So all the same - on "You" or on "You"?

Basics of etiquette

Very often one has to deal with a situation where some older people believe that they can afford to address all the younger ones with “you”. Without taking into account many, many other factors. Not only that, there has been a growing belief in recent times (and it has been emphasized several times in discussions on Professionals) in the fact that “you” is a relic of the century before last, archaism, anachronism and evidence of “ceremonial worship and hierarchy.

Without going deep into thought about hierarchy any society, let's try to look at the problem. In Russian colloquial and written speech until the 18th century, it was traditional to turn to "you", which was used without distinction of ages, classes and relations between people. After the reforms of Peter I, the German “You” migrated to the Russian language, which was met very, very disapprovingly. But over time, “you” as a form of address took root in us, like many other things that came from the West, and became part of our culture. “The appeal to “you” brings together, erases the boundaries in communication between people,” some opponents of the appeal to “You” note. However, the boundaries between people have always been and will be. Personally, it is very difficult for me to imagine a person who equally freely lets everyone they meet into his house. So is it really easier to let anyone and everyone into your life? The issue of separating “you” and “you” on the Internet remains controversial. So, many believe that the Internet equalizes everyone: everyone is one social stratum and class. Perhaps there is some logic in this. But personally, it is very difficult for me to address a stranger with “you” even in the virtual world. An interesting solution was found on some forums, when during registration it is necessary to indicate the preferred form of address. Oh really greatly simplifies communication.

So, according to the rules of modern business etiquette"You" is mandatory in the following cases:
1. Regardless of age and social origin - in an official environment and when referring to an unfamiliar or unfamiliar person. At the same time, the appeal to “You” to a person who has reached the age of 25 is supplemented with a name and patronymic; To same, who are from 15 to 25 - most often only full form name.
2. When communicating with a person met for the first time.
3. In communication between colleagues, in the presence of unauthorized persons.
4. During business communication in the absence of informal relations between people.
5. To colleagues during a conference, symposium, etc., regardless of the forms of communication with them in an informal setting.
6. When a doctor communicates with a patient, regardless from circumstances.
7. Journalists during interviews even with well-known people.
8. When addressing high school and middle school students, which emphasizes respect and marks the maturity of the individual.
9. In relation to older people - along with the name and patronymic.
10. In an official setting, even in relation to a well-known person.

"You" is acceptable:
1. In the family, which is evidence of close relationships. Although today, in some places, the tradition of addressing parents to “you” is preserved.
2. In an informal setting when referring to a good friend, colleague, friend, children.
3. At school when referring to a child under 9 years old.
There are no strict rules governing the transition from “you” to “you”, but the practice of communication has developed certain guidelines.
So: You can not make a one-sided decision to switch to "you", especially regarding a dependent person (for example, a subordinate), as this can be perceived as familiarity. The elder may offer the younger to switch to “you”, but this in no way obliges the younger to agree to such a transition, regardless of the age difference.
The transition to "you" with a person with whom there is a big difference in age and social status is unacceptable.
In a relationship between a man and a woman, the proposal to switch to "you" should come exclusively from the woman. This rule is not strictly enforced business relations.
Be that as it may, everyone makes a choice for himself, orients himself in communication on his own, especially since life situations are very diverse, and the rules of etiquette do not give answers to all questions.
And at the same time, it should be remembered that etiquette as an element of external culture helps to solve many problems in everyday situations, often even to stop them. before occurrence.

