What to do if a child refuses to go to school. What to do if your child doesn’t want to go to school

Question: The child does not want to study, is afraid and does not want to go to school. What should parents do?

Let's try to find answers to these questions together.

From the first days of school, a child is presented with a number of tasks that require the mobilization of his intellectual and physical strength. This state can be called a state of internal tension, doubt, and lack of self-confidence.

Such psychological stress, if long enough, can lead to disappointing results: the child becomes inattentive, undisciplined, absent-minded, indifferent to completing educational tasks, gets tired quickly, lags behind in his studies, and simply does not want to go to school. Can parents somehow help him avoid this, overcome the difficult path “preschooler - schoolchild” without much shock and unnecessary psychological trauma?

Today it is widely believed that the problem of modern children is the lack of a fundamental vector, a goal in life, the desire to get everything at once. But is it? Maybe it’s not that they know little about what it should be like “ real man", do not participate in public life Do you spend most of your free time at the computer or watching TV?

Over the past 20 years, our country has undergone such profound and serious changes that this could not but affect the school. More recently, reforms have come to schools. The family has become the main thing in raising children; responsibility for the child’s behavior and attitude towards the educational process now falls entirely on the shoulders of the parents, and this is completely natural - the teacher’s task is to provide the necessary amount of information, and our, parental task is to help our children absorb new knowledge. School has ceased to be the main link in the process of raising a child, and this must be taken for granted. We were left alone with the problems of our children. So let's learn to understand them without relying on outside help. Raising our children is solely our personal responsibility.

Why don't children want to study?

The first of September for a preschooler crossing the threshold of school is not only a new backpack, a large beautiful bouquet of flowers and new friends, it is also a rather serious test offered to him by life.

The physical and psychological stress that falls on a first-grader is almost heavier than those experienced by eleventh-grade graduates. Often, even well-prepared children who attended kindergarten and already having basic communication skills, difficulties arise.

The first year of school is an extremely difficult, turning point period in a child’s life. Its place in the system changes public relations, the whole way of his life changes, the psycho-emotional load increases. Active kindergarten games are being replaced by daily educational activities. Moreover, the classes are not very clear.

One first-grader proudly talked about how she goes to school to become a good student. She listens to the teacher very carefully, does not talk to her neighbor at her desk, learns her letters, but she liked it more in kindergarten, because it was more interesting there, and the teachers also loved her and allowed her to run around.

It is very difficult for a first-grader to understand why he came to school; he needs not only to transform from an obedient child into a good student, but also to realize that the main thing is not the ability to “not make noise” or “not to fight,” but to gain knowledge. There is a certain substitution of the concepts of “learning” and “behaving well.” At first glance, there is nothing wrong with this - the student listens attentively, is not distracted during lessons, and accordingly, knowledge will come. But that's not true. The child experiences emotional discomfort due to the uncertainty of ideas about the teacher’s requirements; the task of teaching itself is not clear to him. He reads, solves examples, writes accurately, not at all because it is necessary for his own development, he will simply be praised for it. What if he doesn’t want to be praised, if he wants to play with his favorite doll or roll cars? Then the protest begins. Usually it is expressed in reluctance to go to school, nitpicking about clothes, and tears for no reason. Children cannot always explain their experiences, which is why they throw meaningless tantrums about the dress they won’t wear to school, the fact that they were woken up early, and the porridge for breakfast tastes bad.

One of the students responded to the teacher’s question: “Natasha, why are you so sad today? Did someone offend you?”, she invariably answered: “My mother forbids me to wear sneakers to school.” One day, the teacher, having met with her mother, made a joint decision to allow the girl to come to class in sneakers (although, of course, a beautiful dark blue dress looks better with shoes). But, having received permission to wear sneakers, Natasha said the very next day that she always wanted to go to school only in boots.

