What positions in life can be considered moral. Life position: active and passive

“Two people were looking out from behind the prison bars: one saw the dirt, the other saw the stars.”

Good afternoon, dear reader!

Today we will consider such a concept as "person's position in life" which is presented in book John Maxwell "I am the Winner!". Thanks to Maxwell's book, we will try to understand and answer the questions: “What is a position and why is it important for a person?”, “What are life positions and how are they developed?”, and "How to change the life position?".

The life position of a person

In his book "I am the Winner!" J. Maxwell gives the following definition of a position. The life position of a person- it is his internal state which is expressed through behavior. Thus, if a person feels, for example, dissatisfaction or determination, then this is manifested in his gestures, facial expressions, voice, intonation. Our facial expression usually reflects our state of mind. However, sometimes a person's life position can be outwardly veiled for some reason, and then others will be misled about its essence. But sooner or later, true feelings will manifest, since a person cannot be in tension for a long time and wage an internal struggle.

Why is attitude important to a person?

1. It defines our approach to life, what we expect from it. If we have a positive attitude towards the world around us, then we receive confirmation of our attitude, we feel success and understanding. If it seems to us that the world is not friendly to us, then we will experience anxiety and trouble.
2. Life position depends on relationships with other people. Research by the Stanford Institute shows that only thanks to their knowledge a person achieves success in 12.5% ​​of cases. The remaining 87.5% of success comes from the ability to interact with other people.
3. Often a person's position in life becomes the link between success and failure. People in their beliefs differ little from each other, but some of difficult situation can benefit, while others see only disadvantages.

Think of something that you would like to receive, that you desire. Now decide what position in life can help you achieve what you want?

Active life position of a person

Our thoughts, opportunities, actions are largely determined by the environment. We acquire character traits, mannerisms and qualities of those people with whom we interact. In childhood, our positions are determined by the conditions that surround us. At birth, a person chooses neither the environment nor the conditions in which he will grow up. However, as they grow older, each person develops the right to choose. And it will depend only on each of us whether the active life position of a person, how much he will be proactive, capable of change, or will remain under the influence of the environment, in the power of accepted beliefs and attitudes.

Each person can remember the circumstances, situations that had a positive or negative impact on the formation of his life position. But it will depend only on our attitude, to find in these situations positive or negative experience. Thus, an active life position of a person will depend on the strength of his desire, faith in his abilities and available knowledge or experience.

The development of a life position takes place throughout life.

A person develops his position throughout life. First, he forms it, then strengthens or changes it. Life position cannot remain unchanged throughout life. Not every person will be able to radically change their previous beliefs and develop a new active life position, but they will certainly support or strengthen the already existing one, either positive or negative.

It is important to remember that there is no such thing as an "ideal" or "perfect" life position. The position must be corrected with every change that occurs in our lives. After all, on the way each of us meet various situations which "unsettle" and only thanks to our own efforts, flexibility in the approach to understanding what is happening, we will be able to achieve a successful solution, find a way out and cope with the situation.

Man's choice of life position

Every person is unique. His birth is the result of millions of patterns, accidents and coincidences. Its essence is complex and contradictory. However, like a house that relies on its foundation, the human personality relies on a system of basic beliefs and ideas about oneself, other people and the world around. These beliefs and ideas determine the life choice and behavior of a person, representing the existential attitude of his personality (it is also called a fixed (basic) emotional attitude, or life position).

The choice of a fixed life position is carried out by the person himself, but to a large extent is determined by the family in which he was born and raised, and the immediate environment. The formation of this position begins from the first moments of life and, in general, ends by the age of seven. That is, it falls on a period when a small person does not yet have the stock of reliable knowledge about the world necessary for autonomous existence and therefore cannot fully realize the degree of seriousness of his decisions, which will be decisive in his fate.

As soon as the main life position has been determined, all actions, all human behavior is aimed at confirming and consolidating it.

Clarifying the above, it is important to report that the basic life position of a person develops even before birth. And every child before his birth believes that he is well and other people are well. I am good, you are good. You are the mother and those around her.

We conducted a large long-term survey on the detection of fixed emotional attitudes during intrauterine life. Two thousand people who were trained in psychotherapy on decades, on ship cruises, professional development cycles, age regression was carried out to the sensations and experiences of intrauterine life.

Due to the fact that for many the memory for the preschool period and early childhood is blocked by Parental prohibitions, we performed the regression in a trance state. Most received positive result, which means that it was possible to restore the experiences of intrauterine life.

Only two people in fetal life revealed the setting "I'm not well." The mother repeatedly tried to get rid of one of them with the help of criminal abortions. The mother of another suffered from a severe disease of the spine, and the developing fetus gave her additional pain that was difficult to bear.

The rest of the survey participants during fetal development had a fixed emotional attitude: "I am well - you are well." And this is very important! A mother inspires confidence in her baby, born or not yet. She fulfills her motherly duties, which combine unconditional love, sensitive concern for the needs of the baby and unwavering loyalty to him. The feeling of reliability and trust that arises in the child forms a basic idea of ​​his own identity, laying the foundation for a position of well-being: “I am well-being!”, “I am myself!”, “I become what others (my relatives) want me to see. !

Unfortunately, in the future, most people's attitude towards themselves changes, forming a different life position, much less optimistic: "I'm not prosperous - you are prosperous." How does it happen?

Characteristics of the main life positions

"I am not well - you are well"

A person in our country is usually born in an extremely unfriendly, if not hostile, environment of a standard state institution, which, of course, is reflected in his further development. After all, this happens in public, often surrounded by strangers, uninterested people. They are unhappy that childbirth usually occurs at night. Sometimes unnecessarily stimulate labor activity. And this leads to injuries to the mother and child.

Medical students, and other people, often hear that modern women have forgotten how to give birth. Maybe there is some grain of truth in this. But what they forgot in maternity hospitals, yes, in general, they especially didn’t know how to treat women in labor with care and respect - this is all the time!

Mother in agony managed to give birth to a child. And indifferent people immediately take him away from her. Often for a long time. And now it depends on them when he will get to his mother again, how he will be fed and swaddled, in what temperature environment he will be, and what procedures, medicines and injections he will be prescribed.

Such a child develops a feeling of abandonment, helplessness and own uselessness. He evaluates himself: "I'm not well." And those around him, on whom he is completely dependent and who appear to him as huge omnipotent figures, are prosperous.

So very often in the first days of life, children born in our country form the attitude “I am not well - you are well”.

A fixed emotional position, having been formed, must be confirmed. And this does not have to wait long.

Everyone has their own experience with a lack of love in childhood. At this age, the child perceives especially well the information transmitted by direct physical contact. And much in the first months of a baby's life depends on the high sensitivity of his skin. An infant experiencing a lot of discomfort and crying out for help often does not receive it immediately, but only when obvious signs of ill health appear in his condition, so he can very soon learn to understand: in order to attract attention, you should get sick.

The resentment and humiliation of childhood restrict our freedom and drastically reduce our choices.

The child begins to walk. He is very awkward, falls, breaks dishes, spoils things. He is clumsy and ridiculed. He is often punished.

Then nursery, kindergarten, school. And everywhere the position “I am not well-off - you are well-being” is brought up, imposed, hammered. However, this is the most adaptive position for a Soviet person - a modest worker, humbly waiting for a reward.

A person with a negative image of his own "I" is burdened by the events and takes the blame for them. He is not confident enough in himself, does not claim success and results. He underestimates his work. Refuses to take initiative and responsibility, is prone to stress and often gets sick. Moreover, diseases develop slowly, proceed sluggishly, the recovery period is delayed for a long time.

He often experiences depression, suffers from neurosis, character disorders, is prone to self-destructive behavior: smoking, alcohol abuse, drugs. It is characterized by vegetovascular and psychosomatic disorders, decreased immunity. Typical gastritis, ulcers, diseases of the small and large intestines, biliary dyskinesia and renal colic. For women, disorders of the ovarian-menstrual cycle are characteristic, for men - prostatitis. They have reduced sexual desire and potency. Hypothyroidism, hypotension, dynamic disorders of cerebral circulation are typical, ischemic strokes are possible.

Such people are often sloppy in clothes, and in lifestyle. They choose for themselves scenarios of the unwinner or the vanquished.

Quite often they can be found at a doctor's appointment, among patients of somatic, psychiatric or narcological hospitals.

It is important to note that most members of our society carry a fixed emotional attitude "I am not well - you are well" throughout their lives. We meet them constantly and everywhere. They live hard and sad. They have an impact on others, and it is not easy for us along with them. “I assume that you know (you know how to do it), but I don’t” - their thesis. Withdrawal, depression is their strategy. Passivity is their social position. And yet it is not the most minor setting. There is another one: "I am not well - you are not well."

“I am not well - you are not well”

Such a person is not energetic enough; rather, he is apathetic, prone to depression, passive hostility towards himself and others. Unable to be persistent. He is constantly haunted by failure, and he got used to it. He does not have a creative approach to work and life in general.

From his point of view, he does not deserve a positive assessment and praise. Moreover, he does not perceive them or even hears them. He is gloomy, ironic, difficult to communicate. His passivity eventually forms a negative attitude towards him of those around him. With his untidy, scandalous clothes, appearance, smell emanating from clothes and body, he constantly declares: "I'm not all right - You're not all right."

This is an attitude of hopeless despair, when life is useless and full of disappointments. Man is powerless and others cannot help him. It remains to sink to the bottom and wait for death.

The installation of trouble develops in a child deprived of attention, abandoned, when others are indifferent and not interested in him. Or when a person has suffered a great loss and does not have the resources for his own recovery, when everyone around him has turned away from the person and he is deprived of support.

Such people suffer from many different diseases. It's depression and apathy. Various colds, infectious and somatic diseases caused by reduced immunity. They have a sharply suppressed sexual desire, reduced potency. Women have limited opportunities to become pregnant and give birth.

For them, all health disorders caused by self-destructive behavior are typical: excessive smoking, abuse of alcohol and its surrogates, narcotic and toxic substances. Moreover, they prefer especially harmful and especially toxic substances. Characterized by injuries to the body, as well as the skull and brain and their consequences.

Diseases and health disorders in them proceed for a long time. For the most part, such people are slowly "breaking down." The diseases themselves flow sluggishly, accompanied by complications. The recovery period is getting longer. There are often associated comorbidities. The drugs used to treat them give a lot side effects and complications. Often they suffer from several diseases at once. And it is not possible to understand where one ended and another began.

Only a part of people with the “I am not well - you are not well” attitude lives in society. Many of them spend their lives waiting for the end in narcological, psychiatric and somatic hospitals, homes for the chronically ill, in places of detention. Many today are simply thrown out of life and end their sad life on the street, joining the ranks of the homeless. They have neither the strength nor the resources to fight. And they don't expect help. “Everything is useless and meaningless in this world and nothing depends on me” is their motto. The strategy is either a long wait for the end, or suicide.

