisions in the process of education.

All this is achieved through asking the right questions. When faced with a parenting problem or experiencing a feeling of disappointment, we mentally ask ourselves the following questions: “Why don’t the children listen to me?” and “When will they start doing what I ask?” They are natural to ask, and the reasons for their occurrence can be understood, but directed at anyone and everyone other than the person asking the question, they indicate a lack of personal responsibility. Just looking in deep down these questions, we will find the right ones. For example: “What should I do differently?” and “How to become a good parent?” By asking these questions, you will focus on yourself and try to change something. You have no idea how positively the new wording will impact you and your family.

QBQ is an applied education tool built on three simple principles, helping to formulate responsible questions:

1. QBQs start with “what,” “how,” and “how,” rather than “why,” “when,” and “who”:

a) “Why” questions lead to complaints and activate victim thinking, for example: “Why is parenting so hard?” or “Why is my child doing poorly in school?”;

b) “When” questions lead to procrastination, for example: “When will my children start doing what I ask?” or “When will someone take care of this?”;

c) “who” questions lead to accusations and a search for those responsible: “Who did this?” or “Who will help my children get good grades?”

3. QBQ always puts actions first. Personal responsibility brings about positive change now, allowing us to do our part to educate and make a difference.

The fundamental idea of QBQ:

Quality questions generate quality answers. The QBQ principles show how to formulate and ask quality questions. We'll also look at the types of questions to avoid, but the main thing to remember is that QBQs are questions about us, is a tool that allows us to shape our own thinking. Of course, many questions can be said out loud, such as: “How can I help you?” But in most cases, QBQ is the right question to ask about ourselves, because it is We we can find the right answer to it.

Moreover, the QBQ method not only helps you ask the right questions, but also prompts right decisions. Parents have to make many decisions every day. And what do we usually choose? Second option that came to mind. At these moments there is a wonderful opportunity to change something, change your way of thinking. By helping you make the right decisions, QBQ teaches you to control your thoughts and allows you to transform your life and approaches to parenting.

We know parents want practical tools, and we believe QBQ provides the practical guidance they need to successfully raise their children. But in order to learn how to use it, you need to learn certain terminology and formulations. Bad Questions (IQs) start with “why,” “when,” and “who” and lead to victim thinking, complaining, procrastination, and blaming. Comparing HB and QBQ, you will understand how easy it is to implement this effective method in life:

Study carefully comparison table. Feel it, which means asking the right questions, QBQ. Imagine how personal responsibility brought into upbringing will affect the family. And have no fear: anyone can implement the QBQ method immediately!

Thirty-year-old Corey, a sales manager and father of two boys, attended a corporate training session on the QBQ method. Realizing that the technique could be used much more widely, he looked forward to introducing it into his family. Remembering what distinguishes QBQ from NV, he called his sons over and asked:

- Guys, what should I do to become a good dad for you?

According to him, his seven-year-old son hugged him, and his twelve-year-old made a whole list!

If you ask important questions at home, then be prepared for the fact that the answers may quite surprise you! But once you start parenting using the QBQ method, you will see that everything changes for the better - to everyone's satisfaction.

Why me?

Self-pity is ours worst enemy, and if we succumb to it, we will never do anything good.

Helen Keller

As we strive to be good parents, don't forget this: Victim parents are always whining. Who wants to be around a whiner?

Entering the victim mentality begins with asking the wrong questions (IW):

Why isn't anyone helping me here?

Why doesn't my baby eat what I give him?

Why don't children listen to me?

Why don't teachers help with education?

Why isn't my daughter trying?

Why is my son so irresponsible?

Why is everything so hard?

Raising children is not easy, but questions about poor, unfortunate me lead to endless complaints from some parents. With all due respect, we believe that parents who are asking the question “Why me?” should be put on the “bench”!

Sheri, the mother of an eleven-year-old girl, works full time for a pharmaceutical company. In her letter, she lamented her relationship with her daughter Amy. After the divorce, Sheri raised the girl on her own, but at one point she realized that she was too stressed, screamed too much and simply could not cope with the role of a single mother. But Sheri didn’t know what to change. According to her, she asked a lot of ineffective and incorrect why questions:

Why don't you put more effort into your studies?

Why are you so gloomy all the time?

Why don't you clean your room when I ask?

Why don't you start another company?

At work, Sheri completed the “Personal Responsibility and QBQ!” training. Having learned to ask QBQs during professional activity, it suddenly dawned on her: after all, they can be asked and Houses!

That evening she asked her daughter:

– What should I do right now to become a good mother for you?

