How to get rid of the desire to be liked. The habit of pleasing, being good. How to get rid of it? Not all opinions are important to you

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

Bill Cosby

Many of us strive to please everyone. Today we will talk about why nothing good will come of this.

This is impossible

It is impossible to please absolutely everyone. You can, of course, try, but your attempt will fail miserably.

Remember the good old expression “How many people, so many opinions”? Even if someone considers you the most wonderful person In the world, there will always be someone who will think completely differently.

So it is impossible and absolutely unnecessary to try to please everyone. Otherwise, you may become like Molchalin from “Woe from Wit,” whose famous line many of us remember from school:

My father bequeathed to me: firstly, to please all people without exception - the owner where I happen to live, the boss with whom I will serve, his servant who cleans the dresses, the doorman, the janitor, to avoid evil, the janitor’s dog, so that it is affectionate.

The opinions of others are just opinions, not the ultimate truth.

If you strive to please everyone, you begin to take to heart everything that other people say about you. Even the smallest comment another person makes to you can ruin your mood for the whole day.

Remember that you shouldn't always take what other people say seriously. As someone once said: “A compliment can be said out of pity, but a nasty thing can be said out of envy.”

In any case, all opinions are subjective. By adapting to those around you, you will live not your own life, but someone else’s life.

Not all opinions are important to you

Why do you think all these people are so important to you? Why do you care what people, by and large, completely strangers to you, think about you?

Many of those around you, whose opinions you so extol, will never lend you a helping hand when you are in trouble. Well, some of them won't pick up the phone when you just need someone to talk to. So should their opinions be considered so important?

Listen to the opinions and comments of loved ones - those who really care about you. But the advice of all other comrades, who are nothing to you, just as you are to them, move into the background.

It won't make you happy

Many people attach too much great importance assessments of others. Relax, because even if most of your friends idolize you, it still won't make you happy.

Happiness lies in inner self-confidence and in your abilities, and not in the opinions of others.

People just love to criticize and judge others.

This is one of the most beloved human activities. No matter how good and wonderful you think you are, there will still be people who will criticize you for your appearance, your behavior or your views. It is impossible to be perfect in everything, and those around you are happy to cling to any of your shortcomings, mistakes or mistakes.

And no, people won't necessarily do this out of hatred or dislike for you, it's just that many people really enjoy criticizing others.

Nobody knows you better than yourself. So don't worry about the subjective assessments of others.

You have more important things to do

You have work, hobbies, loved ones and a lot of your own things that need to be done. So why waste time thinking about how to be good to everyone? More important and interesting things await you.

You might lose yourself

Listening to the opinions of others, trying to please everyone and not disappoint anyone, you can lose your self.

People will always try to impose something of their own on you. A dad who wants you to become a doctor like himself. The mom who talks you into going to law school because she thinks being a lawyer is a lucrative and promising profession. Friends who are going to become great actors and invite you to a theater school for company.

First of all, you can't go out of your way to please everyone. In any case, someone will have to refuse. And secondly, always ask yourself: “What do I want?” Do as you see fit, even if you make a mistake, you will make YOUR mistake.

You don't owe anyone anything

You did not come into this world to live up to my expectations. Just like I didn’t come here to justify yours.

Frederick Perls

You don't have to try to please everyone, and you shouldn't worry at all that someone out there doesn't like you.

Live your life.

What do you think about this?

Perhaps most people have a subconscious desire to please everyone. We are too concerned with how others perceive us. We want to be treated well, to be praised - because there is an idea that otherwise this will mean "there's something wrong with me". But it’s simply impossible to be good to everyone! I wrote that everyone has different values ​​and different criteria for assessing what is happening.

The “I must be good” attitude is formed from the need to be loved, and the roots of this originate in childhood. But what does it mean to be good? How will I know if I'm good enough? Which Feedback from the world will confirm this? Of course, the reaction of others comes to mind first!

As children, we were guided by the words of those who were authorities for us - parents, teachers, older comrades. If we were praised, it meant that we were “good” and loved; if we were scolded, it meant that we were “bad” and unworthy of love. As we got older, many of us carried this pattern into adulthood.

Remember Mayakovsky's poem “Little son came to his father”? Small child really doesn’t know what “good” is and what “bad” is. He likes and wants to do what brings him joy - trample through puddles, mess around in the dirt, draw on wallpaper, climb cabinets, explore the world in all ways available to him. But the adults around him may have a completely different opinion on this matter, and they will not fail to express it, and this is often done in a rather categorical form.