The next setting is not so pessimistic. And yet, its carriers deliver a lot of worries and inconvenience to others. It is formulated as follows: "I am well - you are not well."

"I am well - you are not well"

This is an attitude of arrogant superiority. Such a person tells himself and the world: "I'm all right - you're not all right." He looks swaggering and smug. In whatever activity he participates, he always exaggerates his role, his contribution to the overall result.

It is difficult to communicate with him. He seeks to suppress and belittle others. He uses people as tools to achieve his goals. When the cup of patience of others overflows, they leave him. He is temporarily left alone, feeling like a failure.

Gradually, some are returning to it. In his environment there are also new people who are ready to obey and endure humiliation. The first to return are “professional” sycophants and people with the attitude “I am not well - you are well”: being next to him, they can experience pain and humiliation, in quantities sufficient to justify their passive life position. In addition, people with the attitude “I am not well - you are not well” can also be involved in this circle.

And now, our "hero" is again absorbed in the struggle. He terrorizes loved ones, discovers enemies, starts proceedings. He puts together groups and coalitions. He is always an uninvited adviser who supposedly knows everything better than anyone.

Such a person strives to stand out both with his own clothes and the brand of the car. He loves uniforms, special styles, everything exotic, unusual, exclusive.

This fixed emotional set can be formed in early childhood or at an older age.

In childhood, it can develop according to two mechanisms of psychogenesis. In one case, the family in every possible way emphasizes the superiority of the baby over its other members and people around them. Such a child grows up in an atmosphere of reverence, forgiveness and humiliation of others. For him, this is a natural environment, and he does not know another.

Once the attitude is determined, the person does everything to constantly confirm it. He does it relentlessly. And his whole life is a struggle.

The second mechanism of development is triggered if the child is constantly in conditions that threaten his health and even life. For example, when a child is mistreated. And when he recovers from another humiliation, in order to overcome his helplessness, humiliation, or simply to survive, he concludes: “I am well” in order to free myself from feelings of hopelessness, dependence on his offenders and those who did not protect him: “You are not prosperous." Such people actively strive to become leaders and managers. Some of them become leaders of the underworld.

Typical forms of pathology for this emotional attitude: hypertension, bronchial asthma, myocardial infarction, hemorrhagic stroke, hysteria with all the variety of its clinical manifestations.

His mottos are "I don't care, that's your problem!" or "I know better what you need." Strategy - destruction, annihilation, deliverance. Social positions, roles - a revolutionary, a participant in public campaigns, a fighter for the truth.

So, we have already considered three fixed emotional installations.

It is important to note that often they are not realized by a person and, accordingly, cannot be formulated by him independently, and even in the case when he easily determines the life positions of others.

And only one existential position is usually conscious and can be formulated by its bearer. This position has not yet been fully considered by us. We started with it, then broke off, considering the mechanisms for switching to other types of installations. Now we turn again to its description.

"I am well - you are well"

This is the optimistic attitude of a person who believes: “I am well - the world is well”, “I am doing well - everything is good in the world”.

Such a person maintains good relations with others. He is accepted by other people, responsive, inspires trust, trusts others and is self-confident. Ready to live in a changing world. He is internally free and, whenever possible, avoids conflicts. Often tries not to waste time fighting with himself or with someone around him.

This is the fixed emotional set of a successful, healthy person. Such a person, by his behavior, relationships with other people, his whole way of life, says: “Everything is all right with me - everything is all right with you.”

As mentioned above, this fixed emotional set is often formed even before birth, in fetal life. For some people, it does not change during childbirth. This happens only when childbirth is not accompanied by severe mental trauma. In our country, this does not happen often.

Living and developing in very good conditions, the baby reinforces the optimistic attitude. This attitude in infancy is especially pronounced when the child suckles the mother's breast. This is a state of special full contact and complete mutual understanding, when the baby is in harmony with the world, and the world is in harmony with him.

The child gradually forms for himself the position of a successful, healthy personality. He believes that his parents are reliable, loved and loving people who can be trusted. And parents trust their child.

Such a child is ready to form his life scenario of the winner. He voluntarily assumes obligations and at the same time does not bend under the load of constant “I must”, “this is how it should be”, “this must be done”.

People with the well-being mindset are usually somatically healthy or suffer from illnesses that do not reveal a psychological origin.

Their motto is "Health, well-being, prosperity!". Their strategy is cooperation, development. Their social roles- winner, lucky.

The latest ideas about existential life positions in the Eastern version of transactional analysis

So what, a fixed emotional set is for life? Some people have it. Having once acquired a specific installation, they confirm it all their lives. And the rest of their emotional positions are weakly expressed. It can be said that their fixed emotional attitude is rigid. People with rigid attitudes constantly reaffirm their position and feel uncomfortable moving to any of the other three existential attitudes. Our training and therapy experience has led us to discover people with a fixed position of well-being or disadvantage. Moreover, only one position is rigidly fixed. Let's say "I'm not well." Such a person easily goes from "I am not well - You are well" to "I am not well - You are not well". Whereas the other two attitudes are not found in him at all or appear very rarely. When the position “You are well” is rigidly fixed, such a client moves from the position “I am not well - you are well” to the position “I am well - you are well”

Other people's emotional attitudes may change. And such people, according to our data, are a significant majority among successful people.

The variety of situations in which a person finds himself in the first years of his life creates the prerequisites for the formation of all four types of emotional attitudes in him. At the same time, each of the settings allows the child to consciously or unconsciously "fit" into interactions. certain type and thus receive from those around him what he needs. For example, just ask in one case, categorically, with anguish demand - in the other, deserve - in the third and humbly wait until they notice him and ask, or refuse altogether - in the fourth. So, to meet your needs in a particular situation, little man you have to think, feel and behave in a certain way. The type of interaction prevailing in the family reinforces the appropriate emotional attitude of the child and fixes it. And the child gets used to it, and the world seems safe and predictable only when the child feels in accordance with this setting. And he tries to live in such a way that he constantly confirms it for himself and others. And when life circumstances change, and you can get what you want only by changing your position, you experience emotional discomfort, anxiety, or more specific negative emotions, which are aggravated by the fact that their reasons are not completely clear to him, because without special training only one of the four possible emotional attitudes can be recognized.

Experiencing the pressure of installations of trouble, a person feels helplessness, impotence. He loses his footing in life and is looking for ways to return to the lost paradise. You remember that “I am well and the world is well” is the very first attitude of a person entering this world. In order to return to it again, some use psychoactive substances, replacing true experiences of well-being with surrogates for happiness. Others restore their basic trust in the world through religion. God becomes a loving parent who is merciful to his children. And those, in turn, entrust their life and destiny into the hands of the Lord, receiving in return peace and tranquility.

When realizing their dominant emotional position, many people think about becoming more fortunate or changing their position to a fixed emotional setting: "I am well - you are well." Awareness of a position is already a significant advance towards changing it.

Decoding the content of the position and replacing its individual fragments with favorable ones can lead to a change in the existential attitude. This process takes place in stages, through a number of intermediate positions. This is one of the accepted ways of psychotherapeutic change in the prevailing fixed emotional set.

Education is the process of forming a certain life position. Psychotherapy is a long way to realize what has already been formed, to know one's capabilities and to find a new, more prosperous position in life. Or, as they say, re-education.

There is another way. It is much shorter, but only those who are able to love can pass it. Falling in love, a person is transformed, and, having experienced a shared feeling, he transforms his world, building new relationships, using such possibilities of his soul that he had not previously imagined.

Thus, we have considered four main life positions. A person with the prevailing attitude “I am not prosperous - you are prosperous” believes that his life is worth little, unlike the lives of others - worthy and prosperous people.

A person with the attitude “I am not well - you are not well” believes that both his life and the lives of other people are worth nothing at all.

A person with the “I am well - you are not well” attitude considers his life very valuable, but does not value the life of another person.

A person with the “I am well - you are well” attitude believes that the life of every person is worth living and being happy.

In these binary positions, each well-being position implies inner freedom, activity, efficiency and optimism; while each position of trouble is a restriction of inner freedom, passivity and pessimism.

Stress and attitudes

Analyzing data on the dynamics of facial expressions, postures and movements, the state of the skin, somatic and verbal components of the stress response, T. Keiler suggested that in a stressful situation, a person in a short period of time (seconds or minutes) cyclically reproduces a number of emotional attitudes that were previously formed during long years. He called this sequence a mini-scenario (see Fig. 1).

The mini-script, in our experience, is the best tool for psychotherapy with redirecting the client of responsibility for his life.

The reaction begins with the first position of conditional well-being "I am well - you are well-being." Conditional, because before the stress a person felt more prosperous than during his experience.

Rice. 1. Mini scenario

The second position in the mini-scenario reflects the life attitude "I am not well - you are well." The most vivid feelings are resentment, guilt, embarrassment. Thoughts appear - “Why did this happen to me?”, “For what?”, “I deserved it.”

For example, I could not be at my best or made a mistake that led to a negative result. I am disappointed. And then I conclude: "I did not manage to cope with the problem, therefore I am not well" and feel embarrassed and guilty that I could not meet other people's expectations. And if I decided in childhood that in case of failure I would always take the blame on myself, now I am again replaying these early childhood decisions and experiencing unpleasant feelings from childhood: guilt, resentment, embarrassment, helplessness. And my attitude is "I'm not well - you are well"

The third position is the position of the Accuser. If in childhood I decided that it is better to blame others for everything, then I can immediately move from the first position to the third. At the same time, I triumphantly condemn, make caustic remarks from the position of my own impeccability, sometimes falling into a “noble” frenzy. "I am well - you are not well." This is a way to defend yourself by rebelling. If we continue our example, then the arguments are as follows - “No one is perfect!”, “They themselves have a stigma in the cannon!”, “Look at yourself!”.

Position four - disappointed. If I decide that "I am not well and you are not well," then from the second or third position I can get into the fourth position. I will experience feelings of helplessness, frustration and hopelessness.

If I'm lucky with my parents or I've been through psychotherapy, then I won't go below level one. However, depending on the dominant life position, a person can “get stuck” in any of the four positions of the mini-scenario. Sometimes these stops last for years. For example, clients who come to therapy with PTSD that have lasted for more than 2 years usually choose not to leave the mini-script triangle. They move along the small triangle in positions 2-3-4, actually staying in it and acquiring secondary benefits. In the following, we will explore the mini-scenario triangle and working with PTSD clients in more detail.

Three Approaches to Basic Life Positions

Earlier we looked at one of three popular approaches to basic life positions. It is called the binary attitudes of well-being.

In the second, somewhat more complicated version, nine ternary attitudes of well-being can be considered. These are variants of the tripartite positions: I - You - They.