The floodgate has opened. Sheri didn't even have time to come to her senses before Amy blurted out:

- Stop telling off my friends!

Sheri was dumbfounded. She expected anything, but not this. “Have I criticized my daughter's friends? Am I really such a picky mother? – flashed through her head. But she pulled herself together:

-What do you mean, dear? Tell me more.

According to Sheri, the most important conversation of her life lasted about an hour. Through laughter and tears, mother and daughter established contact and a breakthrough emerged in their relationship. Both had wonderful memories of this conversation. And all because the mother, who had almost slipped into victim thinking thanks to dangerous why questions, asked her daughter a question starting with the words “what” and “how”, containing personal pronouns and aimed at specific actions.

Sheri chose a better path to personal responsibility by replacing the NV from the “Why isn’t my child changing?” and “Why does he always rebel?” on QBQ: "What to me what to do to understand it?", "How to change yours behavior at home? and, of course, “What to me What should I do to become a wonderful mother for you?”

Deep questions are a great application tool to help us become ideal parents. It also gets rid of the victim mentality, which is not good for anyone.

Learning to earn money

Most people miss their chance because he is dressed in overalls and looks like real work.

Thomas Edison

Do you agree with the following statements?

All players on a sports team should receive awards.

Children should have latest models electronics.

You can give a limousine to a thirteen-year-old child for his birthday.

Mobile phones are not a privilege, but a right.

Driving a car is not a privilege, but a right.

We suspect that most moms and dads will answer, “Of course not!” or “I completely disagree!” Responsible parents ask themselves the following questions: “ I am I instilling similar thoughts and beliefs in my child?” And " I raised children suffering from dangerous disease entitled " I have the right to"»?

And finally, the most difficult question: “How I acquired this disease?

John in the book "Extraordinary!" (“Outstanding!”) talks about companies in which people work without rest, invest a lot of effort and energy, show high level loyalty and do whatever is required. In other words, they work, and with inspiration. Employees similar companies the thought does not even arise that someone owes them anything, since they are sure that they should earn your salary, benefits and bonuses. In fact they want earn it all. Such people know that greed, expressed by the philosophy “I deserve it!”, does not contribute to a normal life.

To be honest, is it really the belief that everyone is owed to you - a position opposite to the position of a victim - that makes the world better? Are we making a positive impact on the lives of those around us? Are we benefiting society? Are we learning, growing, changing, realizing our God-given potential?

We believe that the answer to all these questions is a decisive No!

There is an antidote for this disease of people of all ages:

Learn to earn money.

For those who learn to achieve anything through hard work, the thing that hinders us is that we live in a world that constantly throws up arguments in favor of a consumerist mindset. It is very difficult to protect your family from an irresponsible attitude to life. But good parents do not complain about the “world around us,” describing the political and social reasons for this phenomenon. They work on their own claims to life, thinking first of all about how to raise their children so that they do not grow up to be selfish.

In our time, turning future workers - our children - into people with personal responsibility requires vigilance and perseverance from parents, but the result is worth the effort. Along with a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment, people experience great joy when they get rid of the victim mentality and consumerist attitude towards life. By preventing children from reaching out for what they "earn" and teaching them to earn life's goods, we will certainly take a huge step towards raising wonderful members of society.

So, since we can't change the world around us, let's change ourselves by focusing on what we can control. us. First, we need to make sure that we do not hold unproductive beliefs from the series "The whole world owes me" And "I deserve it". Otherwise, we will set a bad example for our children. Then we must train them daily so that they want to earn benefits on their own.

A little later we will look at how to teach children to manage money correctly, since this is an important aspect of education. In the meantime, it all starts with parents asking the following QBQs:

How to get rid of the consumerist attitude to life?

How to instill in children right attitude to work?

How to explain to a child that he needs to learn to earn all the benefits on his own?

No complaints

The reason we try our best to use QBQ and tell other parents about it is primarily because We We ourselves realized that we needed it. Let's explain what we mean.

If you ask Karen if John is prone to victim mentality and whining at times, asking why questions, she will answer that he has “Major Whiner” written all over his forehead in big letters! Because John is verbose and expresses almost every thought as a declarative statement, an objective observation, or unsolicited advice, it seems that he complains constantly. Sometimes that's true.

Everything about complaints is bad. They waste energy and time, they spoil the mood of others. And they are of almost no use. Of course, once every five years a complaint can initiate a solution to the problem and move it forward. dead center. But in general, this behavior is characteristic of a person with a victim mentality, and often it turns into a disgusting habit that irritates everyone. Knowing his tendency to whine and its impact on family members, John sometimes asks himself an eccentric question:

What can I do right now to shut my big mouth?!

