Vulnerable narcissism. The main sign of a narcissist that everyone seems to forget about. (Types and methods of manipulation of loved ones). Remain calm when a female narcissist tries to provoke you. Presence of mind and courage in the face of her threats and insults

What is narcissism

Psychiatrists define narcissistic personality disorder as a belief in one's own uniqueness, superiority over others, a pronounced need for admiration, intolerance of any criticism of oneself, and a lack of empathy.

The name comes from the ancient Greek myth about a beautiful young man named Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection in the water and could not tear himself away from it. As a result, he died of exhaustion and a delicate flower grew at the place of his death.

The current daffodils are clearly not in danger of death. They are usually successful and do not doubt their uniqueness. And narcissists got into diagnostic reference books on psychiatry due to the lack of criticism of their condition, unwillingness to obey generally accepted norms and rules (“rules are for ordinary people!”), Manipulative behavior and constant violation of the boundaries of other people.

The role of the family in the formation of the narcissist

It turned out that narcissists become aged 7–11 years under the influence of excessive praise from parents who instilled in their children a sense of exclusivity and exclusivity. The child begins to believe that he is better than other children, has superpowers and therefore a special fate awaits him. As a rule, in reality, all this has no objective evidence.

Since this trend in education has become very popular in the last half century and is becoming more popular every year, in the end, over the past 40 years, the number of narcissists has grown from 3 to 10 percent according to experts from the United States.

Daffodils "grand" and "hidden"

"Grand" narcissists openly declare their exclusivity, quickly create a circle of supporters around themselves, providing flattering reviews, attention from others and funds. mass media. Thanks to their powerful self-presentation, they achieve success in show business, politics, sports, and corporate management.

The danger of grandiose narcissists is that they have the opportunity, having taken a sufficiently high position, to directly destroy the psyche of their subordinates. The affected person loses the ability to maintain his personal boundaries and becomes, as it were, an appendage of a grandiose narcissist. At the same time, he is pathologically prone to feelings of shame and guilt, which the narcissist uses for his own purposes. Most grandiose narcissists are surrounded by a group of psychologically broken people, ready to do the boss's every whim.

"Hidden" narcissists do not have the ability to promote themselves, but, like the "grand" narcissists, they are confident in their chosenness. Something like "princess or prince in exile". Misunderstood, unappreciated, but they require the exclusive attention of others. To do this, they use the role of “victim of injustice” and also provide themselves with a certain circle of support.

The Hidden Ones are particularly intolerant of criticism and have been dubbed "vulnerable narcissists". They are characterized by pronounced envy of the successes of others and constant comparison with them.

The evil of hidden narcissists hides behind a mask external security. Those who fell for their bait do not immediately understand that they will not receive anything in return for their concern for the “victim”. Narcissists lack empathy. Therefore, the covert narcissist shamelessly exploits the person who believes in him, taking away his resources, time and emotions. He will call you day and night, demanding attention to himself. Borrows money and almost never pays it back. It is tightly sewn into the installation "The whole world owes me!". And God forbid you trust him and tell him something personal. The narcissist will set you up at the right time.

The worst is for daughters whose mother is a latent narcissist. This mom is almost impossible to please. She diligently destroys her daughter's privacy to ensure her loyalty.

Learning to protect yourself from the poison of daffodils

If your boss is a "grand" narcissist and you value your work, then you should not argue with him or contradict His Majesty. Especially in the presence of others. It is better to clearly express your opinion tete-a-tete, looking directly into his eyes. If you want to promote your idea, try to present it in such a way that this idea first occurred to the boss, and you are only voicing his opinion.

Don't trust any of your boss's promises and don't seek to get into his trusted "inner circle". No personal conversations with such a boss! He needs your problems only in order to put pressure on your weak points at the right time.

It is also best to stay away from the "hidden" narcissist, simply because he will suck you out. vital energy dry. But if this is not possible due to the fact that the narcissist is your close person, then you should start strengthening your personal boundaries. The covert narcissist reacts quite strongly to such attempts, but this is the only thing that will save you from his poison and you will save your mental health in the end.

It is important to understand in time that your loved one suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder, and look at him from this angle. This will greatly facilitate your fate. Narcissists do not go to psychologists, so this is “your cross”.