The third approach also identifies three levels of well-being. And each of them, in turn, is divided into three. Thus, each person can put himself on one of the nine rungs of an imaginary ladder. And if the first approach provides more for understanding one's own fixed emotional set, then in the third approach there are more opportunities for making specific changes to it.

Let's take a closer look at this third approach.

It distinguishes three levels of existential attitudes: losers, average peasants and successful ones. In turn, in each of the levels, three sublevels can be found (see Fig. 2, p. 52).

Fig 2. Levels of well-being

In the group of losers, we distinguish: a loser of the III degree - absolute, or a frog; a loser of the II degree - a complete loser and a loser of the I degree - a weak loser.

Among the middle peasants: a middle peasant of the III degree - a weak middle peasant, a koekaker; middle peasant of the II degree - a complete middle peasant, a measurer; middle peasant of the 1st degree - a strong middle peasant, an unlucky person.

Among the lucky ones: a lucky one of the III degree - a weak, fragile lucky one; lucky II degree - complete lucky; lucky I degree - absolute lucky, prince.

In this approach, a group of successful people is especially attracted. The psychotherapeutic approach we are developing is aimed at the transition of a person to the number of successful people or the transition within this group to a higher level.

Now about everything in order.

Losers are people who almost never achieve the goals they set for themselves. And for achievements, even small ones, they pay too high a price. They give up claims for results, success; often deprived of comfort in their life path. Many of them think hard about how they will behave during the "general" retribution for their failures. When they accumulate material values, they do it for the sake of that very “rainy day”, which, in their opinion, will someday come. When they start any business, they pre-program themselves for failure and are busy “laying straws” in those places where they will definitely fall in case of an inevitable catastrophe. As you can see, such people predict failure in advance and unconsciously bring it closer by their actions.

The middle peasants are those who are content with the little that they manage to achieve day by day, patiently bearing their burden. They avoid risk and possible losses. They limit themselves, their achievements, their comfort in life. They always just make ends meet. Avoid risk. They often think about what will happen when they fail. However, they are fixated on failure to a lesser extent than the representatives of the previous group.

Successful people are those who achieve their goals, take risks, fulfill contracts, agreements concluded with themselves. Successful people provide for themselves and their loved ones the desired level of comfort.

Losers

Losers manipulate themselves and other people, shifting responsibility for their problems to others. Most of the time they play roles, pretend, repeating patterns of behavior learned in childhood and expending energy on maintaining masks and restraining their activity. They are constantly afraid of being in trouble. They are immersed in games with themselves and others, and these games replace reality for them, making them unable to be honest and frank with other people and, especially, with themselves. This can be established by reconstructing and listening to dialogues between human subpersonalities. At the same time, they direct all their efforts and thoughts to live in accordance with the expectations of other people. And, ultimately, the loser throughout life is someone else, not himself.

Many of them dream fruitlessly of a miracle that will make them happy without any effort on their part. In the meantime, they wait and remain passive.

They destroy the present by focusing on the past or the future, often experiencing anxiety in the present and fleeing from it.

Anxiety and anxiety distort their perception of reality. They prevent themselves from seeing, hearing, feeling, understanding. They see themselves and others in a distorted mirror. And live surrounded by crooked mirrors.

They often lie. And both to those around you, and to yourself. Lying is just a way of life for them. And every year more and more of it in their lives.

However, they usually manage to rationalize their actions, explain the defeat. This does not always work out immediately after another failure. Sometimes this takes time. But it always brings comfort.

Such people are afraid of everything new. With all their might, they cling to their usual status. And often they are not even aware of the possibilities for a more productive fulfillment of their life path. We can say that they live other people's lives: popular personalities- stars, heroes of films, books. Sometimes relatives or just neighbors. After all, they do not even want to realize their originality, uniqueness.

The actions, actions and arguments of losers are predictable. They do not love themselves, so they have little access to love for their neighbor.

Middle peasants

The group of the middle peasants is formed by three subgroups, whose representatives can be called the little-lucky, the extreme measurers and the koekakers. These people constitute the "golden mean" of society. They are constantly preoccupied with making ends meet. And they succeed in this, really only making ends meet and nothing more.

Day by day they carry their burden, while winning a little, but not losing much either. They do not rise to heights and do not fall into abysses. They do not know how to take risks, avoid risk and consider it unjustified. Their life is calm and devoid of surprises.

D. Ron (1998) writes that the world is full of people whose decisions are aimed at destroying their own chances of success.

Every day we have dozens of moments when we are at a crossroads and we need to make decisions on both small and large issues. Choosing a solution gives us the opportunity to build the quality of our future. We must be ready to make decisions in advance. The moment of choice requires from us knowledge and philosophy, developed by us on the basis of this knowledge, which will either serve us or nullify all our efforts, D. Ron believes.

lucky ones

The totalitarian, unified system of education masterfully reproduced the losers and the middle peasants, while the successful ones were a "by-product". Therefore, many need therapy, as fragments from the losers and the middle peasants are literally soldered into the structure of their personality.

Successful people achieve their goals, fulfill contracts concluded with themselves. Successful people provide themselves with comfortable living conditions. They act consciously, productively, have a sense of perspective. Able to develop different strategies of behavior, approach problems from different winning points of view.

The lucky person considers many possibilities and chooses a few from them. He takes into account real circumstances, tries different ways of moving towards the result, until he achieves success. Able to set and achieve long-term goals. Avoids concentrating all resources on a single goal. This ensures that life's dead ends are avoided.

Representatives of this group do not bind themselves with rigid patterns of behavior. Act according to changing circumstances. React according to the situation. And they can change their plans in accordance with changed conditions.

Able to separate facts from opinions, projects from the realities of life. They are able to consider problems both from the point of view of people's behavior and their interests. Value time. And they act based on the facts and realities of life.

Strive to please others. After all, doing something nice for another person is even useful for own health. Do not use manipulation of people as a means of achieving comfort and security. In particular, they allow themselves to lie only when it is absolutely necessary for them.

They know how to rejoice in their own achievements, to be spontaneous. To enjoy work, communication, nature, sex, food. And they know how to delay pleasure. It is the ability to endure pleasures in time important feature lucky ones.

Successful people set themselves up for success, for results. They have the ability to express their fundamental beliefs without condemning and humiliating other people. Able to help other people find their own way without exhausting advice.

For successful people, the main thing in life is to be authentic, to learn new things, to realize oneself. Increasingly allow yourself the luxury of frankness and honesty, openness and responsiveness. They take responsibility and allow themselves to claim.

Successful people successfully refuse both the manipulation of other people and the complete dependence on anyone. They are their own leaders. Avoid feelings of reverence for anyone and references to false authorities.

Successful people often live in order to fully realize their human potential, to make the world a better place, so that they themselves, those around them, both near and far, would be better, and they could achieve happiness.

Awareness of luck can increase its level.

According to D. Rohn (1998), as our results suffer, our position begins to weaken. And as our attitudes towards life begin to immediately shift from positive to negative, our self-confidence drops further... and so on.

If we want to be successful, we will constantly watch the thin line between success and failure, identify the inner drives to repeat ineffective actions that sometimes cost us dearly, and learn to find and use new ways to achieve our goals.

Let's name the criteria for distinguishing within the group of successful people.

A successful person of the III degree is a capable person who achieves results through the long-term development of his abilities. A lucky man of the II degree is a gifted person who achieves results by work, on the basis of natural prerequisites. Lucky I degree - a talent or genius, easily and freely achieving outstanding results. Geniuses are born, and every person is born a genius. Unfortunately, only a few know in which area they are brilliant.

A lucky person of the III degree is focused on owning, accumulating, having. A successful person of the II degree directs his efforts to become someone, to achieve the desired result, or to receive according to his achievements, his contribution. A successful person of the 1st degree strives to take place, to realize his abilities to the fullest extent, and the categories “to be” and “to have” for him are formed on their own, without special fixation on this.

The 3rd Degree Lucky person lives in a world where “should” and “should” rule, and there is little room for “can” and “want.” In the world of the successful II degree, “I can” and “I want”, “I must” and “should” get along with each other without conflict. Whereas for a successful person of the 1st degree, “I can”, “I want”, “I must” and “should” simply coincide.

A successful person of the III degree often achieves a result after many attempts, and only sometimes he is lucky. He takes risks with great caution and on trifles. A successful person of the II degree achieves a result in one or two attempts, carefully and justifiably taking risks and controlling the situation. He often gets lucky. A successful person of the 1st degree follows the most direct path, achieves results on the first try, easily and freely, willingly taking risks and having fun. He's always lucky.

For a successful person of the III degree, most of his daily work seems to him a joyless duty, mostly only the results please him. A lucky person of the II degree habitually performs his work, part of which brings joy. A lucky person of the 1st degree is engaged in what gives him joy and pleasure.

A successful person of the III degree easily returns to the position of the middle peasant and even the loser. To return to their previous positions, he needs significant efforts. With great difficulty, a successful person of the III degree moves to the level of a more successful person and easily descends from it. A lucky person of the II degree is more stable in his luck, with great difficulty descends to lower positions. A lucky person of the 1st degree moves to lower levels with difficulty and for a very short time.

The lucky III degree does not always complete the work begun. It is characterized by procrastination, getting stuck in the execution process to the detriment of the result. The lucky II degree completes what he started, although sometimes with a significant delay. A successful person of the 1st degree always completes what he started and goes to receive the fruits of his activity in the shortest way.

They differ from each other in their response to stress. The lucky III degree sometimes fails, falls into despondency. A lucky man of the II degree wins and survives, and this is sometimes difficult for him. The lucky one of the 1st degree wins easily, diverting only a part of his resources to the fight, sometimes without even noticing the stress.

Therapeutic questionnaires to identify the level of a fixed emotional set

We have developed and use therapeutic questionnaires that allow us to measure the level of a person's fixed emotional attitude, to reveal those qualities that hinder an increase in the level of luck. By working on each characteristic, trait, or problem that leads to reduced luck, we increase the level of luck for that characteristic. This psychotherapeutic work is carried out individually or in a group.

The questionnaire is suitable for individual, group and independent work. Before proceeding to the main variants of the questionnaires, let us dwell on the screening version. This version is supposed to get a quick result that does not claim to be accurate. Here we find out how interested and ready the subject is to work with questionnaires, how effective such work can be. We also use screening when we operate under conditions of temporary shortage. For example, only one consultation or a presentation educational course. Here are the instructions for filling out and the text of the questionnaire.

Screening

For each question or statement, it is important for you to choose one of the three possible answers. Please choose quickly without hesitation. Underline or circle the number that represents your answer:

Always, very true - 3 points;

Sometimes, not definitely - 2 points;

Never quite right - 1 point.

IN MY LIFE I:

I use the opportunity to realize myself.