Although you should have asked QBQ:

How to become more positive?

How to learn to see the good in everything?

How to propose a solution to the problem?

Any person, even a child, can ask themselves these wonderful questions.

All children complain about friends, teachers, homework, chores and the fact that they are forced to walk outside when they want to bury their nose in the TV or computer. But they really make us laugh parents who are indignant about their whining children! Aren't we complaining when we say, "Why does my child whine all the time?" This is clearly the wrong question.

We believe that the task of parents is to gently and lovingly confront bad habits and teach children that complaining and whining is absolutely unproductive. One clever man once said, “I have too much to do to complain.” A good lesson for all of us, especially parents who themselves love to cry.

Parental responsibility implies that you need to learn this truism and reflect: “ Has my child inherited the habit of whining from – me?“Benjamin Franklin believed: “That which causes suffering teaches.” Therefore, parents, let's engage in developmental self-analysis and ask ourselves QBQ:

How can I become a good example for my child?

Procrastination is the friend of failure.

God promises forgiveness and an answer to our repentance; but God does not promise anything for tomorrow if you are slow.

St. Augustine

John's mother once hung a wooden sign in her kitchen with the word "MUST" engraved on it. In her opinion, people are too fond of saying, “We need to do this,” so she simply wrote “MUST” on the sign as a reminder not to put anything off. She didn't know what QBQ was, but she had the same goal: getting down to business immediately!

Maybe the long-winded phrase “we need to do this” is quite appropriate when we need to fix the lock of an old barn, wash the kitchen floor or take things to the dry cleaner, but it costs us and our children dearly when it comes to parenting. Surely we won’t build a house if we see cracks in the foundation?! Accordingly, we are not happy about the prospect of becoming parents who will one day say with regret: “I should have done this much earlier.” Parents who put off important things until later fall into the trap called “I’ll do it later!” They know about the existence of a problem in education, but do not solve it, which only makes the situation worse.

We don’t get up in the morning with the thought: “Today I will put everything off, and neither my children nor my family will get any benefit from me.” But when parents ask questions like “When will someone do this?”, isn’t it the same thing? Have you heard or asked similar NVs?

When will he stop getting his way with tantrums?

When will my children stop fighting each other?

When will my daughter start speaking to me respectfully?

When will she stop wearing these creepy things?

When will my son learn to make good decisions?

When will someone talk to him about this?

When will they do their household chores without being reminded?

The wrong questions lead directly to the friend of failure - procrastination. Make a choice in favor of QBQ. Remember that they begin with the words “what” or “how,” contain the personal pronouns “I” or “me,” and are action-oriented. Right now, any QBQ parent might be asking, “What can I do today to make a difference?” and “How can I solve this problem immediately?”

Urgency

I am convinced that action must be taken urgently.

Knowing is not enough, you need to apply. Wanting is not enough, you have to do it.

Leonardo da Vinci

This happened a long time ago, in 1994, when we were still living in Minneapolis. During rush hour, Karen was driving the car with our then four children on a four-lane highway. But suddenly her large minivan, affectionately known as “mom’s frigate,” began to stall. She immediately directed the giant to the left side of the road and stopped, pressing the car against the parapet of the dividing strip. To the right, cars were rushing by at great speed. Stuck in the middle of the road without mobile phone, which did not exist then, Karen found some piece of paper and markers and scribbled on it the call “HELP!!!” They attached the piece of paper to the rear window of the car and waited.

But suddenly the unexpected happened. We never knew what made six-year-old Michael, sitting in a separate chair in the second row, suddenly open the tailgate. Only a few centimeters separated him from the flow of cars.

When Karen saw this, she didn't do anything. She just sat and wondered:

When will he stop doing stuff like that?

When will Michael learn something?

When will he close the door?

When will someone resolve this situation?

When will someone help me?

Do you believe this? Did you really believe that in a situation that required urgent action, the mother would sit and ask Silly questions, putting the child's life at risk? I think no.

This is how it really happened. Karen took off, grabbed Michael's left shoulder and pushed him back into the car. The door closed before he even released the handle from inside. Price? The six-year-old boy had a little pain in his shoulder, but today he no longer remembers this incident.

Parents, Now always better than later.

"Who did it?"

Parents are owners. And children are tenants.

Let’s imagine that we want to buy a house that can be rented out, but everyone dissuades us: “Why do you need this? These tenants never take care of the property and only cause unnecessary problems!”