E. Kirsanova

Etiquette (French etiquette - label, label) - a set of rules of conduct relating to the external manifestation of attitude towards people (treatment with others, forms of address and greetings, behavior in in public places, manners and dress). As can be seen, this definition refers to external relation to people. However outward manifestation, as a rule, reflects the inner essence of the relationship. Of course, ideally, these relations should be mutually benevolent. As you can see, different functional varieties of the Russian language relate to personal pronouns in different ways. An accurate understanding of where it is allowed and where it is not allowed, it is inappropriate to “yak”, “poke”, “poke out”, how, in what forms to talk about a third person present and address the interlocutor, is associated with knowledge of etiquette rules, moustache-military since childhood. We seem to understand all this well. And yet there are many violations in speech! In the book of the American linguist Mario Pei "A Tale of Language" there is something about the question that interests us, in relation to the languages ​​of the world. Yu. Frolov translated this information for the journal "Science and Life". Let's quote: "In different languages there are many options for polite treatment, sometimes very strange, in our opinion. So, in Italy, the polite address was "your grace", "your honor", "your dominion" - all these nouns and in Italian female. After some time, for brevity, they simply began to say “she”, and now this “She”, highlighted in the letter capital letter, usually replaces "you" when referring to one person - both to a woman and to a man. In real live communication, all signs interact, are intricately intertwined with each other, and each time something particularly important, of paramount importance is revealed: the nature of mutual relations, the formality of the situation, the degree of acquaintance, equality or inequality of the interlocutors. The skillful use of such a wealth of the native language presupposes both a good knowledge of the laws of the language and knowledge of the rules of communication associated with the general culture and culture of behavior.

> "You" and "You" in communication

"You" and "You" - pronouns are used "instead of a name." The "life" of pronouns is very interesting in itself. Moreover, personal pronouns are directly related to speech etiquette. They are connected with the naming and self-naming of the interlocutor, with the feeling of what is “decent” and “indecent” in such a name. Of course, you paid attention to the amendments: “I’m not you”, “You tell me”, “Don’t poke, please”! This is the dissatisfaction of the addressee with the “disrespectful” pronoun directed towards him. In Polish, an appeal is used, so to speak, “on him”, familiar to everyone from the television tavern “Thirteen Chairs”: “Pan director will allow him to offer him a cup of coffee?”, “What would you like for the sir?” The translation of a personal pronoun from the first person into the third person or its complete replacement with the appeal “pan, pani” allows, as it were, not to affect the personality of the interlocutor.

But it turns out that even more refined politeness is possible: the Japanese generally discard direct address, replacing it with an impersonal construction. Here's what it looks like in practice: the question "Where are you going?" sounds in Japanese "Where is there going?" The personal pronouns "I", "you", "he", "they" are in Japanese, but they are mainly used by foreigners who have not yet mastered the language.

As is known, in English language now there is practically no appeal to "you", there is no this pronoun itself. It began to fall into disuse in the 16th century and was completely replaced by the polite "you" in the early 18th century. In English-speaking countries, a person refers to “you” even to his own dog” (Science and Life, 1979, No. 1, p. 72).

We will only clarify the information provided by Yu. Frolov about Polish communication. The fact is that Polish language knows pronouns and You, And You. However, polite You outdated, archaic, and now it is used to a limited extent: sometimes by old people in the village, sometimes in some families by children in relation to their parents, and even in conditions of purely official business communication. The usual everyday polite treatment of the interlocutor really goes through “pan”, “pani”. At the same time, as it was possible to notice in the same tavern “Thirteen Chairs”, this “pan”, “pani” is combined in a peculiar way: with the surname, and with the name, including the abbreviated one, and with the name of the position, profession, occupation : sir Votruba, sir Monika, sir Yurek, sir director, sir sportsman ... Our appeal Comrade much less common and limited in combinations. With surname and with the name of the profession, position: comrade Fedorov, comrade policeman. And accordingly, our appeal sounds very official - unacceptable for the relaxed atmosphere of a tavern. Under such conditions, Russians would use first names, first names, patronymics.

As for the emergence of the polite "You", Marco Pei, in the arrangement of Yu. Frolov, cites two theories. According to one, at the end of the Roman Empire, when there were two emperors - in Rome and in Constantinople - the subjects, referring to one of them, called him "you", thereby showing that they were also addressing the other. According to another theory, "you" correlate with "we", which was used by politicians, writers (for example, Cicero) instead of "I". This trend is preserved to this day, as already mentioned, in a scientific style (for example, in the procedure for defending a dissertation).

Be that as it may, many languages ​​today have two

forms of addressing one person: one with “you” is polite, the other with “you” is relaxed.

The Russian language was no exception, and you and I feel good when to use “you”, and when “you” is better. And yet, in some cases, the choice is difficult. Therefore, it is useful to find out what conditions the application of "you" or "you" satisfies. Let's turn to dictionaries.