I rejoice in my achievements.

I evaluate myself in terms of: “What will people say?”

In my affairs I expect failure, so as not to be disappointed when they occur.

I take advantage of justified risk.

I act according to the changing situation.

I take responsibility.

I strive to avoid unproductive worry and anxiety.

I bring to completion the things I started.

I love hearing the praise I deserve.

When calculating the results, we add up all the answers. Moreover, in questions 3 and 4, the answer of 1 point is taken into account as 3 points, and the answer of 3 points as 1 point. A sum from 10 points to 15 can correspond to a loser. The amount from 15 to 25 points - the average. And from 25 to 30 points to the lucky one.

The main version of the questionnaire

More accurate information can be obtained using the main version of the questionnaire. It consists of the text of the Questionnaire A, the sheet of the assessment scale of the Questionnaire A, the answer form No. 1 of the Questionnaire A, the answer form No. 2 of the Questionnaire A, the formula for obtaining the final value for the Questionnaire A, the Questionnaire B.

A total score of 7 corresponds to a successful 1st degree.

A total score of 6 corresponds to a successful 2nd degree.

A total score of 5 corresponds to a successful 3rd degree and an average 1st degree.

The total score of 4 corresponds to the average of the 2nd degree.

The total score of 3 corresponds to the average of the 3rd degree.

And a loser of the 1st degree.

A total score of 2 corresponds to a failure of the 2nd degree.

A total score of 1 corresponds to a failure of the 3rd degree.

It is noteworthy that the group of middle peasants, especially the 3rd and 1st degrees, is difficult to differentiate, on the one hand, from the successful 3rd degree and, on the other hand, from the losers of the 1st degree. Questionnaire B was introduced for such differentiation. The latter consists of 10 questions with alternative answers. The answer "Yes" corresponds to the choice of the middle peasant.

It is noteworthy that 1st degree winners and 3rd degree losers are characterized by extreme responses. Where 1st degree winners choose "Always" (categorically yes, very true), 3rd degree losers choose "Never" (categorically no, very wrong). Grade 2 successes and Grade 2 losers often choose the answers "Almost always" (yes, true) or "Almost never" (no, false). Moreover, their choices are also opposite. Where the lucky one chooses "Almost always," the loser chooses "Almost never."

Successful 3, Average 1, 2, 3, and Unsuccessful 1 degree choose answers "Often" (rather yes, rather true) or "Rarely" (rather not, rather false) or "Uncertain".

We use this therapeutic questionnaire in both individual and group therapy. It is also suitable for self-analysis. In all cases, it can be used in several ways. In the simplest version, the respondent asks himself the question: what is my fixed emotional setting at the present time? And gives one answer to each question of the questionnaire. The second option involves three evaluations. The subject answers the questions: what was I, what am I, what do I want to become? Moreover, he finds a significant time for himself in the past and evaluates what he was then. Then evaluates itself in the present. And the third time evaluates itself in the future. What he wants to become at a certain point in his life path.

Here is the text of the questionnaire, the sheet of the rating scale and the form for entering answers.

Questionnaire text A

IN MY LIFE I:

1. I set myself up for good luck.

2. I use the opportunity to realize myself.

3. I rejoice in my achievements.

4. I use the opportunity to learn new things.

5. I use the opportunity to be open to other people.

6. Evaluate myself in terms of what people will say.

7. In my affairs I expect failure, so as not to be disappointed when they occur.

8. I enjoy communication.

9. I am lucky.

10. I enjoy my work.

11. Avoid dependency on the past.

12. I can express my beliefs.

13. I enjoy nature.

14. I use opportunities for justified risk.

15. Plan several ways to achieve each important goal.

16. I enjoy sex.

17. I trust people.

18. I love to listen to the praise I deserve.

19. Act according to changing situations.

20. I value time.

21. I enjoy food.

22. Panic to achieve multiple goals at the same time.

23. I trust myself.

24. I maintain friendly relations with others.

25. I persist in matters that are important to me.

26. Avoid conflicts.

27. Self-confident.

28. I enjoy my favorite art.

29. I accept responsibility.

30. I enjoy sleep.

31. I change my plans according to circumstances.

32. I strive to be independent of the future.

33. Looking for ways to be successful.

34. I act consciously.

35. I have a vision of perspective.

36. I consider each situation from different, advantageous points of view for me.

37. I set myself long-term goals.

38. I am sure that the most important thing in my life is to realize myself as fully as possible.

39. I separate real, objective facts from people's subjective opinions.

40. I consider many possibilities and choose a few of them.

41. I live in the present.

42. I avoid shifting responsibility for my affairs to others.

43. I strive to avoid unproductive worry and anxiety.

44. I consider myself the master of my own destiny.

45. I strive to overcome self-limitations.

46. ​​I am characterized by inner freedom.

47. I bring to completion the things I started.

48. What I wish to do coincides with what I must do.

49. I reach my goal in the shortest way.

50. I strive to ascend to my highest peak.

51. I dream of a miracle that will change my life for the better.

52. I perform deeds and actions out of a sense of duty.

53. I'm late because I decide what to do, what to choose.

54. I avoid the unknown, the unfamiliar, the new.

55. I give advice to other people with great care and after careful consideration.

56. I strive to think well about myself and about other people.

57. I strive to highlight and use the positive aspects of everything that happens to me and around.

Questionnaire score sheet A

The rating scale sheet contains instructions for completing the answer sheet and a table of answer values. Let's bring him.

Rating scale sheet

Your attention is invited to questions and statements. Please answer them by choosing one of the seven answers that is most correct for you. Please work dynamically and especially do not think about the answers. Please enter your answers on the answer sheet by putting one of the seven numbers against the number of each question. If you are unable to enter an answer right away, circle the question number and return to it after completing the questionnaire. Please note that only those who answer all questions will receive the most full information About Me.

Your score // The value of the score in points

Almost always, YES, right // 6

Often, rather YES, rather true // 5

Undefined // 4

Rarely, rather NO, not true // 3

Almost never, NO, not true // 2

ANSWER FORM No. 1 QUESTIONNAIRE A

After reading the question or statement in the text of questionnaire A, put down for each question one of the values ​​of the rating scale sheet.

Question No:: Grade Value:: Question No:: Grade Value

ANSWER FORM No. 2 QUESTIONNAIRE A

After reading the question or statement in the text of Questionnaire A, write down three answers for each question: I was, now I am, in the future I want to become.

Question No.: I was, I am, I want to become (rating value, 3 answers) :: Question No.: I was, I am, I want to become (Evaluation value, 3 answers)

1. ___ ___ ___ 29. ___ ___ ___

2. ___ ___ ___ 30. ___ ___ ___

3. ___ ___ ___ 31. ___ ___ ___

4. ___ ___ ___ 32. ___ ___ ___

5. ___ ___ ___ 33. ___ ___ ___

6. ___ ___ ___ 34. ___ ___ ___

7. ___ ___ ___ 35. ___ ___ ___

8. ___ ___ ___ 36. ___ ___ ___

9. ___ ___ ___ 37. ___ ___ ___

10. ___ ___ ___ 38. ___ ___ ___

11. ___ ___ ___ 39. ___ ___ ___

12. ___ ___ ___ 40. ___ ___ ___

13. ___ ___ ___ 41. ___ ___ ___

14. ___ ___ ___ 42. ___ ___ ___

15. ___ ___ ___ 43. ___ ___ ___

16. ___ ___ ___ 44. ___ ___ ___

17. ___ ___ ___ 45. ___ ___ ___

18. ___ ___ ___ 46. ___ ___ ___

19. ___ ___ ___ 47. ___ ___ ___

20. ___ ___ ___ 48. ___ ___ ___

21. ___ ___ ___ 49. ___ ___ ___

22. ___ ___ ___ 50. ___ ___ ___

23. ___ ___ ___ 51. ___ ___ ___

24. ___ ___ ___ 52. ___ ___ ___

25. ___ ___ ___ 53. ___ ___ ___

26. ___ ___ ___ 54. ___ ___ ___

27. ___ ___ ___ 55. ___ ___ ___

28. ___ ___ ___ 56. ___ ___ ___

The key to the questionnaire is given in the appendix at the end of the book.

As already mentioned above, the group of middle peasants, especially those of the 1st and 3rd degrees, is difficult to differentiate, on the one hand, from the successful 3rd degree and, on the other hand, from the losers of the 1st degree. Questionnaire B was introduced for such differentiation. The latter consists of 10 questions with alternative answers. The answer "Yes" corresponds to the choice of the middle peasant.

Here is the text of Questionnaire B. As already mentioned, it is designed to differentiate the middle peasants from the losers of the 1st degree and the successful ones of the 3rd degree. And it is used when it is necessary to carry out such differentiation. For each of the ten questions or statements, it is important to choose for yourself one of the given answers: “YES” or “No” and circle it.

Questionnaire b

1. I prefer a calm, measured life without stress and worries. Not really

2. I avoid risk, because by risking you can lose everything. Not really

3. A person is the "golden mean" in business, success and life - this is about me. Not really

4. Everything in my life is at least no worse than others. Not really

5. In life, I refuse to achieve heights, but I do not fall into the abyss either. Not really

6. I always make ends meet. Not really

7. I think that I am the same as many others around me. Not really

8. In the end, everything that happens is for the best. Not really

9. I am no worse or better than others. Not really

10. I check many times possible consequences and only then do I act. Not really

To change a fixed emotional attitude, it is decoded. It is carried out by understanding what is unlucky or low level luck for a specific important quality. To do this, the selected answers are disclosed in questionnaire A. And with those characteristics where the numerical values ​​are lower required level, special therapeutic work is carried out. Much remains to be done in this exciting and exciting work.

It is important to emphasize once again that these questionnaires are therapeutic and are simply not intended for diagnostic work! In fact, they are stimulus material for psychotherapy or introspection.

It must be said that patients who show a low level of luck do not always strive to move from the category of frogs to princes. Many of them wish to remain frogs, only to live in a more comfortable swamp.

The more pronounced the problems and illnesses of a person, the stronger his need to reinforce his existing existential position.

Some people have mixed life positions. Such people are still childhood can decide to be successful I degree (princes) in work, middle peasants II degree (extreme measures) in terms of material well-being and failures III degree (frogs) in their personal lives. We have given a therapeutic diagnosis that expresses the important life decisions of many people. A significant number of such people could be met in the Soviet era in research institutions, academic campuses.

However, with mixed life positions, many other sets of existential solutions are possible. They often come to light during the psychotherapeutic process. And I must say that it is often easier to change such life positions than monolithic ones. True, the changes themselves may not be very sustainable.

Concluding the section on fixed existential positions, we present two expressions of the founder of transactional analysis, E. Berne.