And these are not whims at all. This is a protest expressed in a way that a child can understand. In such a situation, before forbidding a child to wear sneakers, I would advise parents to carefully ask him about what he does at school and how his classmates treat him. It’s most convenient to do this in a seemingly random conversation, and under no circumstances ask “head-on”: “What did you do at school? Don’t the guys offend you?”

Even if they offend, few people admit it - this is not a kindergarten, “schoolchildren do not slander their parents.” It is easier for your child to remain silent than to expose himself as a sneak or a loser. Therefore, it is best to start such conversations from afar, accidentally remembering one of your classmates or an event in which the class took part. Never rush, have patience and you may learn more than you intended. Hurry up - the child will close himself and next time he will be more careful when entering into dialogue.

So, we found out that from the first days of school, the child faces a number of tasks that require the mobilization of his intellectual and physical strength. How can we help him realize the need for “work for one’s own sake”? Of course, you can talk to him about the future, talk about those who studied poorly and did not go to college. This is very helpful information, especially for a first-grader, for whom “institute” and “space” are equally far away, and maybe space will even be closer. Any talk about a happy future at this age is pointless! Children live in the present. Naturally, they dream, but, I assure you, it is not at all about how they will become doctors or famous mathematicians, for them future career- This is a means of acquiring a new toy or the opportunity to go to the park for rides. And how then can you explain to a little person the importance of attending school, convince him of the need for a complete and final break with “kindergarten” ideas about classes?

Please do not forget that, despite new status, your child is still small, you should not tell him about his future going to college or how he will become a “janitor”. Try to get by simple examples and motives: “It’s so good to know a lot! How can we go on vacation to Egypt in the summer when you haven’t learned to write the name of this country beautifully?” etc. The new social situation of development requires a special activity from the child—learning.

When a child comes to school, there is no educational activity as such yet, no one is engaged in solving complex mathematical problems, the lessons are more educational in nature than scientific, many of them are structured in the form didactic games. Therefore, we can talk about educational activities as a way of developing the ability and desire to learn. This is a special specific task for the junior school age. Unfortunately, the child cannot understand this specificity; the activities offered to him at school do not in any way correspond to his personal desires; he needs specifics that he can evaluate himself and tell his parents about. In kindergarten they explained to him quite clearly: if you behave well - well done, if you cleaned the bed after a nap - well done! Didn't run away during the walk - really good job! There is no such thing at school, especially in the first grade, when they don’t give grades, and you endlessly write out some sticks in a notebook, or draw Christmas trees in mathematics, or listen to a book that the teacher is reading. How can he, poor man, know whether he’s doing well or not! And then he goes to the teacher. And everything would be fine if he were the only one studying in the class, otherwise, besides him, there are 29 more people waiting for an assessment of their own work.

One second grader answered the question: “How are things at school?” answered: “I don’t know.” And he did not deceive, he sincerely did not know how he was doing: it seems that he is not scolded, it seems that he is not praised, and if he is praised, it is for activities that are absolutely incomprehensible to him. And any incomprehensible activity leads to “brain lull.”

A special feature of studying at school is receiving scientific knowledge. Only in school, where the main part of the activity is the acquisition of scientific knowledge, are special conditions created for exclusively intellectual activity.

In the family, in the yard during a walk, in a game small man acquires everyday concepts, but within the walls of the school his task is to master theoretical and practical first scientific knowledge and skills. Throughout all the years of schooling, the child is taught to learn, but in primary school, when this type of educational activity takes shape and is formed, this task is the leading one.

But how can you explain to a child that “drawing carrots” is the path to future science? Many parents believe that nothing special needs to be explained to children: “He must do his homework! He must!”, there is another wonderful argument: “This is now your job, you must study! And if you get bad grades, I’ll never buy you anything again.” What if the child begins to study poorly, and not at all because he doesn’t want to, but because he can’t, is not able to comprehend the material at a given pace, or has missed something somewhere and can’t catch up on his own? This also happens often. It is very important not to miss the moment when the child ceases to understand educational material when completing what you think is a completely elementary task turns into a problem for him. It doesn't have to happen in the first days of school or even in the first year, but one day you will encounter it one way or another. How to behave with a child in such a situation?