And this is not just an assessment of ACTIONS, whether what was done is good or bad... As a rule, the statement applies to the child’s PERSONALITY itself. Praise is accompanied by comments like “What a fine fellow you are!”, and censure - “Good boys/girls don’t do that!”, or, which sounds even more categorical - “You are incompetent/dirty/clueless”, i.e. "bad". In any case, the child feels a direct connection - his actions determine how good is he, and how much people significant to him will love him depends on his actions.

Since at this age we are so dependent on adults, we are forced to accept their terms of play, not realizing that these specific conditions are simply one of many possible ones. For example, one mother may be quite calm and understanding about the fact that her child suddenly drags home a hungry stray puppy from the street, while for another this may be completely unacceptable, and such an incident will lead to a family scandal. Someone will praise their child for giving the neighbor’s son an expensive new toy in a fit of generosity, while others, on the contrary, will be indignant and scold: there is no point in throwing away things for which parents paid a lot of money!

Both reactions are simply different points of view, different life positions, and none of them is worse or better than the other. But the reaction of authorities is firmly “imprinted” in our memory, we draw conclusions, and this becomes a law for us, in accordance with which we build our own later life— instead of creating your life according to your own rules. But you just need to recognize your right to do this! Become an authority for yourself, and decide what is “good” in my coordinate system and what is “bad”. To clearly define the principles that will become for me the criteria for the “correctness” of actions.

Why do you think many people often behave passively, do not show initiative, agree with everything, and are easily influenced by others? This doesn't mean they really don't care. They simply do not recognize the right to have their own opinion. They are afraid to hear the negative reaction of others in response to their statement, they are afraid that their words will be rejected, ridiculed, not recognized as “good” - because they think that this means they are not accepted as individuals! The children's unit is working: “I did something that others didn’t like, which means they don’t like me (they don’t like me)”. And this is very painful, so it’s better to remain silent and keep your head down!

Such a thought can sound quite loudly in your mind, constantly “looming” before your eyes, and it will block your view, limit your picture of the world, prevent you from seeing new opportunities, being a leader and the true master of your life. To get rid of this attitude, you must first understand that it’s just your own thought, which you once upon a time allowed to “settle” in your head! This means you can control it. You can make it “quieter” or “turn it off” completely. Practice this by imagining that you are turning a kind of “volume control” and the voice in your head goes silent.

You can also choose another thought of your own, not limiting, but expanding, which will support you and give you confidence. For example: “I'm ALREADY good enough. I am worthy of love simply because I exist. I know exactly what is best for me. I'm the most best expert in your own life."

Remember that other people are just people like you, and your opinions may or may not agree. There is no single correct opinion for everyone, so you no need to prove anything to anyone. The main thing is that you yourself firmly believe that you are doing the right thing! And for this it is necessary understand your values ​​and understand what is most important to you. The principles of your Personal Mission are built on the basis of values, following which you realize yourself and gain inner strength and freedom.

I’ll end with the words of Steve Jobs: “Don’t let the noise of other people’s opinions drown out your inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you really want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

About the desire to be liked

Desire gives rise to other desires. How stronger desire like it, those in to a greater extent a person neglects his family and loved ones, trying to please the whole world. The larger the crowd that praises a person, the more likely it is that he has no family. Either it no longer exists, or it didn’t exist at all, since the desire to please was so great from childhood that it prevented me from engaging in human trifles. The desire to be liked does not allow one to realize at what end life begins.

People who are unable to establish their own lives and start a family often declare that they are fundamentally dedicated to serving society. Listeners look at such an extraordinary person with loving eyes and choose him as their representative. The desire to be liked is a stress that brings people of the same type together. Soon both sides become disappointed in each other, because it is impossible to live life trying to please. This means that even if the mind is ready to conduct an objective, honest conversation about real, practical things, then under the influence of stress a person’s lips sing a subjective song of praise. Subsequently, he may be ashamed of his praise, but the word is not a sparrow.

So desire to please people makes a person a people's tribune, even if God did not give him the qualities of a leader, or even a representative of power. A representative of the government who wants to please the people makes wonderful promises to the population that are impossible to fulfill, because no leader can make the entire crowd happy in one fell swoop. However, the people are waiting and demanding their way, without even thinking about wanting the impossible. People want their leader to be, first and foremost, likable, that is, someone they like. Popular discontent shakes the leader's position, while the leader begins to defend his position with the force of his power. Without wanting it, he brings death to the very people whom he just recently wanted to please. At the same time, the people are dealing with the leader whom they liked not so long ago.

THE DESIRE TO BE LIKED HAS THE FOLLOWING CONSEQUENCES:

1. The one who wants to be liked is likened to the object of adoration:

A) partial assimilation - the desire to achieve external similarity;

b) complete assimilation - the desire for both external and mental similarity.