“You ... Used in relation to one person (usually close), as well as in a rude, familiar manner ...

To be with someone on "you" and to say "you" to someone - to be with someone. in relationships where they say "you" to each other.

You ... Used when referring to several or many people, as well as a form of polite address to one person.

"You" is used when referring to close person and when communication is rude-familiar; "you" - in polite communication. True, the heterogeneity of the features highlighted in the dictionary is immediately striking: an appeal to a close person (you-communication) is opposed to an appeal to a “not close” - an unfamiliar (unfamiliar), not a friend; rude-familiar communication is opposed to overly polite and is associated with the mutual relations of the interlocutors. In what follows, we will just separate these various conditions, dictating the choice of one form or another, under different headings.

The first sign that should be highlighted is the degree of acquaintance with the addressee. You- we usually speak to a stranger and unfamiliar person, You- a well-known, close person.

A quick transition to acquaintance, while with a feeling of close acquaintance, is characteristic of young people (young people often get to know each other on "you"); middle-aged people and the elderly converge with each other more difficult.

Even close, friendly relations between people in some cases still do not lead to you-communication. This happens more often among people of the middle and older generation, intellectuals. One can imagine that such communication is associated with a feeling of increased respect for the interlocutor. In such cases, the transition to "you" is associated with the loss of special respect for the addressee, with the establishment of unwanted familiarity. B, Okudzhava said it well: “Why did we switch to “you”? For this, we got a penny of love and simplicity, And something important was lost ”(Why should we be on“ you ”, why?).

Colloquial speakers who do not know enough the norms of the literary language, just like “simple” people, often use you-forms in these conditions.

“A tall, round-shouldered man, coming close, said in a muffled bass:

Hello, brother.

Hello.

I shook the big callous hand extended to me ”(M. Sholokhov. The fate of man).

Communication on "you", expressed in this quote by greeting Great and appeal brother, possible only in combination with you-forms, characterizes the character as a carrier of vernacular, going to a casual friendly contact with a stranger; reciprocal you-formula Hello on the part of the author of the narrative, the writer, that is, a literate person, a native speaker of the literary language, demonstrates precisely the underlined (and necessary in this case) simplicity of relationships. In fact, if the vernacular, but friendly Hello, brother followed by a literary correct (to an unfamiliar!) Hello(but not Hello), then a further frank conversation would hardly have been possible, since a wall of inequality in role positions would have arisen between the interlocutors (and we will talk about this in the next chapter). This means that the relaxed, relaxed tone of communication was set precisely by the first replica, and the respondent obeyed it.

So, when choosing “you” or “you”, we take into account, first of all, whether the addressee is familiar or unfamiliar, besides, this person is unfamiliar or close.

Two in communication: the speaker himself (addresser) and his addressee. And the speaker can own literary language or it is not enough to own it. But even knowing the norms of the literary language, which require you-forms to an unfamiliar, the speaker sometimes applies the appeal to “you” to such an addressee, when he specifically emphasizes the simplicity of relations or equality with the interlocutor. Here, it turns out, how difficult it is!

The preference for you- or you-form can also be influenced by another reason, which we will call the formality - the informality of the communication environment. This is the second outward sign, which determines our choice.

Communication is considered official when it is associated with a particularly strict protocol of established rules: these are business negotiations, meetings, meetings, anniversary celebrations, etc. Under such conditions, you-forms are chosen. On the contrary, informal communication is most of all connected with the everyday sphere of interactions. At the same time, of course, unfamiliar and unfamiliar person in both informal and official settings, it is normally referred to as "you". With a well-known person, with whom the usual everyday communication is established on “you”, in an official setting it is possible to switch to you-communication.

When we talk about rules speech communication to "you" and "you", it is necessary to highlight one more, third sign that determines the choice of the form "you-you". This is the nature of the relationship of the speakers. If even with a long-term acquaintance, the speaker treats his addressee with restraint, coldly, then communication can be maintained in an emphatically polite manner, and then you-forms are chosen. With friendly, warm relations, the manner of communication is relaxed, trusting.