Psychologists and teachers answer the most actual question parents before the start of the school year.

“Mom, I don’t feel like going to school, but can I not go?” - this question, especially on the eve of September 1, sounds ominous. The child rested all summer, gained strength and emotions. It seems to us that he must have missed his classmates and teachers - and here is the question.

“Letidor” turned to experts for help and asked if it is normal if a child is not eager to return to school after the holidays.

Commented by Ekaterina Bredikhina, project director of the creative and production department of “Gang of Smart Guys”

It's completely normal to refuse to go to school. Would you like to exchange the opportunity to walk from morning to evening, play with other children, go to the sea or visit grandma for the need to get up early every day and go to school? Many adults remember September 1 with a shudder, let alone children.

To reduce the stress of a “change of scenery,” I would recommend the following:

Do not overwhelm your child with classes from the first day of school. Leave the mugs for mid-September, don't start everything at once!

Walk together after school or after you return from work, as long as the weather permits.

Don’t talk about the new school year with a negative connotation: “It’s about to start, we’ll have to pull ourselves together!”

Give the class a small celebration of the beginning of the year.

But only for children, not for parents - with games, quests and treasure, and not sitting at the table and talking.

Discuss the upcoming school year with your child: how soon the holidays will begin, what interesting trips and excursions there will be.

If a child finds the approaching September 1st too difficult, perhaps the school has serious problems(for example, conflict with classmates or with a teacher). We definitely need to figure this out together.

As a last resort, any student has the right to study one or more subjects selectively at home. Perhaps you should think about changing schools altogether.

Commented by Natalia Minaeva, lecturer at the Institute of Industry Management (IOM) of RANEPA

Many parents may not like my answer, but a child’s refusal to go to school is normal. Parents often don't take into account physiological characteristics child development, do not know how it functions nervous system, the brain is formed, and they demand from it the impossible - adult responsibility and commitment. But by the age of seven, a child is often neither physiologically nor psychologically ready for school.

His leading activity remains gaming, and to convince him of the need to study school curriculum It's hard enough.

All that remains is to properly motivate the preschooler, and this is not easy to do - after all, it requires a lot of patience from the parents and the child’s close circle.

First of all, it is worth showing attention to the child, remembering that, despite the fact that this is your child, he has his own characteristics of temperament and character, he has already formed an opinion on many issues. You should not lecture your child, remember your experience, manipulate the child’s feelings, much less threaten him with punishment or deprivation of any benefits (sweets, cartoons, etc.).

It is best to interest the child, taking into account his needs. Every parent knows what can captivate a child, what is of greatest interest to him - these are the things that should be the basis for motivating a child to study at school. The child must understand that at school he will learn exactly what interests him, learn what he has long dreamed of, and make new friends.

Motivation should be positive, not negative - then the child will go to school with pleasure, and parents will be calmer.

Commented by Ekaterina Safonova, psychologist of the project of the Foundation for Support of Children in Difficult Life Situations “I am a Parent”

Indeed, parents often face a situation where a child flatly refuses to go to school. There can be many reasons for this behavior, and they all depend on the age of the child.

If a first-grader (6-7 years old) does not want to go to school, it means that he was not ready for this and adaptation is extremely painful. After all educational activities has not yet become a leader, it is still a role-playing game, as in 3-6 years old.

The best way to check if your baby is ready for school is to ask him the question “do you want to go to school?” and receive a loud answer “Yes!”

If a child does not want to go to school, it means that his psyche is not yet ready for such an activity. The best way out of the situation would be not to send your child to school this year and wait until next year, but if the situation does not allow this, you need to visit a psychologist and follow his recommendations.