The lucky ones are able to bring trouble to others only indirectly, touching onlookers in the battles going on between them. However, sometimes touching millions. The greatest problems for themselves and others are brought by losers. Even having risen to the top, they remain losers, and when retribution comes, they draw other people into it. The loser falling from the top carries with him everyone he can only reach. Therefore, it is sometimes important to ensure that a sufficient distance is maintained from the losers. And one more quote.

The lucky one is the one who becomes the captain of the team, dates the May Queen and wins at poker. The middle peasant is also in the team. Only during matches, he does not run close to the ball, makes an appointment with a statistician, and in a poker game he remains “with his own”, that is, without winning or losing. The loser doesn't get on the team, doesn't make a date, and in a game of poker is lost in smoke.

Each person can significantly increase their level of luck. You can start it without delay, right now. Important here is knowledge in the field of emotional interactions - strokes and kicks.

strokes

Strokes, kicks, interactions without feeling

An analysis of the fixed emotional attitudes of Soviet and post-Soviet people shows that one of the most common causes of failure and health problems is low self-esteem and a low level of self-esteem. More precisely, unjustifiably low self-esteem and an unjustifiably low level of self-esteem.

Research in this area shows that most people have not developed internal reserves of good attitude towards themselves. And whoever does not love himself is hardly capable of loving others.

Self-respect, self-love are formed by accumulating facts of recognition of one's own merits, results, and merits.

In the language of transactional analysis, a unit of recognition or simply recognition is called a stroke. More precisely, when this unit causes positive emotions. When it causes negative emotions, we call it a kick. When there is no recognition or emotion in the interaction, we call it a feelingless or indifferent interaction. Every human interaction contains strokes, kicks, or indifference (interactions without feelings).

Communicating, we send a signal to the partner “I'm here! Answer me!". This stimulus requires a response. The reaction of a partner can cause us positive or negative feelings, emotions. We interpret them as stroking or kicking. If the partner did not answer us in any way, did not notice, did not single out, we experience confusion, embarrassment, confusion. We evaluate his behavior as indifference to us.

We can confidently say that our life proceeds in kicks and strokes. It is they who give us the energy to accomplish. They make up our bank of strokes and kicks. And this bank largely determines our self-esteem and self-respect. Moreover, our inner potential. And, therefore, the ability to claim and act largely depends on the quality and quantity of funds invested by us in this bank. And the most unpleasant and poorly tolerated by us interaction is interaction without feelings, indifference. When there is not enough influx of feelings, a person's personality simply stops developing.

Stroking gives more energy to some people, kicks to others. Still, it can be concluded that the value of strokes is higher. After all, we can turn to stroking many times, take its energy and strengthen the stroking itself and its energy content. While turning to the kick and taking its energy, we often fall to the ground than soar up. With our successful activity, we get rid of the negative energy of the kick, spending a significant amount of strength and energy of stroking. To get rid of negative energy and oppressive emotions of kicks, and not to accumulate them in oneself - special skill and art, which is important to own. Because it allows you to get rid of negative emotions. At the same time, when analyzing the lives of especially successful people, we found that some kicks not only gave them an acceleration in life, but even transferred their success to a new, more high level. We have designated such a kick as the Golden kick. The ability to convert an ordinary kick into a Golden one is possessed by the lucky ones of the II and I degrees. Faith in your well-being and the well-being of others, in a world full of possibilities, gives impetus to the inner Free Child to use kick creatively. The source of energy lies precisely in the Natural, spontaneous Child, in his unlimited possibilities of creativity, in his faith in goodness (in the well-being of the world) and in his own omnipotence (I can do everything, everything is allowed to me). The Adaptive Child is more likely to submit to a kick, and will "prove" its legitimacy.

Indifference - lack of response to an offer to communicate - ignoring feelings, desires, fears and the very existence of a partner. Perhaps indifference hurts more than a kick. Lack of incentives leads to dying, fading, loss vital energy. Women, children and the elderly are most sensitive to indifference. Many people may say, “I want to be loved. I am ready to accept a negative attitude towards me. But for me, the indifference of others is unbearable.

So, strokes are much more useful for us and more important than kicks and indifference. And it is important to specifically engage in strokes, since life in our country in itself provides us with a large number of kicks and indifference.

To receive strokes, a person uses all five senses. Therefore, strokes, like kicks, can be auditory, visual, kinesthetic, aromatic, gustatory. Usually we use the auditory channel, we speak and hear conversations, forgetting about other possibilities for receiving information and enjoying it.

Stroking, like kicking, can be verbal or non-verbal. We convey verbal strokes with the help of speech, non-verbal strokes with the help of facial expressions, gestures, body. When communicating, verbal and non-verbal strokes may or may not coincide.

Let us dwell on the features of verbal strokes and kicks. They can be conditional when they relate to what a person does. You are told: "You are doing a good job." Such stroking emphasizes the result of a person.

Stroking can be unconditional. This is more important for the person, since such strokes are addressed to who the person is. They tell you: "You are a top-class specialist."

There are fake, fake strokes. Outwardly, they seem to be positive, but in reality they turn out to be kicks. Here is an example: “Of course, you understand what I am telling you, although you give the impression of a narrow-minded person.” It's kicks sweetened with fake strokes.

Five Rules for Stroking

Every person, regardless of gender and age, needs stroking. Stroking is necessary for a person to maintain and develop health. A person also often draws energy for activity and activity in strokes. Children and old people especially need strokes. The most acute need for strokes is in childhood and adolescence. This is the first rule.

The older a person is, the less physical strokes he receives and the more he is tuned in to psychological strokes. We gladly hug children when they are small. We press them to ourselves, kiss, pinch, pat, blow on the navel and ass, bite, tickle, rub. But you never know what other strokes can be done. And all of them are perceived by the child joyfully, as signs of recognition. The child is growing. He is moving further and further away from us. We touch him less and less, and our strokes are more and more psychological in nature. And it would never occur to anyone to do the above strokes, addressed to small children, with adults or the elderly. On the other hand, our psychological strokes can become more and more differentiated and sophisticated. This is the second rule.

The third rule says that strokes reinforce the behavior that leads to strokes. A person who receives strokes, unconsciously, and consciously, strives to receive them again. We receive strokes from the people around us, from ourselves, from comfortable living conditions. And some people are so eager for strokes, so dependent on them that they are, as it were, in the web of strokes and are guided by it through life.

A person is able to accumulate strokes in himself. This ability is different for everyone and can be developed through psychological training. Each person's collection of strokes is called their stroke bank. For one, this bank is extensive and filled with unconditional strokes. Such a person is more dependent on himself, his own opinion, having a high degree of autonomy. For another, this bank is small or dysfunctional. Such a person is dependent on strokes from the outside and is attracted by a web of strokes. This is the fourth rule.

The fifth rule says that strokes and kicks are inversely related. The more a person accepts positive strokes, the less he gives kicks. The more a person takes kicks, the less strokes he gives.

Soviet and post-Soviet people are reluctant to give strokes and are often simply poorly trained to accept strokes from others. When you ask such a person to look attentively at another person and sincerely, from the heart, give strokes, then this sometimes succeeds. And it is much more difficult when you ask to straighten your shoulders, to see, hear and feel the person who is stroking you. And so feel the stroking itself, completely accepting it, so that goosebumps run down your back from the realization of pleasant experiences, and so that this stroking remains with you for a long time, for many years.

Claude Steiner emphasizes that the acceptance of strokes is a biological process, like eating food, and takes time. Just as dried soil requires watering and slowly saturates with water, swells and changes its consistency, so a person should be filled with strokes. Each person has their own period of saturation. In any case, after a stroke is given, it may take five to fifteen seconds (or more) before it is accepted. According to the observations of K. Steiner, the most main feature what is completely accepted is when the person perceives it, smiles broadly and contentedly, and says nothing in return.

A quick reciprocal stroke or a hasty "thank you" are signs of an incompletely accepted stroke. The man did not accept stroking, and did not refuse it. (Steiner Claude, 1974, 327-328).

Ignoring and devaluing strokes indicates a rejection of strokes. For example, "You look so good!". Answer with ignoring stroking: "What time is it?". Response with devaluing strokes: “There is poor lighting here.”

Learning to take strokes is much more difficult than learning to give them.

Stroking is so important in our life that, based on ideas about them, all people, following E. Berne, can be divided into real and supple. Real people have an ample bank of strokes and often make their own decisions. Compliant people depend on the strokes and kicks of others and often fall under the influence of the “cakes of fate”, turn out to be failed, losers.

How this happens, we want to illustrate with a fairy tale by Claude Steiner in a Russian way, which we tell at our trainings for children and adults.

Prohibitions on strokes

Tale of Warm Strokes

In a distant kingdom in a distant state, there lived two happy people - Ivan and Marya with their children Nastenka and Mishutka. To understand how happy they were in those days, listen to the story.

You know about those happy days too, because each of you received a soft and warm Bag of happiness at birth.

At any time, a child in that Kingdom could turn to the Bag and receive warmth and caress, and remain warm and loved for a long time.

In those distant days, it was easy and accessible for everyone to be happy. If only it became sad, then you could open the bag, put your hand in there and warm, fluffy balls flew out of it - Stroking. As soon as the Strokes saw the light, they smiled and wanted to smile back. They sat on the head, shoulders, arms. And warmth spread through the skin, and it became calmer. And since everyone always had Strokings, there were no difficulties and sadness. All the people were healthy, kind and friendly. They were warmed by care and attention. They were happy.

Once Baba Yaga, who made balms and potions from leeches and snake venom for sick people, got very angry. Nobody bought her medicines because people stopped getting sick. Baba Yaga was very smart and came up with an insidious plan.

Once, on a beautiful sunny day, Marya was playing with Nastenka and Mishutka. And Baba Yaga turned into a fly and buzzed Ivan: “Look, Ivan! Watch and listen! Marya is now giving Strokes to Nastenka and Mishutka. And they stay with the children and don't go back to the Pouch. This is how all Stroking can end. And when someone really needs them, for example, you, Marya will no longer have them.

Ivan was surprised: “Well, every time we take from the Stroking Bag, their number decreases?”.

And Baba Yaga answered: “Yes, they do not come back! And once they run out, you won't be able to have them anymore!" Baba Yaga was very pleased. She sat on her broom and flew away laughing.

Ivan took it to heart. Now he began to follow Marya and was always annoyed when Mary handed out Strokes without counting to children and other people. Ivan started complaining about being in a bad mood when he saw Marya handing out Strokes. Maria loved her husband and stopped giving Strokes to others and kept them for him.

The children also became very cautious. They decided that Strokes should not be given at any time, in any amount, and just like that. They began to follow each other. And if parents singled out someone and gave more Strokes, they experienced jealousy and envy, complained, and sometimes threw a tantrum. And even when they themselves took Strokes from the Pouch for themselves, they felt guilty.