Let's draw conclusions. When the interlocutors are equal (or, as they say in social linguistics, in a symmetrical situation of communication), both choose either you-or you-forms, taking into account all the previously listed features. When the interlocutors are unequal (scientists call this an asymmetric communication situation), you-forms are sent to the older in age and position, and you-forms to the younger.

But this is where we run into difficulties. It can be accepted that the younger one must be significantly younger (for example, a child) in order to unconditionally refer to him as “you”. Not every young person, and even a teenager, who heard “you” sent to him by an unfamiliar adult, will accept this form of communication. As for the juniors in the ranks, there are often many misunderstandings here. However, today, in the conditions of production, you-communication on the part of superiors has, unfortunately, spread very widely. Well, if friendly relations are added here, the desire to demonstrate special trust, equality.

However, as we already understand, “you” is completely ambiguous. In a friendly atmosphere, with a deliberately benevolent attitude towards the interlocutor who is younger in age and official position, the “you” addressed to him can talk about something completely different: about special trust, about equating such an interlocutor with yourself. In this case, "you", as a sign of special trust, is evaluated positively by the addressee. Here, it turns out, how difficult are the “you” and “you” so well known to us.

Summarizing what has been said, we can summarize all the rules in a simplified table.

The form of address "you" speaks of a closer relationship with a person.“You” means respect that has arisen for someone on the basis of camaraderie, friendship or love. Respect is expressed in the form of care and attention to another. Thus, when referring to "you" you need to be essentially the same polite (sometimes more) as when referring to "you". Of course, when referring to "you", many, sometimes formal ceremonies, which testify only to an external form of politeness, disappear.

Those who, in the heat of a quarrel, switch from “you” to “you”, thereby trying to humiliate the enemy, in no way show their superiority, but only incontinence and bad manners.

It is customary for us that family members and other close relatives use “you” among themselves. Employees, colleagues, friends often refer to each other as "you". "You" in this case indicates close and warm companionship.

It is natural for children to say "you" to each other. Adults tell them "you" until they become teenagers. Usually, other people's children are addressed as "you" from the age of 14, that is, from the moment when they, having received a passport, are recognized as responsible for their actions.

How to turn after years of separation to your childhood friend, fellow practitioner or just an old colleague? In such an environment, you should, first of all, rely on your feelings. If already in those days you treated each other with sympathy, had common interests and so on, and if now mutual joy manifested itself at the meeting, then “you” will naturally and naturally fall from your lips. But if before there was no personal contact between you and there was no reason for its occurrence, then it would be more correct to address your former comrade as “you”.

If this sounds unusual and there is a need to switch to “you”, then this is much easier to do than to switch from “you” to “you”. In case of doubt, the right thing to do is to resolve the issue immediately, because the rejection of "you" is usually seen as a conscious distancing and even as a personal insult.

It may happen that you have forgotten how you addressed each other before. You can get out of this awkward situation by first using indirect address. Instead of "What are your plans now?" you can ask: "What are the plans now?"

Transition to "You". There are people who very quickly and easily switch to “you”, but there are also those who do this not very willingly, being sure that acquaintance is not enough to switch to “you”, special friendliness and cordiality are needed. For such people, “you” is internally grounded, and therefore they are much less likely to know the bitterness of disappointment.

In general, there are no rules when and under what conditions one can switch to “you”. It depends entirely on the nature of the people, and maybe on the situation.

Rules, good manners only provide how to switch to "you". Basic rule: the transition to “you” can be offered by the senior to the junior and the boss to the subordinate. Between a man and a woman, this rule is conditional. Allowing to say "you" is the right of a woman, a man can only ask for this form of address. With the offer to switch to "you" you need to be quite careful, because refusal can cause a feeling of embarrassment, especially for the one who made this offer. A young man can ask close elders to say “you” to him. At the same time, he himself continues to say “you” to them. If the elder allows himself to be called “you”, then the young man should take this as a sign of the greatest trust and behave accordingly: respect should be expressed in the tone and manner of conversation.

In many countries it is customary to drink on brotherhood, but not everywhere it is sealed with a kiss. The custom, which originated in German student corporations, is condemned even by the Germans themselves. A firm handshake is enough for brotherhood.