If a child of primary school age (7-10 years old) does not want to go to school, then you should sound the alarm. The leading activity at this age is study, which means it should bring him maximum pleasure. If this does not happen, it means that something is bothering the child. These could be conflicts with classmates, teachers, too much workload (both at school and in extracurricular activities) and a host of other reasons that need to be identified, and based on them, look for a way out of the current situation.

Teenagers (11-16 years old) are more likely than other children to refuse to go to school.

With the crisis of adolescence, educational activity ceases to be the leading one; it is replaced by intimate and personal communication with peers. All a teenager wants is to explore the world of feelings and emotions, he experiments, communicates with peers, falls in love, conflicts with himself and the world. Studying does not fit into his field of interests at all, and this is normal, but usually the main motivation for attending school for a teenager is communication with classmates. If there is bullying at school, the teenager does not develop relationships with peers or teachers, then the desire to attend school disappears. Bullying is a serious problem in modern schools, and if bullying is the reason for refusal to attend classes, then urgent action must be taken.

It seems that many parents have encountered a problem when a child flatly refuses to go to school. Reasons why children refuse to attend educational institution, are different, and therefore the solutions to the current situation are also different.

If the child entered first grade or moved to new school, most likely, his reluctance to attend classes is due to period of adaptation, which lasts differently for each child. Some quickly get used to everything new, actively get to know each other and show themselves, while others, on the contrary, are shy, uncommunicative and rarely make contact first - it can be more difficult for such children to get used to a new class, and they need more time.

According to experts, the adaptation period lasts 2-3 months. If it drags on for a long time, you should try to talk with the child, find out how things are going at school, without being satisfied with the answer “Good” or “Normal”. Questions must be posed in such a way that the son or daughter cannot answer them in monosyllables.

Perhaps the student has a problem conflict with teacher or classmates, which should be resolved in a timely manner, without leading to hysterics and psychological trauma in the child. The first thing you should do is talk to class teacher. If the problem cannot be solved, there is no need to persuade the child to wait and convince him that everything will work out sooner or later. It is better to take him out of school or transfer him to another class. This is quite possible and not scary. The main thing is that the child feels that he is under reliable protection.

One more common cause the reluctance of a son or daughter to go to school is failure in one or more subjects. Unable to master the material on their own due to lack of self-confidence or other reasons, the student abandons his textbooks. It is quite logical that the child does not want to go with unlearned lessons, and he decides to delay the unpleasant moment of being called to the board.

What is the reason for such fear? The reluctance to seem stupid and funny, or the pursuit of good grades, which are required in order to receive praise from parents?

If this is indeed the case, parents should consider: Are they setting too high demands on their child? After all, a child is a person who, like any adult, has his own characteristics, interests, and his own view of the world. A child should study because he is interested, and not because his parents want it.

This problem can also be solved through talk. It is worth talking with the teacher to understand the essence of the problem that has arisen and find adequate ways to solve it, and with the child himself to understand what he wants.

Besides, parents should ensure that the child learns homework every evening, without delaying it until the night. Now is the time to remember again that all children are different. It must be taken into account that even if there are older children in the family who learned their lessons independently and always successfully, this does not mean at all that youngest child will also be able to perform independently homework in the same capacity. It is important to convince the child that he is talented, smart and can master the subject. You should also remember that the main thing is not the assessment, but the knowledge gained.

Another reason that is often found among elementary school students is child's disappointment in school as such. Children who have attended some kind of clubs or classes up to this point rarely experience disappointment, because they are already ready to work. Difficulties arise with children who only attended kindergarten. It is especially important for such children to tell the whole truth about school, without trying to lure the child vivid descriptions. You can tell your preschooler that he will have to try himself in different fields and find new friends, which is always attractive. In addition, the child must be prepared for the fact that in order to make the lessons interesting, they need to work, something that elementary school students are not yet ready for.