We are not buying a house. But, having seven children, do we really listen to anyone’s advice?! Parents are almost always more worried about appearance, cleanliness and condition of the home than children. Not to blame the latter, this is true. In many cases, children simply do not take such trifles into their heads. The landlords versus renters phenomenon causes parents to constantly ask the wrong questions:

Who left dirty dishes in the sink?

Who made the living room a mess?

Who left wet towels on the bathroom floor?

Who spread the dirt all over the corridor?

Don't you think that "owners" ask these questions to "tenants" too often? We do this too. But such questions represent more than just finger-pointing. They lead us down the path of blame because all these “Who did it?” They strive to convict the criminal rather than solve the problem.

Naturally, parents who want to parent using the QBQ method will look at the questions presented above and think, “How else will I know who did this?” We understand this dilemma and accept the fact that the “who” questions will have to be asked constantly. The question “Who left the socks on the stairs?” does not carry anything bad, provided that tone And intention chosen correctly. But if the question sounds sarcasm, anger, or threat, it's the wrong question. If you want to find the guilty for the sole purpose of punishing and not teaching, then it definitely falls into the HB category.

If your child constantly leaves socks on the stairs, despite requests not to do so, a QBQ like this will help: “How can I express my requirements more clearly?” and “What is a more accurate way to describe the consequences of disobedience?” As well as other QBQs (“How can I calm down quickly?” and “How can I be a perfect parent?”), they will allow us to be good parents even when we are upset about some stupid socks lying on the stairs!

Simply put, blaming and finding someone to blame makes no sense. Try to avoid asking “Who did it?” questions. Let's learn to ask responsible questions that begin with the words "what" and "how." This will be better for everyone - and we will do without intimidation.

Notes

Robert Bralt is an American writer. Note ed.

John Wilmot, 2nd Earl of Rochester (1647–1680) – one of the most significant English poets era of the Restoration. Known mainly as an original satirist and author of beautiful lyric poems. Note translation

Helen Keller (1880–1968) – deaf-blind American writer, teacher and public figure. Note translation

Book of the New Testament attributed to the Apostle Paul. Note ed.

Thomas Fuller (1608–1661) – English historian and preacher. Note translation

End of free trial.

Karen Miller, John Miller

Rules for happy families. A book for responsible parents

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by the Vegas-Lex law firm.

This book is well complemented by:

Make your children successful

Les Hewitt, Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen

Don't fall for marmalade

Joaquim de Posada, Ellen Singer

The absence of any obligations of parents towards the child in the Ten Commandments is striking. It must have seemed unnecessary to God to regulate by law what He protects by love.

I know I sound like a kid bragging about his parents, but not only am I the eldest of seven children (six girls and one boy), but I also work at QBQ, where I help my dad get his message across. personal responsibility through training, public speaking and coaching. And, despite the fact that running a family business is very difficult, I like work for and with parents. This alone is enough to understand the effectiveness of their parenting methods.

Of course, they made mistakes, and so did I, but in general, I always had excellent relationships with them, which have survived to this day. I remember being genuinely perplexed when my friends complained about problems with their parents. Although I had my moments of “losing my balance,” I never wanted my parents to leave me alone or leave home.

Great news: any family can become the same.

So here is a book written for parents, grandparents, and anyone interested in the best methods for raising children. We are sure that this kind of book is needed for one reason: the art of raising children can be learned. So I promise that you will find practical and useful ideas in it that, through your persistence in implementing them, will eventually turn into skills. Believe me, you will be rewarded!

Review of the book “Rules of Happy Families.”

Hello, dear readers of the Detology website!

What is QBQ?

This is the ability to ask the right, effective questions to find solutions. This method was originally used to build successful business, but then the authors of the books decided to transfer it to the family.

There are IRs (wrong questions).

For example: “Why do I have such a difficult child?”, “Why am I being punished like this?”, “When will they learn to do what I ask?” It is natural to ask such questions, but directed at anyone and everyone other than the person asking the question, they indicate a lack of personal responsibility. These questions lead to no result other than self-pity and a sense of victimhood.

And such a parent’s child will also grow up blaming everyone and everything around him... I think many of you know people who always have nothing to do with it, and everyone around them is bad, doesn’t understand, doesn’t appreciate, etc.

The Millers' book covers this issue in more detail; now I just want to introduce you to it a little.

What are the right questions?

QBQ questions are aimed primarily at yourself, for example: “What should I do differently?”, “How can I build a more trusting relationship with my child?”, “How can I help my child develop good habits? and so on.