2. He who wants to be liked is likened to several idols:

a) both spiritual and physical fragmentation of oneself;

b) dispersing oneself among those who want to please.

I. The desire to please neighborturns out to be a person becomes like this neighbor. This means that a person ceases to be himself, i.e., a person. At first, the similarities are limited to changes in wardrobe and appearance. As a rule, a person becomes more beautiful. This change is voluntary, conscious. This is followed by imitation in posture, manners, behavior, sophistication, dexterity, talent and others. external qualities. Monkeying becomes an end in itself. The monkey represents the energy of fixation on a higher goal, and therefore the word “monkeying” is quite appropriate here. People usually do not notice the loss of their originality, and if they did, then out of fear many of them would become themselves.

Let me add a clarification: the monkey represents the desire to become human and the fear that it will not succeed.

If a person knew how much he was changing, then, most likely, he would no longer want to be liked by anyone. An adult's figure changes the slowest. Changes in the functions of organs and tissues occur faster. For example, increased growth hairline in women and its thinning in men occurs as if by itself when people want to please opposite sex, but to return to the previous normal condition, serious work on yourself is required.

II. Desire to be liked two peoplesimultaneously tears a person in half. When these two, say, mother and father, do not get along with each other, a person can be overcome by despair. The desire to be liked forces a person to carefully observe those around him in order to catch the slightest shade of mood and behave in accordance with it. It's not that difficult. Difficulties begin in situations such as when a person who wants to be liked, in a conversation with an authoritative person, eagerly agrees with him and praises his verbal gift in every possible way, and then another authoritative person suddenly appears. If both authorities are at loggerheads with each other, those who want to be liked have a very hard time.

It's not hard to like if these two are in a relationship. friendly relations, however, the result can be very disastrous, because the three of them create such a sickly sweet world around themselves that other people do not accept it. A child who wants to please his parents builds castles in the air, but then other children appear and, more ruthlessly than anyone else, destroy the created beauty. Sincerity does not allow them to indulge the growth of lies, while good people do not understand this.

By protecting their own child from bad children for whatever reason, parents are doing him a disservice. In such sterile conditions, in isolation from experiences and trials, the child is deprived of the opportunity to understand his mistakes. For those who value the desire to be liked more than their own life, they are destroying themselves. Often parents cannot get enough of what they have good child, and even after his death they cannot understand that the child sacrificed himself - the main thing is that the parents feel good. They are looking outside for those responsible for the child's death.

What the parents are like, the world around them is like that for the child. The suffering experienced in the parental home continues throughout life until the child finds himself. Parents who don't get along openly, cause a child who wants to please visible to the eye diseases. Parents in conflict with each other secretly, cause a child who wants to please, hidden suffering. Sooner or later, these sufferings turn into the same diseases.

III. Desire to be liked manyleads to convulsive throwing. Fear forces you to make choices. He who wants to be liked by the good begins to criticize the bad. If the good ones do not accept his good aspirations, and meanwhile it turns out that one of bad people shows warm feelings and care towards him, then he is overcome by the desire to please the bad, and he inevitably begins to criticize the good.

Anyone who wants to be liked is very likely an overactive fighter for human well-being who, as long as he does not go to extremes, enjoys the love of people. The desire to please many gives rise to a herd culture - clans, parties, sects, organizations, headed by people with tireless energy, always ready to prove that the truth is on their side and that together with their comrades they are doing a good deed. Because they are the best of the best.

IV. Desire to be liked everyoneleads to extreme dispersion of one's own spiritual energy. The stronger the desire, the more a person is scattered spiritually, the consequence of which is complete internal – spiritual – emptiness. Life loses its value and meaning, only a big and unattainable goal remains. Imagine that you suddenly wanted to please all your people or, moreover, all of humanity. You would have to rush around, giving yourself handfuls of gifts in order to please those who take, until you completely exhaust yourself.

Emptiness has no weight. The opposite of spiritual emptiness is physical leaden heaviness. For a person in this state, the body weight becomes many times heavier. So much so that there is no way to tear him away from earth's surface and keep it in the air. He is doomed to turn to dust.

Such a person is characterized by unbridled activity and crazy plans. Having created for myself more or less famous name, he believes he has the right to demand that even more favorable conditions be created for him, and if his desire is not fulfilled, despair arises, which sends him to the next world.

A person in this condition should not drive, climb on scaffolding, step on catwalks or suspension bridges, or engage in gymnastics, jumping, swinging, and also engaging in other sports that require dexterity and involve risk. In any case, not before the state of spiritual emptiness passes. You should not fly by plane or travel by boat. Why? Because spiritual death can be avoided. Physical death is irreversible.