Sergei Bogolepov

We've all encountered a pronounced narcissist at some point. His egocentrism cannot be overlooked, it is so conspicuous. But there are also hidden daffodils that are not so easy to decipher. Despite external differences between "bright" and "hidden" narcissists, the damage done by both is pretty much the same. In fact, the only difference between them is the way they act, or rather the impact. Pronounced narcissists naively believe that no one will see through them - and act accordingly. Covert narcissists knowingly and skillfully put on a false mask. They better understand human psychology and use this knowledge to their advantage. So, 8 signs of narcissism that many people either (a) deliberately ignore, or (b) simply do not notice.

1. They care little for others.

Narcissists simplify or minimize the needs and demands of other people and do not bother to explain their behavior and attitudes. The typical narcissist will always take care of himself and no one else.

2. They don't know how to listen

When a narcissist isn't talking (which is rare), they probably aren't listening. Most likely, during the pause that has arisen, he is only waiting for him to start talking again, and most often about himself. These people do not want to listen, and in principle they do not know how.

3. They can't communicate

Narcissists are terrible communicators. They are too sensitive and even take hints of criticism as a personal insult. In fact, they have neither the need nor the desire to have a dialogue about anything that does not benefit them. Narcissists also have passive-aggressive behavior.

4. They show ostentation

Narcissists are masters at pulling other people's strings. They often show false humility and modesty in order to arouse sympathy and admiration. For what? The typical narcissist draws others into his sphere of influence, and then manipulates them with might and main.

5. They lack empathy

Narcissists never empathize with you. To them, you are just a means to an end. Of all external signs narcissistic lack of empathy is perhaps the most common. As soon as you notice this, immediately get rid of such a person, this will save your nerves and keep your peace of mind.

6. They love to push with their "intelligence"

It's funny to watch narcissists show off their mental faculties even if this is far from the truth. They love the feeling of superiority. In addition, narcissists are almost impossible to cooperate with, as they consider themselves to be uniquely better, smarter and quicker.

7. Narcissists have a feeling that everyone owes them.

If the narcissist really desires something, he will act like a two-year-old child demanding his favorite toy. The narcissist should have it only because he wants it - and this is the only criterion and motive. And the narcissist is always looking for an easy way out in any situation.

8. They are in an endless search for happiness.

Nothing and no one can make them happy. They are always and everything is not enough, including fame, money and power. By the way, any a common person will seek happiness, peace and harmony among people close and dear to him, the narcissist will never do this.

It should be remembered that narcissists are people with a real, evidence-based personality disorder. It begins in childhood, when the child is either given too much attention, or, on the contrary, it is severely ignored. It is also important to understand that we should not indulge or be manipulated by narcissistic behavior, as your emotional, mental, and physical health should come first.

If you've ever built a relationship with a person who flirted with others right in front of you, chatted with an attractive stranger and tried to show that you weren't high on his priority list, it most likely means that you were dating a narcissistic person. . And it is possible that he did all this on purpose.

New research shows that people who have many narcissistic traits strategically induce jealousy in their partners in pursuit of their own goals. In some cases, by such behavior they try to control the other person, or the partner's jealousy helps them increase their own self-esteem.

“Narcissists pursue their goals just like everyone else,” says study author Gregory Tortoriello, a psychologist at the University of Alabama. “Nevertheless, narcissists often overstep the bounds.”

Self-love and low self-esteem

Psychological research shows that narcissistic personalities fall into two categories. The first is grandiose narcissism, which is characterized by extraversion and high self-esteem. Such people are often overconfident.

The second category is vulnerable narcissism. Such a person also shows a desire to exploit his partner in order to get what he wants. But vulnerable daffodils have a "natural fragility," according to Tortoriello. They are insecure and have low self-esteem.

Early research

Tortoriello and his colleagues were intrigued by early research showing that narcissists often sabotage their romantic relationship behavior such as flirting. The researchers suggested that this behavior is impulsive and that narcissists cannot control themselves. But Tortoriello and his team noted that this is still not entirely true.

Student survey

The researchers asked 237 undergraduate students to complete questionnaires regarding personality traits, behaviors that provoke jealousy, and motivations for these behaviors. They found that the more narcissistic traits a person has, the more likely they are to try to make their romantic partner jealous.

Reasons to Play Jealousy

However, the reasons for these games vary depending on the type of narcissism. Grandiose narcissists reported that the motive for their behavior is the desire to gain power and control in relationships. Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, tried to arouse jealousy for several reasons. One of them was the control of relationships, and the other was testing them for strength. Such narcissists tried to secure their relationship by compensating for their low self-esteem and to get back at their partners for "bad" behavior.

"They, according to our study, cause jealousy in partners as a special means necessary to pursue other goals," Tortoriello said. "Narcissists do this on purpose."