When we ask ourselves the right questions, finding solutions becomes much easier.

The most interesting thing is that the book describes many examples of how these same QBQ questions work.

Why is it worth reading the book “Rules of Happy Families”?

Because the book is written very easily and simply. It contains many examples and practice.

Because I have never seen issues considered from such a position, i.e., this is definitely something new, and not pouring from empty to empty, as in many books now.

The book is mainly dedicated to teenage children, in my opinion, this is due to the fact that the authors’ children are already at this age or older.

But the book is not dedicated only to teenagers, it is suitable for all parents: after all, the ability to correctly pose questions and the tasks of education is, first of all, necessary from a very early age.

Remember that the problems of adolescence are mainly related to unresolved problems earlier periods, and correcting something at the age of 14 is already thousands of times harder than initially building harmonious relationships.

What problems is this book best suited to solve?

1. For parents of naughty children. The book will help you look at the situation differently in order to break out of the vicious circle.

2. For parents of dependent children. The book will help teach children responsibility and independence.

3. For parents who have a lot of NVs spinning around in their heads? And this is probably the majority of parents, unfortunately.

Where can I find the book

John and Karen Miller's Rules for Happy Families? Here

Happymomsplace - #place to meet

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"Rules of happy families." D. Miller, K. Miller. Book review + useful materials on education

"Rules of happy families." D. Miller, K. Miller. Book review + useful materials on education

The book we're going to talk about today is "Rules for Happy Families" by John and Karen Miller. In the article you will find a review of the book, useful tips on raising children and you can do it for free download chapter 2 from the book!

"Rules of happy families." D. Miller, K. Miller. Book review.

Before I read this book, I read John Miller's book "Proactive Thinking". I liked the book. The main idea of the book is personal responsibility for everything that happens in our lives. And this personal responsibility is born due to the fact that we ask ourselves the so-called right questions (RW): what, how, in what way, instead of the wrong ones (WW): who, when, why. John Miller called this the QBQ (Question by Question) method.

Have you noticed how often it happens in the world that people blame each other for all their troubles?! Yes, yes, this happens very often and in all areas. When we begin to think proactively, that is, take responsibility into our own hands and ask what can I do now to change the situation, solve the problem, instead of looking for someone to blame, we make our lives better and of higher quality. I really liked what I read. I knew about many of these positions before, but I had never seen it in such a detailed method. “It is good to use this method in family relationships“, I thought. And it turned out that John Miller, together with his wife Karen, wrote a book on the QBQ method specifically for families - "Rules of happy families." Today we will talk about this book!

I hope I explain clearly?! If you are a little confused now, then you should understand everything!

Here's what the book says about the QBQ method as it applies to families:

“QBQ is a method that allows parents to develop personal responsibility and make the right decisions in the parenting process. Parents must ask themselves the right questions (ed.).

Wrong question: why doesn’t my daughter listen to my advice?

The right question is: What can I do to understand her needs?

Wrong question: Who created the mess here?

The right question is: How can I help my child develop good habits?

And that's right questions asked will suggest the right decisions"

Now about the book itself:

1. The first thing I want to say is that the book is very easy and quick to read, since it is in a small format (A5), each problem is given a separate chapter, and the chapters are short. For those who like to read books on the road, carry several books with them, have a little space in their bag - this book is perfect :) What if you want to re-read this book or carry it as a reminder of personal responsibility, then this book will definitely not take up lots of space!

2. I also liked that at the beginning of each chapter there is a quote from a famous person or a Bible verse that briefly conveys the essence of the chapter.

3. Despite the fact that the book was written by American authors, there is no strong difference in issues of education and problems with children.

4. Using the example of the stories of the Miller family (who, by the way, have 7 children: 4 of their own and 3 adopted) and not only, you will learn and remember many important moments in raising children. Lots of examples is always good! Practice is always better than just theory!

5. Even if you already know a lot about raising children and personal responsibility, the book will be useful to you too. So she will once again remind you of important things.

So it was with me. At a difficult moment, when I was visiting relatives and blaming the whole world for the fact that someone was to blame for my troubles, the book brought me back into the groove of personal responsibility. What can I do now to improve the situation?! That's what I asked myself :)

6. In general, the book is good! But sometimes I lacked practical steps to solve a particular problem. The book focuses more on what questions you need to ask yourself in a given situation. And it says that by asking the right questions, you will learn to make the right decisions. And you need to look for these solutions yourself :) But who knows, if everything had been described in such detail, perhaps it would have been a completely different book :)

Now, let's take a closer look at some of the chapters from the book.