Each time they became more and more stingy with Stroking.

Before the intervention of Baba Yaga, people liked to get together, in groups or companies of three or four people. They never cared who got more Strokes. Stroking was always a lot and enough for everyone. After the arrival of Baba Yaga, people began to limit their communication. And if people forgot and gave Strokes again, or someone got more Strokes, then everyone was worried. And in those moments, everyone felt that it was his Strokes that had been used, the number of which had decreased. And it's undeserved. Envy and jealousy are new feelings that people have.

People began to give themselves and others less and less Strokes. They began to get sick and emaciated, they even died from lack of Strokes. All more people I began to go to Baba Yaga for potions and balms so that I could work more and not suffer.

The situation got worse and worse. Baba Yaga herself did not like all this. People were dying. And the dead do not need medicines, potions and balms. And she came up with a new plan.

Each was given a free Pouch of Kicks. The Pinkies didn't provide the same warmth as the Strokes, but it was better than nothing. The kicks were cold, they spread frost, but the kicks didn't kill people.

People were less worried now that there weren't enough Strokes. "I can give you a good kick, would you like?" - could be said in response to a request for Stroking. And people chose.

They began to die less. Although many of them became cold. They needed Strokes less and less.

If earlier Strokings were everywhere like air, and they were breathed and enjoyed by everyone without restrictions, now they have become a scarcity.

Some were lucky to have warm and loving wives, husbands, relatives or friends and not suffer from a shortage of Strokes. Most had to earn money and work hard to buy Strokes.

Some people became popular and had Strokes without having to return them. They sold Strokes to people who were unpopular but wanted to feel happy.

Even among the people there were those who made out of Pinks, which were everywhere and free of charge, fake Strokes. Then they sold these fake, fake, plastic Strokes. And if two people met with expectations to have true Strokes, exchanged plastic Strokes, then they experienced pain and disappointment.

Or people would get together and exchange plastic Strokes, then disperse, feeling cold and embarrassed by the Kicks. And that added to the problem.

Once Vasilisa the Wise came to this unfortunate country. She knew nothing about the prohibitions and distributed Strokes to everyone without restrictions. The children loved her very much, because they felt good next to her. She did not single out one person, but she loved everyone and was generous with everyone. Gradually, the children began to imitate her and again used their Stroke Bags, inserting a pen into it, and the caressing fluffy ball of Stroking straightened and smiled at the child.

The parents were very excited. They made a law against giving out Strokes without a license. However, the children did not follow the law. They continued to exchange Strokes. They grew up healthy and happy, and their path was different from that of their parents.

We live surrounded by billions of strokes. It is so accessible: color, smell, taste, sound; nature, love, intimacy, friendship, books, music, movies, friends, sports, sex, work, creativity, art. They are constantly present, nearby. However, we are often like the blind-deaf-mute, who are paralyzed at the same time. We don't feel, we don't hear, we don't see, we don't move, we don't want, we don't desire. And there are excuses for everything. The higher the intelligence, the more sophisticated justifications for our imprisonment. One of them is education. Here are his main postulates: strokes are limited. A stroke must be earned. How the person is more important giving stroking, the more valuable it is. There are five prohibitions on stroking: don't give; do not accept; do not ask; do not refuse if they give, but you do not want to; do not give strokes to yourself.

In groups, we usually ask participants to justify the prohibitions on strokes. Table 1 lists the prohibitions on stroking and explains them. (Sidorenko E. Therapy and training according to Alfred Adler. - St. Petersburg: Speech, 2000).

Prohibitions on strokes

Table 1

Reasons for the ban

Don't give strokes

1. Because people still won't believe in your sincerity.

2. People will think that you are flattering them to achieve your goals.

3. Because it's immodest to say nice things to other people.

4. Because by praising others, you do not stimulate them to develop.

5. Because you are rarely praised - why please others?

6. Yes. And who cares about your praise? After all, you are nothing.

Don't accept strokes

7. Not to borrow.

8. Because sincerely they won't tell you anyway.

9. So that people do not think that you need their support.

10. Because it is immodest - to listen to other people's praise and even more so to enjoy it.

11. Because praise will not stimulate you to develop - you need criticism.

12. And why should you be praised? After all, you are nothing.

Don't ask for strokes

13. Because it is immodest and unacceptable for a self-respecting adult.

14. Because people might think that you can't do without someone else's support.

15. Because your development needs criticism, not strokes.

16. Because after that you will be indebted to those who gave you a stroke.

17. Because they can refuse you - and they will do it right. After all, you are nothing.

Don't give up on strokes, even if you don't like them.

18. Because once given - take it, everything will come in handy in our age of economy.

19. Because it's immodest to refuse someone else's praise.

20. Because next time they may not give anything at all if you refuse now.

21. Because they deserved what they gave. What else can you claim? After all, you are nothing.

Do not give strokes to yourself.

22. Because it's in the highest degree immodest and unworthy of an adult.

23. Because for development you need criticism, not boasting.

24. Because this is a kind of psychological masturbation - and you do not want to say that you have come to this?

25. And why should you praise yourself? After all, you ... Well, yes, you yourself know who.

For a person of the post-Soviet period, the following hierarchy of prohibitions is typical: do not ask (35%); don't give (23%); do not take (15%); do not stroke yourself (14%); do not refuse, even if you do not like it (12%). “Do not ask” is the strongest prohibition. If you ask - it means weak, dependent! Do not trust yourself and others! - the slogan of such people. They are usually suspicious, have difficulty making decisions, are easily exhausted emotionally and physically, and are constantly irritated.

In our trainings, we give special exercises when the whole group asks and gives each other strokes. The first stage is the exchange of things as strokes mediated through objects. Here the game is fun. Then the exchange of money, as strokes mediated through material values, having their own value - here the rate of exchange is significantly reduced. When it is proposed to give and accept slowly and with complete absorption unconditional verbal strokes with the addition of non-verbal strokes, with the condition that both are congruent, the group experiences great difficulties.

Bank of Strokes

One of the most important therapeutic steps in analysis is to build up a sufficient bank of strokes.

The higher goals a person sets for himself, the more resistance of others he experiences on his life path - the greater the bank of strokes he needs to achieve his goals.

A person with a small bank of strokes is not able to be independent, creative personality. Such people can only be performers, whose activity and effectiveness are constantly directed and reinforced by kicks and strokes.

A sufficient number of strokes in childhood contributes to the formation of a winner scenario. This was not at all facilitated by the Soviet upbringing with an angry condemnation of "arrogance". The latter was seen in every claim to success, to an above-average result.

Let us give an example of a demonstration of a bank of strokes by Baba Yaga from the fairy tale by E. Schwartz “Two Maples”. There she says about herself: “I, Baba Yaga, am a smart girl, a killer whale, an old vostrorushka! I'm in myself, dove, I don't have tea. I, darling, love only myself. I only worry about myself, sweetheart. My gold! The old woman is a jumper, the fly is a fun. Everyone needs me, villain! I'm a sweetheart. The toad is green. Viper. I am a fox. Birdie. I'm smart. Poor thing. I am a snake. I'm a little Yaga, my dear. The only minx. I am a beauty. Robin bird.

This is how Baba Yaga presents herself - one of the most unsightly and unsympathetic characters in fairy tales. There is no doubt that with such a bank of strokes, she is capable of many accomplishments and resilience in the face of many failures.

Now let's remember how we filled out the official questionnaire in Soviet time. They underlined, crossed out and entered: "I was not, I did not participate, I was not a member." And, having completed the filling, they found themselves to be no person. And it was precisely such a person who was most in demand in the country of our past. Many people still give themselves kicks much more easily than strokes. So one young and attractive woman in our training simply refused the exercise where it was necessary to take strokes. And she said: “I can’t afford to take strokes, but I’m ready to kick myself in full right now.” And only at the end of the week's training, she allowed herself to take strokes. And it changed her life!

Working in a training or therapy group, we ask everyone to tell us about their bank of strokes. We have special exercises performed in pairs, when we develop, train and consolidate the ability of each member of the group to give and, most importantly, to receive strokes. In training or other settings, group members record and verbalize their stroke banks. Then everyone introduces a classification that is convenient for him and rewrites his bank of strokes by rubric. It is important to return to these records often, remind yourself and supplement them.

Our students, future psychotherapists and psychologists (psychologists), passing a test for this section of the course of study, had to face the entire stream for 15 minutes in an even voice, at an average pace, to present their bank of strokes. You can be sure that those who passed such a test have a bank of strokes sufficient for adaptation in modern society.

1. I am a perky and mischievous creature, a beloved child of the Universe. I came into this world to have fun and learn, to create and love, and to be happy. I am one of millions and at the same time unique.

2. I live. I am warmed by the sun and human warmth. I am supported by the Earth and carried away by the sky. I exist in the time and space of the world and carry within me my own space and time.

3. Earth's gravity sharpens the shape of my body, fills my muscles with elastic force, gives pleasure to a variety of movements and postures, and allows me to navigate the world.

4. I accept my destiny and my mission, choose my path and create my future.

5. My name is Irina. My name rings and sparkles like a crystal bell, it contains the bitter charm of a lily of the valley and the smile of a sunbeam on the thin edge of an ice floe. It has gentle warmth. strawberry field and the seething freshness of a mountain river. It contains two letters "and" - as signs of unification and harmony. Indomitable will and joy of life sound in my name.

6. I am one with nature and imbued with its beauty. I will never stop admiring and wondering how the crisp freshness of winter is replaced by the heady delight of spring, the warm languor of summer and the tart clarity of autumn. My memory stores many images of delightful places where I can be transported in my imagination whenever I wish.

7. I am in awe of beauty and expediency in man and his creations - words and thoughts, poetry and prose, music and painting, architecture and productive labor. The highest art for me is the art of love and life.

8. I am a charming intelligent woman.

9. Passionate and tender, timid and proud, thoughtful and cheerful, domineering and submissive, sophisticated and naive, enthusiastic and critical, windy and devoted, refined and reckless, strong and defenseless - different, woven from extremes and contradictions, and yet less, it's all me.

10. My whole being is filled with love. It sounds with trembling warmth in my voice, flickers in the corners of my eyes, shading the innermost meaning of every word and gesture, and filling me with a sensitive grace of movement. Love shows me the way, spiritualizes my dreams and desires, and crowns my life with the grace of reciprocity.

11. I am the flesh of the flesh of my ancestors, I keep a grateful memory of them and value their heritage. The traits of their characters and destinies are manifested in my destiny, inspiring and protecting me. I am a worthy daughter of my parents, I fully accept them, love them dearly and am proud of them.

12. I have a cozy home world: I am a wife and mother, the soul and keeper of my family. There are three of us - husband, son and me. Everyone has sovereign interests, and at the same time we are united. We give each other joy, warmth and care, together we overcome difficulties and build our home, which turns out to be kind and bright, there is plenty of space for all of us and for each of us.

