How to tactfully refuse. Saying “no” correctly is a real talent

IN modern world the ability to refuse is valuable, as is the ability to help. Having agreed once with what is unpleasant or does not want to be done, a person runs the risk that they will bother him to fulfill this request more than once.

Those who are not ready to make a reciprocal gesture will ask for help without remorse.

It happens that a person, having a reliable comrade nearby, constantly shifts part of his obligations onto him. Not everyone can say “no” culturally and competently. Let's look at the basic phrases that help you politely refuse a person without offending him:

1. Frank refusal. The method will be an effective refusal of a request from an annoying acquaintance. You should not look for excuses for not fulfilling a request - this will cause doubts in the person asking.
2. Sympathetic refusal. This type is suitable for people who seek a feeling of regret with their requests. It would seem that it is impossible to ignore the situation, but even here there will be an option to delicately reject the request, saying “I’m sorry, but I can’t help.”
3. Delayed refusal. The option will be suitable for people who are absolutely unable to say “no”. If for a person refusal is considered a whole drama, we suggest postponing it for a while.

   With the answers “I need to consult”, “I will give an answer later, when I return from vacation”, you can beautifully refuse impudent interlocutors.

4. Justified refusal. The essence this method consists of announcing real reason. For example, you need to go to the cinema with your child, go to your mother’s dacha, or attend a gala event.

   This type is suitable for refusing a meeting, and to be convincing, it is advisable to give 2-3 reasons.

5. Diplomatic refusal. The method is suitable for polite, reserved people who offer an alternative in return. Correctly refuse with the phrase “I can’t help, but I have a friend who is dealing with this issue.”
6. Compromise refusal. Suitable for people who always help those who ask. By correctly offering a compromise, you can turn the situation in your favor.

   If the interlocutor asks to babysit the child all day, answer: “I can babysit the baby, but only from 12 to 5 pm, due to the fact that I already have things planned.”

Know that you cannot refuse everyone. There will always be people who need the help and affection of strangers. Therefore, it is important to distinguish between individuals who really require help from those who simply want to shift their circumstances onto the shoulders of another person.

Options for different situations

Quite often it happens that a person has to do something that he has no desire to do. Situations surround people all the time: colleagues, boss, relatives, children, friends. In such a matter, it is important to show confidence, while remaining in good relationships.

Note! The most common request is for money. Having lent money to a person once, you can expect him to come back with a request again.

Psychologists agree that constant failure is fraught with stress, headaches, and insomnia. the main problem For such people - a decrease in time to satisfy their own needs, as well as the inability to live a personal life and fulfill their dreams.

Applicants appear from everywhere, they cannot be refused or offended, so you have to agree. Let's consider possible situations and their solutions.

Saying “no” to an intrusive stranger is easy - in this case, the need to value communication, authority or your position disappears. It’s another thing to give a negative answer to those with whom you don’t want discord in your relationship. When forming your refusal, pay attention to the following undesirable actions:

1. Do not look at your interlocutor and speak in incomprehensible phrases. Then the opponent will get the impression that the person is refusing, looking for all sorts of excuses for refusal.
2. Apologize constantly. If, after a negative answer, you are tormented by remorse, you should not show this to your interlocutor. This way you will contribute to his conclusions about guilt.
3. Talk too much. Such a move may raise the suspicion that a person is being deceived by trying to tell him a lie.
4. Operate with a large number of arguments. Maximum - 2 reasons for refusal, otherwise it will seem that other arguments were thought up on the fly.
5. Promise too good an alternative. Rid your opponent of false hope. If there is no good alternative in sight, it is better to refuse immediately.

There is always the option of partial failure - good way, if you don’t want to spoil your relationship with a person. It involves putting forward your own conditions, which the opponent must accept in order to achieve consensus.

Important! Do not promise a person golden options if you cannot fulfill the request - this will worsen your reputation, cause discord in communication, and ruin your authority.

A correct, polite refusal is the key to a long-lasting, calm relationship. Learn to do this correctly and only when you really cannot help the person.

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I don't know how to refuse. That is, of course, I try to say no politely, but I very rarely succeed. Usually all my attempts to politely refuse without offending the person end either in offense or in the phrase “okay, I’ll see what I can do.” The most extreme case - This . I don’t know if deception is small, for good, or half true. This is an even more difficult question.