Here I will give an analysis of the chapters and some important points raising children.

Chapter 1 “Personal Responsibility”

“You cannot escape responsibility tomorrow by avoiding it today” (Abraham Lincoln).

We parents should remember that what our children are is largely the result of our upbringing. Often parents try to shift the responsibility for raising their children to nannies, educators, teachers, doctors, grandparents, etc. But you see, even in this case, what kind of person your child will grow up is your responsibility. And you need to learn to take it upon yourself! These are very important things. I hear a lot around me how parents, describing the problems that arise with their child, say that someone else is to blame for them: bad company, bad teacher, bad educator, etc. What can I say, I sometimes see this temptation in myself...

“If parents have problems with a teenager, then most likely they arose in early childhood. My child is a product of my upbringing.”

And within the framework of the QBQ method, parents must constantly learn to ask themselves the right questions: “What actions of mine created the problem?”, “Where should I start to educate differently?”...

Chapter 2 “The art of parenting can be learned”

“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; Now I have six children and not a single theory” (John Wilmot).

This chapter says that it is important for us, parents, to learn, develop, and, as a result, become the best. And it doesn’t go away that they say, why bother, they’ll grow up on their own. Do you understand? They will grow, they will grow, but by whom?

Parents need to learn how to care for and raise their children. They have instincts, but it seems to me that this is not enough! That's true for me :)

The good news is that the art of parenting can be learned! You will succeed, but you need to try and put in a lot of effort! You won’t have to wait long for the fruits of education! And I am learning, and will continue to study for the rest of my life! None of us were parents before having a child!

Are you ready to learn?

Chapter 4 "Why me?"

“Self-pity is our worst enemy, and if we give in to it, we will never do anything good” (Helen Keller)

Wrong questions like why me make a victim out of a parent who is constantly dissatisfied and complaining about life. And in this case, there is no talk about personal responsibility and effective upbringing, since the parent always blames the child, husband and everyone else for all the troubles. By asking the right questions, such as “What can I do to be a great mother to you,” instead of the wrong “why me?”, we will be one step closer to being good parents. And this will only benefit our family!

You will find similar thoughts in Chapter 6 “No Complaints”, which can be described by the quote:

“Do everything without grumbling or doubting” (Phil. 2:14).

Chapter 7 “Procrastination is the companion of failure”

“God promises forgiveness and an answer to our repentance; but God does not promise anything for tomorrow if you are slow” (St. Augustine)

When it comes to issues of education, there is no delay! You yourself know and see how quickly children grow and develop, so by postponing their upbringing until later, we may miss something very important. It is always better to prevent a disease than to treat its consequences. “Procrastination is the companion of failure,” says the book. "Rules of Happy Families". So let us not have such a comrade. Let's ask ourselves the right questions: “What can I do today to change everything?”, “How can I solve this problem immediately?”

Chapter 8 "Urgency" highlights the thoughts of chapter 7, which can be described with a quote:

“I am convinced that action must be taken urgently. Knowing is not enough, you need to apply. Wanting is not enough, you have to do” (Leonardo Da Vinci).

Chapter 12 "We're being watched"

“Children usually ignore the words of their parents, but they do not miss an opportunity to imitate them” (James Baldwin)

This phrase says it all. Children are a reflection of their parents! First of all, we, as parents, need to educate ourselves, and then our children! And if you don’t like some quality in your child, take a look at yourself, perhaps it was from you that your child adopted this quality...

As they say in the book "Rules of happy families." D. Miller, K. Miller:

If I don't want my children to swear, I need to watch my speech

If I don't want my kids to complain about others, I need to be less critical of others.

If I want my kids to exercise, I should wash my bike and go for a ride.

Remember they are watching us!

Chapter 13 “Don’t forget about the word “I”

“Judge not, lest ye be judged, for with the same judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not feel the plank in your own eye?” (Ev. Matthew 7:1-3)

Remember, the only person you can change is yourself! This is the essence of personal responsibility and the QBQ method.

Ask PV: “How can I change myself?”, “How can I develop personal skills?” etc.

Chapter 17 “How to become strong parents”

“If we do not mold our children, they will be molded by external forces who don't care what our children turn out to be" (Dr. Louise Hart)

This chapter was a revelation for me. It would seem that, we're talking about Discipline is a well-known concept. But I never thought about it, as it is written about in the book. And I discovered some things that you shouldn’t allow your child to do.