It is also important to remember that a child’s reluctance to go to school may also be associated with banal fatigue due to heavy workload at school, clubs and sections. Correcting the situation is quite simple: parents should personally adjust the child’s schedule and daily routine so that the student has enough time to rest and go for walks.

About half of Russian students do not want to go to school because they dislike the teacher, said Alexander Kuznetsov, president of the Association of Child Psychologists and Psychiatrists of Russia. Did you adults like going to school?

Child doesn't want to go to school - problem teacher?

Let's look at the fundamentally incorrect, in my opinion, opinion of the director of Physics and Mathematics Lyceum N 239 in St. Petersburg, winner of the All-Russian competition "School Director-2012" Maxim Pratusevich. He agrees that the curriculum for modern schoolchildren is not easy. At the same time, he believes laziness main reason reluctance to study at school.

“There is little time and you need to work, and working today is not very common. Children are not accustomed to work. They say you have to have fun studying in order to study well, but this is not true. Studying is hard work. We are We study for life, but in life we ​​have to work hard, be able to do it,” Pratusevich said.

Why do I think this opinion is wrong? The trouble for schoolchildren is these teachers and directors, who seem to be stuck in the Soviet Union. One comb for all, one shovel for all, and get to work! Criminals must work hard, but children are flowers!

Let's not forget that studying and working are, above all, fun! And if for you work or study is hard work and not at all a joy, then why? Teachers, start with yourself! Expand your horizons! Our children do not need to be “trained.” They are not dogs!

Children have a natural need to learn, they just need to be interested, you need to move away from the patterns of “desks in a row and the teacher is only at the blackboard, he has power, he gives out grades.” The teacher should become a friend to all the children! Remember Tsiolkovsky!

But according to Kuznetsov, if parents want, so that the child does not have problems studying at school, they must preserve the main thing - the child’s motivation to learn. “And not due to the fact that studying is work, this is great stupidity, but on the contrary, explaining that studying is always interesting. We need to look for ways not to kill a child’s natural curiosity for knowledge,”- he remarked.

The whole world in the field of education is following the path of individual physical and mental abilities child, which are given to him by nature. Well, I can’t, for example, force a child to somersault over his head at 8 years old; his gross motor skills are partially impaired. But he is excellent at assembling construction sets from small parts.

Thank you for existing today international schools, Waldorf schools, family education. Parents have little choice, although they often have to pay for it with money or their time.

What if the child does not want to go to school?

A situation where a child declares an unwillingness to go to school is not uncommon. And it is very important to understand the reasons for this situation and how much of a problem it is. There’s definitely no need to panic at the first child’s “I don’t want to.” Perhaps this is a sign of fatigue. Agree, the daily routine with a rather busy schedule of studies and homework, combined with the heavy load of the program, can tire even a child who has a positive attitude towards learning. Remember your reluctance to go to work and your dreams of vacation. If the child’s protest is of this nature, then this is not a problem. Just try to choose a day for unloading, when all the lessons and serious tasks will be put aside - a little laziness or family relaxation in nature won’t hurt.

A completely different approach is required when you see reluctance to go to school is caused by the child’s depressed mood, if just talking about school, teachers, studies and classmates makes him tense, fall into irritability or aggression, or vice versa into apathy. In this case, we can talk about the existence of a problem. And the sooner you find out the reasons and start eliminating them, the better.

The child does not want to go to school - the most common reasons

1. Conflict situations with classmates or older students at school.
Unfortunately, children's groups tend to be harsh. They cannot yet comprehensively assess the situation and the consequences of their actions; it seems to them that their opinion and the perception of others is the only correct one, and, therefore, their actions are completely justified. In fact, very often a thin line of what is permitted is formed and the formation of one’s own personality begins to be achieved through humiliation and restriction of the freedoms of another person. If your child is in a conflict situation with peers, you need to find out as soon as possible.