Constantly deceive - not a very good solution, which in the end will still lead to conflict, since you will be completely confused and lie.

How to refuse your boss who Once again asks you to stay after work? How to say a firm “no” to your relatives without them being offended? How to let your friends know that you this moment can't you help them?

In fact, there are a huge number of options, we just don’t know about them.

Your offer sounds very tempting, but unfortunately I have too much to do right now

With the phrase “this sounds very tempting,” you let the person know that his offer interests you. And the second part says that you would love to participate (or help), but at the moment you have too many urgent tasks.

It’s a nice refusal, but from my own experience I can say that for close friends or relatives it’s only suitable once or twice, and even then not in a row. If you refuse them in this way for the third time, the fourth time no one will offer you anything. This is especially true for picnics and other entertainment events.

Remember once or twice - and then either change your social circle (for some reason you constantly refuse them?), or finally go somewhere. What if you like it?

But for people you don’t see very often, this answer is perfect.

I'm very sorry, but when was the last time I did such and such, I had a negative experience

Mental or emotional trauma - another interesting option. Only a sadist will continue to insist that a person do something that he did not like. Or a complete optimist with the slogan “What if the second time is better?!”

Although with some grandmothers trying to feed their emaciated offspring, the answers “I don’t eat meat,” “I’m lactose intolerant,” or “I don’t like boiled vegetables” don’t work.

But if we say that in last time after you drank milk and couldn't be in society all day due to stomach problems, you may be saved. Granny, of course, will look at you a little askance and with a slight reproach, but she will not pour it into the cup with the words: “Well, this is homemade, from Aunt Klava, nothing will come of it!”

I would love to, but...

Another good way to refuse. You would love to help, but, unfortunately, you can’t at the moment. Just don't go into lengthy explanations of why.

Firstly, when you start explaining something in detail, you gradually begin to feel yourself. And secondly, in this way you give the person the opportunity to latch on to something in your story and persuade you.

Just a short and clear answer. No essays on the topic “I would love to, but you understand, I need to do...”.

To be honest, I don't know much about this. Why don't you ask N, he's a pro at this

This is by no means a switch.

If you've been asked to do something or give advice and you don't feel competent enough, why not suggest someone who really knows about it? This way you will not only not offend the person, but also show that you care and are trying to help as much as you can.

I can't do this, but I'll be happy to help with...

On the one hand, you refuse to do what they are trying to impose on you, on the other - Still, you help and at the same time choose what you want to do.

You look great, but I don't quite understand it

What to do if a friend bought a dress that, to put it mildly, doesn’t really suit her. Here the dilemma arises: who more friend» - the one who will tell the truth, or the one who will say that she looks great in all her outfits?! This applies not only to appearance, but also to the choice of apartment, job and life partner, in the end.

But who are we to talk freely about fashion? If we were, for example, famous designers, then we could criticize and immediately offer several other options to choose from.

And if not? Then either tell it like it is, if you are confident in the adequacy of your girlfriend or boyfriend, or turn the arrows on some celebrity from the world.

It sounds great! But, unfortunately, I have a very busy schedule now. Let me call you back...

This answer is great when the option is interesting, but right now you're not really in a position to help. This way, you not only do not offend the person, but also leave yourself the opportunity to join the offer that interests you a little later.

Even at psychology lectures at the university, we were taught that we must refuse by starting a sentence with the word “yes” and then adding the notorious “but”.

It works, however, not always. It all depends on the situation and the person. You won’t be able to fuss for a long time and sooner or later you will have to explain why it’s still “no”.

But if you are diplomatic and firm enough, then over time people will know that if you refuse, it is not because you are simply lazy or do not want to have anything to do with them, but because you are a very busy person and will definitely you can, but a little later. Ultimately, people must learn to respect you and your opinions. As are you, by the way. - someone else's.

MENSBY

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Many take advantage of your kindness, and when you refuse, they accuse you of complete selfishness and heartlessness? Living the way you want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others should think and live the way you want.

There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can contact them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. Many consider this quality of their character to be a human virtue, because it is beneficial to always “have at hand” such a “no-failure” person in order to transfer some of your problems onto him.

However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?

People who cannot say “no” often do not have enough time for their own affairs and personal lives, although they can, at best, count on a dubious compliment as gratitude for their reliability.