There is a so-called weak upbringing. In this case, with the connivance of the parents, the child becomes “his own master” and does what he wants.

In the case of strong parenting, a firm approach is characteristic, when parents lovingly teach the child that they are the highest authority. The main goal is to develop self-discipline in the child. Parents do not shirk responsibility, citing the fact that they are “Too tired” or “Nothing will work out.”

“Strong parents understand that it is their responsibility (which they have taken upon themselves) to firmly and decisively shape the personality of their children on the path to adulthood. Good parents discipline themselves so they can discipline their children,” writes John Miller.

As you read the chapter, you will also find a list test questions, thanks to the answers to which, you will understand whether the time has come for you to be strong parents.

Chapter 25 “Speak well of children”

“Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from deceitful words” (Psalm 33:14)

How many times have you heard parents talk badly about their children, even as a joke? Quite a lot, it seems to me. So, positive thinking is always better than negative thinking. For example, as they write in the book:

“She will drive me crazy with her hysterics!

I just put my baby to bed - I can finally rest for a couple of hours!

Do you think you have a difficult child? Wait, he goes to high school!

In addition to the fact that such negative statements and jokes humiliate the child, they deprive us of the joy of parenting and can even undermine the faith of other parents in their children and in their own strengths!

Speak well of children!

Chapter 26 "Family Team"

“If a family were a vessel, it would be a canoe that wouldn’t move until everyone started rowing” (Letty Pogrebin)

Recently I was thinking about how important it is to be a team in a family. Society in many ways tries to violate the integrity of the family, offering its interests and values, but to be a single whole is the most important task for all family members.

Parents should ask themselves: “What can I do to create a strong team in my home?”, “How can I show that I value our time together,” etc.

Chapter 32 "Grandparents"

“There are no better nannies than the older generation. You can absolutely safely entrust your child to them. for a long time, that’s why most grandparents run away to Florida!” (Dave Barry)

This chapter was also a revelation for me. While writing this review, we also visited our husband's relatives. Aunts and uncles, grandmothers, grandfathers, great-grandparents and great-grandfathers came together... There were a lot of opinions and thoughts about how to raise my child. You understand :). Although, in general, they do not interfere much in our lives, but here they are under one roof... :)

Having a lot of information about raising and caring for a child, I was often skeptical about the advice of relatives, but after reading this chapter, I changed my mind. The chapter says that, after all, putting aside pride and prejudice, it is worth listening to the advice of your elders! The authors teach that you need to define the role of grandparents in raising children and be able to convey your position to them by asking yourself the following questions: “How can I set the right boundaries?”, “How can I learn from those who have walked this path”...

Chapter 34 “Ready for Life”

“We cannot always make the future better for our children, but we can always prepare them for it” (Franklin Roosevelt)

This phrase already says a lot; our task is to teach children to live in this world, and not to try to do everything for them. We must give them knowledge, both in the spiritual and in the practical sphere. Give as much knowledge as possible! Teach them to be good husbands/wives/friends/co-workers/servants of God....good people!

Questions parents should ask themselves: “How can I determine what skills my child will need and teach them?”, “How can I help him prepare for a successful life?”...

“At the end of the day, if we stay close to our children and teach them how to work productively and enjoy it, we can clear conscience declare that they are absolutely ready for life”,- the authors of the book write "Rules of happy families."

Chapter 35 “Final QBQ Question”

“Education never ends. It just changes shape. When children grow up, we parents must adapt to new relationships and a new role, accept the growing up of children and their independence. And be able to ask yourself a question in time, the final QBQ question: “How can I learn to let go of what I cannot control?” they write in the book.

We need to learn to part...

There is so much more I would like to tell you and discuss about this book. But then you won’t be interested in reading it :) I recommend reading this book! And I look forward to your feedback and impressions, and also, if you want to discuss some points from the book, write in the comments!

You can download the second chapter from the book from the link.

And the last thing I want to say... I was recently thinking about what kind of people read my posts, and I answered myself that my readers are responsible and caring parents who care about their children and how they raise them! This is great, but it is sad that many parents who also need this information do not receive it. Therefore, I urge you, dear reader, to share the information you have read with other parents in your environment, show by example how you can raise children well, let us read useful books to them... It is important to spread good information among people. Let's hope that the seed word sown will grow in their hearts and bear good fruit!

Is everyone teaching you how to live?! Knowledge is power! Read us! Be smart, confident and happy!