Research Limits

Despite these results, it is worth considering that the study has limitations. The data was obtained directly from the participants themselves, and therefore scientists cannot prove a causal relationship. They can only determine the correlation between narcissistic traits and behavior that provokes jealousy. In addition, only students took part in the study, so you cannot expect the rest of the world's population to behave the same way. However, using student data for research has one advantage: they are more likely to have narcissistic traits than the general population.

The students in the study were not pathologically narcissistic and did not have narcissistic personality disorder, which is the most extreme variant of narcissism. But the results can be applied in clinical therapy for more severe cases. For example, the idea that narcissistic people pursue goals just like anyone else, even though they care less about who they might harm, suggests that perhaps there is a way to change those goals. In theory, narcissists may find other ways to achieve their goals that are similar, if not more inadequate, so perhaps softening their goals could be beneficial.

We've all met at least once with difficult to communicate narcissistic people, whose toxic self-centeredness is hard to miss.

It leaves a heavy residue in the soul.

But there is also hidden narcissism, which is not easy to decipher., so it is skillfully disguised under a completely different behavior. These people are just as self-obsessed as those who don't hide it, and just as toxic and destructive in relationships.

Narcissistic personality disorder comes from childhood and is difficult to correct. The narcissist is constantly looking for those who will give him attention, the lack of which he is never able to satiate, while always remaining "alone with his reflection." Broken relationships, loneliness, disappointment - this is the result that these people come to.

It is customary to think that narcissism manifests itself in complacency, narcissism and narcissism. However, he also has a downside - constant dissatisfaction with himself, dislike for himself in any manifestation and contempt for himself. You can call this process "idealization - devaluation", and it manifests itself both in relation to oneself and to others.

Much of their behavior captivates others, and thus people fall into the trap of a narcissist in order to further give him attention, which he will never get enough.

Be careful, because there is a little daffodil hidden in each of us,
and if we fall for the ruse, we will feed our own dragon.

How to detect it?
Narcissists will exhibit these 5 signs of hidden narcissism.

1. False Humility.

In fact, it is pride, which often manifests itself in a self-deprecating manner. For example, this type of behavior is often found in families and organizations with a rigid hierarchical structure. Narcissists do not skimp on praise, flattery and deliberate gratitude and look quite convincing at the same time.

If you are praised, and at the same time you are clearly aware that the size of your merits to this person is greatly exaggerated, be careful - after a while, angry resentment or baseless accusations against you will surely follow. As soon as you want to regain the respect and trust of this “kind” person, you should know that you are trapped.

Narcissists love to play the victim and show off their dependency. They are ready to make you the center of their universe, they call you best friend and proud good relations with you. They do this only because they themselves are waiting for attention and approval, but they do not know how to receive it from outside and are not able to approve and respect themselves. So they only care about their status, not really knowing what modesty and respect are.

Their goal is to become so important and significant for you to achieve high positions and recognition in society. While they dress up in humility and interest in you, it can be very pleasant with them, but as soon as they reveal their essence or get what they want, it immediately becomes noticeable that this does not at all look like a truly modest character of a balanced person who knows gratitude. The answer will be ignoring to the complete refusal of communication without explanation.

2. Lack of empathy.

Narcissists are incapable of empathy, healthy affection, and genuine concern for the other. They will ignore any of your requests, not even trying to listen to you to the end. They are ready to give you gifts when they want to "seduce" and get your attention, but they are not able to recognize your needs.

Listening to their monologue, it may seem to you that this person is blinded by his own suffering and now he has no time for others. Remember - this is their essence. They always follow their agenda in any circumstance, simply because they are selfish.

They do not want to learn mutual understanding, remaining lonely and withdrawn. They will ignore you when you need them, but will use any means to get adoration from you when they feel bad.

3. Vulnerability and resentment.

Narcissists are very sensitive and take great offense at simple criticism. They tend to exaggerate imaginary or real signs of disapproval and inattention more than they deserve. If in the corridor of a noisy office you in a hurry forgot to say hello to such a Narcissus, he can remember this for a very long time and consider it a sign of contempt and disrespect for him, put you on the “black list” and, pursing his lips, “suffer in silence” from such a dismissive attitude . You did not even suspect how you became a villain in his eyes.

They are not capable of dialogue and at the same time like to shift all the blame on others for their reactions. The usual answer of Narcissus in the family is - I don’t want to sort things out with you, you offended me in the best of feelings. A tense silence in response to your question is also a common reaction of such people.