When there is a certain number of people on board a plane who want to please everyone, for example the whole world, then such a plane ends up in a plane crash. Why? Because wasted spiritual energy forms a void, which is filled with physical energy. A multiple incredible burden arises, which only the earth is able to withstand.

The desire to be liked by everyone means that in the grave you will be liked by everyone, since then neither you will evaluate others, nor they will evaluate you. And if they do evaluate you, it makes you neither hot nor cold.

Unexplained car and plane crashes, mysterious shipwrecks, falls that defy reasonable explanation, strange lightning-fast diseases with fatal- that's what it leads to the desire to please everyone. Anyone who says it was suicide is right. Whoever says that it was not suicide is also right.

In the spiritual sense it was suicide, but in the physical sense it was not thought of as suicide. Why kill if the person was already dead? In hindsight, you can blame anyone, because in the material world it is customary to look for the culprit in order to punish him. It’s better to think ahead so that because of your death no one would be found guilty without guilt. If you release the desire to please everyone, you will not find yourself in the company of those who, with their desire to please everyone, put both their own lives and the lives of those around them at risk.

Wanting to please others, a person adapts to them, which means he stops living his own life, turns into an errand boy, laughs with other people's laughter and cries with other people's tears. And so, until despair sets in, a person realizes that his life has been lived in vain. Unfortunately, proper conclusions are not drawn from the first crisis, although it does not go unnoticed by everyone, including those involved themselves, that a kind-hearted person in the recent past has become an inhospitable and cruel creature, achieving a goal by any means necessary. Some people call him cordial from old memory, because knew he is like this, others call him heartless, because he is like this appeared in front of new acquaintances.

The more famous such a person is, the more more people they want to please him, and no one wants to tell him the truth to his face in order to avoid trouble.

A person feels that he is doing good to people, but they do not appreciate him, and this makes him bitter. At first, he experiences cold indifference to those weaker than himself, but showers the stronger with rude abuse. The hour is not far off when he will leave a man who has fallen without strength to die on the ground, and a strong man who is rushing ahead will be killed on the spot with a shot from a revolver. When such a misfortune happens, no one will remember that this man was once a meek, willing creature, unable to offend a fly. And no one knows that it’s all due to stress that could have been released a long time ago.

The stronger the desire to please everyone, the more destructive the despair.The maximum degree of despair is called insanity. Life is no longer pleasant for a distraught person. So In the spiritual sense, a person has no need for feelings, but in a physical sense, without feelings, that is, in a state of madness, there is no way to live.

When I come across another article in newspapers or magazines, describing the merits of a famous figure - our contemporary or historical figure - and setting him up as an example for us crazy talents, crazy performance, crazy ability to love, crazy fantasy, readiness to sacrifice my life in the name of creating something unprecedented, great and powerful, I am overcome by despair. I have not yet learned to react with restraint to idealization of madness.

We try to please, so that we are not pushed away, not rejected, so that what we give is accepted. Especially if what is given has value, and even more so mental or spiritual value, because rejection of this kind of value hurts the most. Such humiliation, which the giver is forced to endure in silence, contributes to the development of cancer. That’s why we try to be liked the more the more we are afraid of harming ourselves. If we knew how to release our desire to be liked, we would know how to give our gifts in such a way that they would be accepted. And if they didn’t accept it, it wouldn’t bother us. Being givers, we would understand that our neighbor turned out to be for now not ready to accept our offering, because he continues to look at the world in the old fashion through the prism of his egoism. I experienced this myself and to this day I am working on myself, so that later I would not have to blame people who, not knowing either me or my work, make me their enemy. I won’t hide the fact that working on yourself is constant and hard work.

Everyone should know that the one-sided material vision of the world, i.e. perception feelings, determines a lot, and this need toconsider. Saying whatever comes to mind is madness. No one would want to listen to such nonsense. Including those who themselves are accustomed to indiscriminately spewing nonsense. The desire to please people with excessive eloquence is the same madness. The more you release the desire to please everyone, the freer and clearer the expressions you use become for everyone. You will be able not to lose your dignity and express everything you need without offending anyone. Your words will probably be perceived differently by everyone, because everyone has their own ideas, but not a single soul will be offended by you. Thanks to this, you will be listened to next time, and then you will be able to say something more.

Everyone has a desire to please everyone. The main thing is that it does not go over the edge.

The desire to be liked If only the gender of the newborn depended on the desire to be liked, everything would be fine. In fact, both birth and death depend on it. The most painful dying is spiritual dying. To avoid this, people tormented by mental anguish appeal to