13. I know how to make friends and value friendship. With all my heart I strive for open, trusting relationships with interesting and significant people for me. Intimacy with them is a vital source of new ideas, mutual support and feedback for me.

14. I am friendly and peaceful, my name means WORLD, and I was born to live in peace and harmony and change with the world. I believe that I can change many things for the better. I carefully select from big world everything that I like.

15. I am one with people and in tune with their brightest, kindest and most exalted feelings. I rejoice together with other people, and most of all, when I see an increase in joy and happiness in the lives of those who are close to me in blood and spirit, or who are simply nearby or meet on the way. I wish people happiness and believe that we can all be happy.

16. I am Russian. I love my Fatherland, and my small homeland - a corner of Moscow, in which I first saw the sky, said the first words and took the first steps, holding the hands of mom and dad - and all of huge Russia. I am a representative of my people, heir and bearer of Russian culture. My life is both the result of the history of my country and a contribution to it.

17. I am interested in people of different nationalities, their culture and traditions.

18. I am extremely inquisitive, I have a lively mind and developed imagination. Capable of learning and creativity, and this is my greatest pleasure. I strive to realize what nature has given me. My task is the development, maturation of the mind and soul, the achievement of efficiency and professionalism in the chosen business. I am learning flexibility, sensitivity and awareness, learning to let events take their course, to listen and observe. I want to perceive myself as I am, trust myself, discover for myself the creative power of my feelings and experiences. I strive to ensure that my emotions and self-esteem become a source of energy and an incentive for real deeds, I pave the way to myself and, through my soul, further - to the world, to people.

19. I am interested and concerned about the spatio-temporal organization of the human psyche and human interactions, I read a lot and think about it.

20. I enjoy communicating with talented and creative people, admire their skills, love to learn new things about them and their business, learn from them, adopt the skills and abilities I need and embody them in my life.

21. I work fruitfully and recklessly, highly appreciate and constantly master devices and devices that make it easier to work, speed it up and make it better. This also applies to production activities, and, especially, the household. I love to buy and use these things.

22. I like to work in a team and for a team of my like-minded people. I actively support the leader as a creator, unifier and organizer, bearer of the ideology and methodology of the team.

23. I want to discover leadership qualities in myself in order to realize my plans.

24. I am successful in brainstorming, defend my ideas and beliefs with reason and skill, and can change them if I get evidence that I was wrong. I recognize the right to make mistakes.

25. I have organizational skills.

26. I enjoy the "power of the mind, soul and talent" as a means of optimizing performance and I myself gladly submit to such power.

27. I am a sincere and open person.

28. I consider truth to be the best policy.

29. I am freedom-loving, able to resist violence against my personality.

30. I am a reliable and responsible person. I am able to make decisions and implement them.

31. I have a sense of humor.

32. My son and I enjoy playing Lego, making long bike rides, going downhill and climbing trees, reading books to each other, writing and telling fairy tales. We also love to travel around the old Russian cities and get to know them better as a family.

33. I am happy to manage the household, equip and decorate my house, come up with all sorts of original "highlights" for it. Living in my house is calm and comfortable.

34. The most pleasant thing in the world of things is cool, flowing on the skin chinese silk, warm soft cashmere and gentle suede. I love walking in elegant shoes, wearing elegant jewelry and wrapping myself in light fluffy fur. And choose for yourself the aromas of perfumes and flowers that give me pleasure and match my mood.

35. My element is fire, I look and cannot see enough of it. It fascinates and warms me, introducing me to the eternal magic of being. I am proud that I know how to build and maintain a fire and cook food on an open fire.

36. I often perform sacred duties in the kitchen, invent all sorts of goodies to please myself and my family with them. And then the house is filled with new warm aromas and becomes even more comfortable from this. I am happy to arrange feasts and receive guests, buy and read cookery books.

37. My hobby is embroidery. On a clear sunny day, when the finest shades of color are visible, it is so wonderful to slowly select the threads needed for a drawing from my collection, and then embroider pictures and decorate a house with them or give them to loved ones.

39. I enjoy riding, playing badminton, and most of all I like it slow down the slope on skiing, invigorating joy in every muscle from precisely adjusted movements, intoxication with power over speed.

40. I love animals - horses, cows, dogs, but especially cats, and most of all - my affectionate purr - Siam Barsik. Animals trust me, I know how to take care of them.

41. Plants understand me. They respond to my care, grow well and bloom, decorating my home and workplace.

42. I really love forests, fields and rivers - everything that makes up the essence of Russian nature. I am interested in the names of flowers, herbs, and trees, I recognize them as old friends. I like to look at them carefully, inhaling the living smells, and observe their life.

43. I am inspired by the custom of giving flowers. Joyful and spicy bright yellow roses, frosty needle chrysanthemums, marvelous irises and orchids - the embodiment of luxury, created by the commonwealth of nature and man.

44. I have a sense of my native language. I like to guess the deep meaning and origin of simple words, I am fascinated by the phonetic structure of the language and the music of Russian speech. I experience great pleasure from reading when the author has a good command of the language and has a unique style of his own. There are several books that I love to re-read, and each time they open up to me in a new way.

45. In artistic and scientific prose, prayers, poems and songs, in everyday speech, I enthusiastically look for words that especially accurately express what I feel and think. Often the right word, prompted by the interlocutor, becomes for me a truly priceless gift. I like to express my thoughts and feelings on paper. It happens that I write poetry, they give pleasure to me and those who hear them.

46. ​​I like to read books, watch movies and sing songs in English. I am gradually getting used to it. I am interested in the features of thinking and consciousness reflected in English and French, especially in their tense paradigm, the use of modal and auxiliary verbs, connectives and prepositions, shades of meaning of similar concepts, idioms.

47. I know many beautiful old and modern poems, poetry accompanies me in life, helps me feel and comprehend uncertain situations, survive the pain of defeats and disappointments, fill moments of expectation and sadness with meaning.

48. I like calligraphy, I enjoy the artistic depiction of Cyrillic letters.

49. I admire the skill of artists and composers who translate images and sounds into a language understandable to everyone and capture fleeting images of their observations or inner insights for centuries.

50. I love discovering new places for myself and then returning to them, looking for and memorizing details that touch the soul, weaving the quivering moment into the measured pace of eternity. Butterfly flying on the shoulder of a granite monarch; an ink bottle standing between two lions on the stairs of a pompous government office; a pair of dazzling white doves frolicking in the sky above the Kyiv Sofia; a young constable sheltering from the weather behind the ancient blocks of Stonehenge; glare of fire on the walls of the Dmitrievskaya Church in Vladimir, enlivening the outlandish creatures carved on the white stone wall; my son, reaching for the steering wheel of Peter's little boat in Pereslavl, a Siamese cat, on a polar day contemplating from the window the proud passage of a huge cruiser along the Kola Bay. These images, like many others, excite the imagination and help to live.

51. I like to ride the subway. It not only serves as a place for self-education for me, as I read books there, but also immerses me in the stream of human lives and destinies. I look and see how many of us are, and how different we are, and how differently we treat each other and ourselves. How wonderful are young lovers, clinging to each other and forgetting about everything in the world, and how beautiful are elderly couples, just like that, hand in hand, having gone through life. Women who were given flowers, loving parents and their children, people who are carried away by a good book, absorbed in an interesting conversation, all those whose faces are lit up with a smile, lively interest, admiration, kindness and love ...

52. I am deeply grateful to my Teachers, to all the people I meet in my life, and to those whose thoughts and feelings reach me through space and time.

In training, in therapeutic practice, in working with fixed emotional attitudes, strokes, kicks, and non-feeling interactions, we are often aware of the complex structure of the human self. When in one state we are completely prosperous, in another we are less prosperous, and in a third we are not at all prosperous. In one state, we willingly and skillfully give strokes, in another we are able to receive them. And there is also a third state, entering which we criticize everything, become distrustful and obnoxious.

Every person is complex. It contains conflicting parts. It is important to understand this, to be able to recognize and apply it in work, and simply in life. This is where analysis approaches come in handy. No wonder this rather simple and informative system is becoming increasingly popular among therapists, social workers, educators and patients around the world.

Why are some people rich and successful, while others are poor and unhappy? We often ask ourselves this question. Like, he was lucky, he found his path, or the heir to rich parents, or a thief, whatever the pessimist will say. But at the same time he does nothing to get even a small step closer to their success. We will talk about this and much more in the article.

What is the secret of happiness?

Life position is what affects our subconscious, thoughts, actions, perception of the world. The environment, the model of behavior, the field of activity, sincerity will depend on it. From the first minute of communication with a person, it is clear what his position in life is and whether he has one at all.

In other words, this is the attitude of the individual to the world around him, which is reflected in his thoughts and actions. There are two main types:

1. Passive life position.
2. And active.

The first, it is also called conformist, is aimed at subordinating to external circumstances and the surrounding world. Such people, as a rule, are inert, do not show any interest in life. They do not improve themselves, do not make decisions in a difficult situation, it is easier for them to bypass the problem. They don't keep their word, they lie.

The second contributes to the transformation of influencing factors on the individual and situations in his favor. Let's talk about it in more detail.

Features of an active life position

May be:

• Negative.
• And positive.

In the first case, people direct negative energy to accomplish bad deeds. They deliberately cause harm to others, imposing their opinions and goals on everyone, bringing harm, not benefit.

A positive life position is characterized by high morality and spirituality of a person. The individual leads a positive way of life, rejects evil. An active life position is a guideline that directs a person in the right direction so that he works for the benefit of society, strives to benefit people along the way.

Truly happy is the person who gives more than he receives. It is important to understand that in life nothing is given just like that, you need to work hard. And for this you need to choose the right path in life, think positively, do not waste time on unloved work, develop.

When and how is it formed?

The foundation of life position is laid in early childhood. And as the child grows older, its walls either strengthen or weaken. The construction of this frame will depend on the parents and the close environment in which the individual grew up. Namely: from heredity, upbringing, family traditions and other things.

But this does not mean that if a bad life experience was received, the person will not have any or a passive life position, not at all, it can be consciously changed, like character. So, let's understand: the formation of a life position begins from birth. Look at yourself from the outside, if you are not satisfied with life, rethink it, perhaps you are doing something wrong. Try to change yourself.

Let's talk about morality

The moral life positions of a person characterize his inner spiritual baggage and are based on the values ​​that guide him in life. Morally, the individual develops in the process of life in society, is expressed in the ability to consciously build relationships with people, with oneself, society, and the state.

The formation of moral life positions, of course, will depend on many factors, such as the environment, personality, habits, upbringing, family traditions. For their formation, you need to develop several qualities:

• You need to learn to live in harmony with yourself.
• Build relationships with adults and peers.