They try to suppress and hide their reactions by pretending they don't care about your behavior, but they non-verbal language the body shows intense anger, although they are not ready to admit it. They can become passive-aggressive in their reactions and, holding a grudge, try not to show it in any way, instead of negotiating and clarifying issues of mutual understanding.

4. Inattention to the needs of other people.

Narcissists minimize their understanding of the needs of those around them. They are not interested in the details of a particular situation, because they do not consider this issue worthy of their time. They like to label people and find rudeness, bad manners, betrayal, stupidity, laziness, and so on in them, but they do not take responsibility for their own actions.

Often a hidden Narcissus in a couple complains that he is forced to endure a lack of attention from the other, complains about the lack of affection and intimacy, seeing callousness and inhumanity in his "half". When I try to clarify what this means, I hear the answer: "she only wants my money" or "he only wants sex." And when asked how they found out about it, they always answer: “So it's obvious! Someone like him/her needs only one thing!”.

Tendency to mix difficult problems to an elementary interpretation helps them dismiss joint problem solving as something stupid or useless. They don't want to deal with facts or logic. The only thing that matters to them is their own bounding box of what might be important, so that they don't invest their time and energy in anything contrary to their personal plans.

5. They don't know how to listen.

Daffodils, as they say, "shoot from the hip", giving quick tips rather than asking questions during the conversation. They don't want to waste energy on relationships, they don't care what you tell them, because they want to follow what feels right to them, no matter what you have in common. They just don't care to listen carefully to you.

There is such an anecdote.
A man drives up in a car to a turn in the road, and from there a woman drives out towards him and shouts out of the window of her car: “Caution! Goat!". The man shouts indignantly in response, “You fool!”, Presses on the gas, turns around the corner and immediately his car crashes into a goat standing in the middle of the road.

Of course, not all quiet and shy people are covert Narcissists. But it is better to always remember these signs, as a hidden Narcissus lives in each of us.

Healthy narcissism helps to achieve a lot in life, and toxic destroys our lives and the lives of loved ones. Secret narcissists are not as harmless as they seem at first, and can cause a lot of trouble.

You have just met a person and after a few seconds of communication you feel that something is wrong with you. Before this meeting, everything was fine, but now you are tormented by doubts about appearance, career success and the like.

Imagine that this person is the mother of one of your child's friends. She not only looks great. She only had time to introduce herself, but in her tone one can undoubtedly guess the importance of her work, the ideal situation in the family and the fact that she always does the right thing.

In such a situation, it is very easy to fall into the purgatory of introspection. casual conversation or a business meeting- those who are eager to tell everyone about their own importance can make other people feel insignificant.

Wouldn't it be nice to avoid such encounters and live your life without any doubts? Armed with a small set of analytical techniques, you can not only feel better, but also find weakness in the armor of these almost perfect people.

The psychological basis of this process was explored by the Viennese psychoanalyst Alfred Adler, who coined the term "inferiority complex".

Inferiority complex and superiority complex

According to Adler, people who feel inferior to others resort to overcompensating every day through "achieving superiority." These internally insecure people can feel happy only by asserting their own significance. According to Adler, this is the essence of neurosis.

Today we know that the desire to achieve superiority is a manifestation of narcissistic personality disorder - a deviation that causes a person to constantly boost self-esteem. Narcissists are divided into grandiose (everyone owes them something) and vulnerable (those who, despite the ostentatious bravado, feel weak and helpless). Some scientists are of the opinion that the basis of both types of narcissism is low self-esteem, and grandiose narcissists are simply better at disguise. In any case, if you are dealing with a person who is trying to belittle you, then it is likely that he is narcissistic.

normal narcissism

Narcissism does not necessarily develop to the level of pathology, it may be present in a greater or lesser degree. lesser degree. Some personality researchers instead of grandiose and vulnerable types distinguish "covert" and "overt" narcissism. In 2015, psychologist James Brooks from the University of Derby (UK) decided to find out how such people feel in terms of self-esteem and self-efficacy (self-confidence).

Using a group of students as an example, Brooks analyzed the impact of overt and covert narcissism on self-esteem and self-efficacy. The two types of narcissism turned out to be completely unrelated to each other, which confirmed the legitimacy of such a division. People with pronounced narcissism had higher self-esteem: the need for "uniqueness" played essential role in the lives of these self-exalting people. Covert narcissists had lower self-esteem.

When it comes to self-efficacy, overt narcissists are also ahead of their insecure and oversensitive counterparts. The need to command other people seems to have given overt narcissists a sense of omnipotence.

How to psychologically interpret the actions of your familiar narcissists: friends, colleagues, partners -.