Rules for happy families. A book for responsible parents

Volume: 90 pp. 8 illustrations
Genre: in raising children, foreign applied literature
Tags: in education and pedagogy, home education, books for parents, family pedagogy, tips for parents

If you are going to have children or are now surrounded by crawling children, or your offspring have already left the parental nest, you will not find a more useful book! It was written with heart and soul by parents who have known the joys and sorrows, victories and defeats that all fathers and mothers face. Thoughtful comments, observations and advice from experienced parents (the authors have seven children) are truly inspiring, encourage action and encourage us to learn personal responsibility in parenting.

Published in Russian for the first time.

Age limit: 12+
Release date on liters: October 17, 2013
Date of writing: 2013
Volume: 90 pp. 8 illustrations

ISBN: 978-5-91657-916-1
Translator: Elena Buznikova
Copyright holder: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber (MYTH)
Table of contents

Believing that one person can change another is a fundamental mistake.

If we do not want to renounce the leading role in raising our children, then to the question: “Whose responsibility is it to raise children?” - must answer: “Mine!”

Useful for awareness

Those who expect specifics from this book will certainly be disappointed. The authors do not give practical advice. They only say that you need to approach life consciously and take responsibility for it. You don’t need to deceive yourself by shifting responsibility for, say, the inappropriate behavior of your own children to their bad character. You need to think about your responsibility in this and what can be done to change the current situation. The book is interesting. Real life examples are given, which always makes it easier to understand. In general, it's easy to read. It helps, perhaps, to take a fresh look at yourself and your life. Inspires awareness and teaches you to ask the “right” questions. But, unfortunately, when you close the book, you realize that having learned to ask these very “correct” questions, you don’t always know where to find the right answers to them. This, in my opinion, is the big minus of this book.

Miller, Miller: Rules for happy families. Book of responsible parents

Parenting th QBQ Way

Abstract to the book “Rules of Happy Families. Book of responsible parents"

Thoughtful comments.

“Until I was married, I had six theories about raising children. Now I have six children and no theories.” John Wilmot, English poet.
Quite often we hear complaints:
“Why don’t my children do what I say?” “Who created this mess?” “When will my teenagers learn to take responsibility for their actions?”
Such questions, which many parents ask, lead to feelings of guilt, procrastination and a general depressive mood. But there is a solution - a simple method of asking questions (question by question), which will allow you to bring personal responsibility into the life of the family.
Instead of asking ineffective questions like “Why don’t my kids listen to me?” or “When they finally do what I ask?”, better questions should be asked: “What should I do differently?” or “How can I become best parent?. This simple yet challenging concept shifts the focus—and responsibility—back to parents and what they can do for their children.
Thoughtful comments, observations and advice are truly inspiring and encourage action.
Book chips
The authors are experienced parents with seven children.
About the authors
John Miller is a Cornell University graduate and founder of QBQ. Since 1986, he has specialized in training and education. Worked with many largest companies, public and private organizations and thousands of private clients, teaching them the key value of personal responsibility. Karen Miller has mentored mothers of preschoolers at MOP (Mothers of Preschoolers) and MomsNext. She held leadership positions in the Bible Study Society and worked as a nurse for 16 years. John and Karen have been married since 1980 and have seven (!) children.
Who is this book for?
For all parents who want to raise their child to be a free, responsible and balanced person.

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The book we're going to talk about today is "Rules for Happy Families" by John and Karen Miller. In the article you will find a review of the book, useful tips on raising children, and you will be able to download chapter 2 from the book!

"Rules of happy families." D. Miller, K. Miller. Book review.

Have you noticed how often it happens in the world that people blame each other for all their troubles?! Yes, yes, this happens very often and in all areas. When we begin to think proactively, that is, take responsibility into our own hands and ask what can I do now to change the situation, solve the problem, instead of looking for someone to blame, we make our lives better and of higher quality. I really liked what I read. I knew about many of these positions before, but I had never seen it in such a detailed method. “It’s good to use this method in family relationships,” I thought. And it turned out that John Miller, together with his wife Karen, wrote a book on the QBQ method specifically for families - "Rules of happy families." Today we will talk about this book!

I hope I explain clearly?! If you are a little confused now, then you should understand everything!

Here's what the book says about the QBQ method as it applies to families:

“QBQ is a method that allows parents to develop personal responsibility and make the right decisions in the parenting process. Parents must ask themselves the right questions (ed.).

Let's compare:

Wrong question: why doesn’t my daughter listen to my advice?

The right question is: What can I do to understand her needs?

Wrong question: Who created the mess here?

The right question is: How can I help my child develop good habits?

And the right questions will prompt the right decisions.”