The moral positions of a person form a model of behavior that leads to the achievement of success and well-being.

How to determine the best position in life?

You need to analyze your life. Start with habits, review values ​​and priorities. Change your thinking. Here are examples of life positions:

• Helping people. By helping, a person benefits not only others, but also himself, because he will definitely be thanked with a kind word, rewarded with a blessing. And this is the highest award.
• Self improvement. Also, one of the best positions in life will bring stunning success, lead to the achievement of the goal, and the result of work will be appreciated by others. Do not be idle, read books, articles, attend trainings, development courses, go in for sports, go to the theater and exhibitions. It is necessary to constantly develop.
• Family and kids. If you have chosen this life position for yourself, then you are wise and smart. After all, this is our main reassignment in life. Work hard, surround children with love and care, help them fulfill themselves, make family members happy. This is the highest achievement.

Only you can determine your best position in life. The main thing is never to give up, to move forward, not to lose heart. Understand that worries, depressions, fears and bad moods will not correct the situation, but will only aggravate it. Spread your wings, take off, dream and strive to achieve your goal.

How to do it?

So, let's figure out where to start in order to develop an active life position:

1. As mentioned above, learn to set goals. Do not set impossible tasks, the goal should be specific, realistically achievable and in a short time. It is better to take small steps towards a big dream.
2. Need to get rid of bad habits. This is not only smoking and alcohol, this can include aimless pastime. Do not sit for hours on computer games, on social networks and so on. Spend your weekends usefully, visit museums and exhibitions.
3. Read more useful information.
4. Learn time management. Technology will help you organize your time properly and increase the efficiency of its use.
5. Don't close from outside world. Get to know it, open up to something new. Change your image, travel. Show interest in unknown art forms, for example.
6. Don't be afraid to take risks. Never hesitate to implement ideas. Don't stop halfway.
7. Leave negative memories behind, learn from the experience and do not look back.
8. Surround yourself only with positive people, adopt their knowledge.

To change your life for the better, you need to act. You say, they say, it's easy to talk. But then again, sitting back, arguing over unnecessary things, simply doing nothing is absenteeism, nothing will happen. Start small, learn to think positively, and slowly overcoming small obstacles, you will move towards your goal, dream.

And found out what's up in the man himself and his life position. So why do some people succeed and others don't? What secret of success? We are all looking for some technique that will help us cope with problems and achieve success in everything ... But the reasons for success or failure are not in the technique, but in our head.

If we really want to “live life in such a way that later it would not be excruciatingly painful for the aimlessly lived years” and are going to start a new life, then we first need to “change our heads”, or rather - life position generally. It is she who plays a decisive role in whether we achieve success in life, and more correctly, whether we will be happy and satisfied.

There are only two types of life position: active and passive. All successful and satisfied people have pro-active(or simply active) lifestyle. Most of us have an attitude reactive(or passive) - and it is in it that lies the cause of most of our misfortunes.

Life position- this is the base, the foundation of our personality and our attitude to life and to the world. Its primary formation occurs in childhood - under the influence of upbringing and in the image and likeness of parents, but it is entirely within our power to change it at a conscious age. However, it is difficult and scary to rebuild the foundation on which the building has already been built, so few people dare to do it. Here you need to have serious motivation and be ready to overcome difficulties. To begin with, you should once again answer yourself the question: “Do I want to In fact become a successful person and master of my life, or will I manage with what I have, but without changing anything and without risking?

Passive and active life position - what's the difference?

Reactive (passive) life position characterized, as the name implies, by the fact that the whole life of its owner - both external and internal, consists of reactions to external circumstances. Reactions are different, but the point is that they are only reactions to something beyond our control. Sometimes circumstances suit us - and we rejoice and thank heaven. But more often they do not suit us - and then we begin to either resent and swear, that is, we react negatively. This is how we live: we wait for the mercy of heaven, we get upset because of its absence and endlessly justify our failures by a combination of insurmountable and unfavorable circumstances.

What, as a rule, are our plans? “I want ...!”, “If ..., then ...”, “When ..., then ...” We are the hostages of these If And When, which do not depend on us. If we are “lucky”, of course, we will achieve what we want, but more often we are “unlucky” ... And what have we done ourselves in order to achieve what we want? “Want” and “set a goal and go for it” are very different things. And the difference is that the one who goes to the goal, valid, not just wants, and whining that something “doesn’t work out” for him, he simply has no time. If it doesn’t work out, he looks for his mistakes, corrects them and moves on.

Of course, a lot depends on the circumstances, but a person with active lifestyle only takes circumstances into account, takes them into account, laying his route. The source of his goal and the beginning of the path to it is in himself, and in the circumstances he sees possibilities for implementation their plans, developing an effective plan of their actions. If he got into a situation that does not suit him, he analyzes why he got into it (his mistakes) and thinks how to get out of it.

Many of our circumstances happened to us not by the will of an evil fate, but because we need them for some reason. We unconsciously chose and they even give us like. Even if we think that we are not. You may not like what is happening, but implicit bonus, which we get along the way.

For example, we are stuck in a destructive relationship. It’s bad, but you can whine, get hysterical, take it out on loved ones, eat sweets, drink ... - whoever is in what much, and most importantly, you can not decide or do anything! For what can we do in such terrible circumstances? Here is this one the comfort of inaction and irresponsibility we are often attracted, and so much so that we are sometimes ready to pay a very high price for it ...

And what about those misfortunes that certainly have nothing to do with our choice? Yes, circumstances are very tough, and we do not always choose them. the surrounding reality for the most part does not depend on us at all. But there is also ourselves and our relationship with reality. A proactive person sees it soberly, and sets goals realistically achievable in the existing circumstances. And he treats these circumstances in a completely different way - as an opportunity, and not as a "punishment" or "evil fate." Remember the saying: “Who wants to do something, looks for a way, and who doesn’t want it, looks for a reason”?

How to form an active life position?

The differences between an active and passive life position, apparently, lie in the area of ​​responsibility for oneself and one's life. A proactive person takes it upon himself, a reactive person strives all the time to shift it to someone or something. This means that everything that needs to be done to form an active life position and abandon a passive one, in in general terms boils down to two points:

1. Take responsibility for what is happening to us now and what happened before. Of course, only what really depended on us: our choices, decisions, feelings, thoughts, actions, reactions. We cannot be held responsible for the weather, traffic jams, the behavior and condition of other people.
2. Taking responsibility for our future - again, in what we ourselves build from our lives.

Taking responsibility is the first step to being proactive in life. However, taking on this very responsibility is not such an easy task for someone who has been accustomed to avoiding it since childhood and grew up among such examples... It is not always possible to even see it, and even worse - a person constantly confuses his responsibility with someone else's, "feeling" responsibility for something that does not depend on him in any way and at the same time is not responsible for himself. I propose the following plan for changing a passive life position to an active one:

Algorithm for the formation of an active life position

1. The first point is the most difficult: to find your responsibility for your life. It is too “obvious” that the government, ecology, boss, parents, husband / wife are “to blame” for our situation, housing problem time is like this... What is our responsibility?- For example, in the fact that we did nothing, but simply went with the flow, accepting what it brings. I met people who, at the age of 50, justified their failures by saying that their parents did not raise them that way! I would like to ask: "Where You What was the last 35 years after your parents raised you?” Moreover, a person cannot do nothing at all, even absolute inaction is also our choice which has consequences. And we have always had a choice.
2. Accept responsibility for how we deal with the circumstances of our lives. If they cause us depression, indignation, or some other kind, and we are absorbed in experiencing these emotions, then everything is clear, we like these circumstances! Let's be honest about this. To make it easier to confess, you can read the book by Eric Berne "Games People Play"- It clears the mind very well. Our reaction is also our choice, and we must try to recognize this. People react differently to the same circumstances, so there is no more need to say that “I was driven” or “I could not do otherwise.” And if at one time we had reacted differently in a hundred cases, then we would now have completely different circumstances ... Let's think about it in colors. Do you feel how the consciousness of your freedom and the fact that everything depends on you inspires? It is very uncomfortable for a person to feel like a victim, even if he has felt this way all his life.
3. After we managed to admit that we are the culprits of what is happening and happening to us, you should not waste your energy on scolding yourself last words and, again, get depressed from their worthlessness. On the contrary, everything negative emotions it is better to throw it away, and self-pity - in the first place. Tears of sorrow will not help. This habit is not easy to overcome, but it is possible. Moreover, one should not try to overcome this pity or anger in oneself - such emotions only grow from attention. Energy is better directed to a more constructive question: "What to do now?" Now that we have realized our freedom to choose a response, we can look for positive moments and opportunities in circumstances. And now we are thinking about the future.
4. next very important question: What do we want? Not “I would like a summer house in the Maldives…”, but really - what? And taking into account the fact that this will have to be achieved by making a number of efforts and making certain sacrifices? “It just doesn’t happen like that. Another feature of the reactive position is "to want us to have everything, but we have nothing for it." It is due to this love of our “freebies” that tens and hundreds of thousands of scammers live, of which there are so many divorced now. They offer an easy solution to all our problems - and thus solve their own. And our problems are not solved - but we have a reason to be indignant at their dishonesty and feel sorry for ourselves, the poor thing, who was “thrown” again ... But you must admit, if we, for example, have health (circumstances) and we want to become an Olympic champion, then we will have to get ready to the fact that we are waiting for years of grueling training - there is no other way. Why should it be different in other areas of life?
5. Having decided on desires, we transform them into goals. This raises another important question: “What are we willing to do and what to sacrifice to achieve our goals?” Are we ready to study and work extra to get rich, for example? In the circumstances in which we find ourselves, we have two ways: to work hard to create other circumstances, or to learn how to live and rejoice with those who have (which will also have to work). Maybe we will choose the second path - the main thing is that this is our choice. And we no longer feel like a victim and have no moral right to whine. But we can think about what we can do in order to change something for the better - to improve or break relations, for example. The main thing is to set goals. A successful person who builds his own life has a plan for this construction - nothing can be built without a plan.

To describe in one article all the nuances of how an active and passive life position differs and how to change one for another, of course, is unrealistic. But I hope that I managed to clarify this issue at least in general terms. The formation of an active position occurs exclusively in our head - through awareness and acceptance of responsibility. In principle, this is a one-time act, but the deepening of the position and the restructuring of habitual reactions will take some time.

Various books and even success trainings can help a lot here. They all say essentially the same thing, but until we have adopted this philosophy as “our own”, we need repetition and clarification. And only after we have established ourselves in active life position, having taken responsibility for your life and having outlined your goals, you can start looking for specific methods that will help us achieve these goals more efficiently, or create methods for yourself - that's how you like it. I wish you success! Before new meetings!

© Nadezhda Dyachenko