2. Conflict with the teacher. It is not surprising, but this problem is relevant not only for the average and high school, but also elementary school students. It’s just that in different age categories these conflicts have a different nature. If we are talking about high school students, then the conflict is often based on the principle of domestic educational system when teachers expect only obedience from students and do not even allow the very idea that students can challenge any theses, express their opinions and look for new hypotheses, solutions and evidence. As a result, conflict arises. In the first grade, the cause may be dissonance between the temperaments of the child and the teacher. It is no coincidence that psychologists recommend choosing for a first-grader not a school based on prestige and eliteness, but choosing a first teacher. Harmony in the relationship between student and teacher in elementary school largely determines his further desire to study and everything new. To obtain a more specialized education, transferring a student to other classes or schools is recommended in grades 8-9.

3. Lack of interest in the learning process itself. Please note that the roots of this reason can be different:

• a child falling behind in one or more subjects - he begins to feel discomfort, awkwardness and uncertainty, the advantages of other students make him withdraw and the reluctance to go to school becomes a kind of defensive reaction;
• the opposite situation - the child’s lively mind and curiosity are ahead of the school curriculum, and teachers do not always show interest in such children and do not try to make their lessons more interesting by additional material; As a result, the child is frankly bored and sees no point in attending school regularly;
• An unbearable burden on the child’s intellectual capabilities - parents who send their children to special schools with various specializations especially often face this problem; it is very important not to overestimate the child’s abilities, otherwise studying turns into hard labor.

4. Family problems - inattention and lack of outside control adults, critical situations such as divorce, illness or death of loved ones. All these are stressful situations that lie ordeal on the psyche of children and can find a variety of expressions, including refusal to attend school.

What to do if your child doesn’t want to go to school

Let's look at possible solutions for each of the reasons listed above:

1. Allow your child not to go to school! If the child is confident in you and you represent the interests of your child, then he will not have the need to call in illness to justify absence from school. If he is sad, sick, expresses true denial, no need pressure“How will you miss school?! You will fall behind your peers! How will you catch up?” Go with him unscheduled to a museum or a mini-trip. Some schools have already introduced holidays every 5th week. Take note. Be his friend, try to figure out the reason for his refusal to attend school. In difficult cases, do not hesitate to contact a psychologist.

2. If there is a conflict with peers, it is very important to collect information about it from different sources. Children tend to exaggerate or understate, especially if it is their fault. So talk to the teacher, other parents and children. You have to balance very delicately - on the one hand, you must make your child feel full support and protection, but on the other hand, you have to get to the root of the conflict and find the truth, and only after that begin to reconcile the parties. In some cases, the only solution is to change schools.

3. The conflict between a child and a teacher is a difficult topic, since you are faced with a situation where already one adult with a pedagogical education is powerless to resolve it. Your actions are a frank conversation with both the child and the teacher. If found mutual language If it doesn't work, perhaps the best solution is to change classes or schools.

4. Having decided on the reason for the lack of interest in studying, you have to make active efforts to correct the situation:

• improve the subjects in which you are lagging behind - study with your child yourself or hire a tutor;
• diversify your child’s leisure time - sections, clubs, additional classes in your favorite subjects will help;
• learn to love your child for who he is and not demand excessive efforts from him - the fear of disappointing parents is a huge depressing factor; Consider transferring to a school with a standard curriculum.

5. We are unable to prevent many situations in life, but the task of parents and loved ones is to make them minimally traumatic for the child. There is no need to train your child from school. All children are different, maybe the trend of “homeschooling”, so widespread in the world, is right for you, in other words - home (family) education? After all, it’s not the same school? A child has a natural need to learn. Is it worth destroying her because he hates her? this moment school?

In the end, you can talk to your doctor and get a certificate about a gentle regime, and calmly study at home one day a week. And less stress for the child - and peace of mind for you!

But the most important rule that parents should remember is to never tell a child that he is stupid, and don’t get annoyed if he doesn’t understand something. If you are irritated, it means you are setting too high goals. Go down below. And be sure to encourage your child’s independence!