A striking example of a reliable person and what the inability to refuse leads to is the old film “Autumn Marathon” with Oleg Basilashvili in leading role. The hero of the film is not young, but he never learned to refuse and live the way he wants. His life was almost over, but he never became a person because he always lived the way others wanted.

Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively take advantage of their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim is looking for an executioner. And even if the “non-refusal person” suddenly rebels and refuses to play the role of a lifesaver, he will immediately be accused of complete selfishness and heartlessness.

There are golden words that everyone should remember: “Living the way you want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others should think and live the way you want.”

Why are people afraid to say no?

People who fulfill other people's requests against their wishes most often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say “no,” but they are so afraid of embarrassing or offending another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they do not like at all.

Many people later regret what they once wanted, but were unable to say “no”.

Often, when people refuse, they say the word “no” as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some kind of unpleasant reaction will follow. Indeed, many are not used to being rejected, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relationships, etc.

Some people don't say “no” for fear of becoming unwanted and being left alone.
How to refuse politely?

By saying “no,” we often make enemies for ourselves. However, it is worth remembering that what is more important for us is to offend someone with a refusal or to take upon ourselves the fulfillment of obligations that burden us. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude manner. For example, the same diplomats try not to say “yes” or “no,” replacing them with the words “Let’s discuss this.”

When saying “no”, it is worth remembering that:

this word can protect against problems;

can mean “yes” if pronounced hesitantly;
successful people say “no” more often than “yes”;
by refusing what we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel like a winner.

There are several simple ways polite refusal, which show that this task is within the power of everyone.

1. Outright refusal

Some people believe that when refusing something, you must give a reason for the refusal. This is a misconception. First, explanations will look like excuses, and excuses will give the person asking hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for the refusal. If you invent it, the lie may later be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincerely often gives himself away with his facial expressions and voice.

Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply say “no” without adding anything else. You can soften the refusal by saying: “No, I can’t do this,” “I don’t want to do this,” “I don’t have time for this.”

If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the “broken record” method, repeating the same words of refusal after each of his tirades. There is no need to interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say “no.”

This method is suitable for refusing aggressive and overly persistent people.

2. Compassionate refusal

This technique is suitable for refusing people who tend to get their way with their requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help.

For example, “I’m very sorry for you, but I can’t help you.” Or “I see that it’s not easy for you, but I can’t solve your problem.”

3. Justified refusal

This is a fairly polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal or informal. It is suitable both when refusing to older people and when refusing to people occupying a higher position on the career ladder.

This refusal assumes that you give a valid reason why you cannot fulfill the request: “I can’t do this because I’m going to the theater with my child tomorrow,” etc.

It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing when using it is the brevity of the wording so that the person asking quickly grasps the essence.

4. Delayed refusal

This method can be used by people for whom refusing someone’s request is a psychological drama, and they almost automatically respond with consent to any request. People of this type often doubt that they are right and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.

Delayed refusal allows you to think about the situation and, if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say “no” immediately, but to ask for time to make a decision. This way you can insure yourself against rash steps.

A justified refusal might look like this: “I can’t answer right now because I don’t remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I have arranged to meet someone. I’ll need to look at my weekly planner to confirm.” Or “I need to consult at home,” “I need to think. I’ll tell you later,” etc.

You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.

5. Compromise refusal

Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unrealistic to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the terms of assistance - what and when we can and what we cannot.

For example, “I can take your child to school with mine, but just let him be ready by eight o’clock.” Or “I can help you do repairs, but only on Saturdays.”

If such conditions do not suit the requester, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.

6. Diplomatic refusal

It involves a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we don’t want or can’t, but together with the person asking, we look for a solution to the problem.

For example, “I can’t help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues.” Or “Perhaps I can help you in another way?”

In response to examples different techniques refusal, one can argue that it is necessary to help people and that by refusing others, we ourselves risk finding ourselves in a difficult situation when we have nothing to count on anyone’s help. notice, that we're talking about only about the requests of people who are accustomed to “playing with one goal,” believe that everyone is obliged to them and abuse the reliability of other people.

Many people are completely unable to refuse, while others skillfully take advantage of this, turning into manipulators. It is not right. You need to learn to refuse competently and politely, but at the same time firmly and unambiguously.

Before learning how to refuse, it is worth finding out the reason why people do not know how to refuse and fulfill every request, although this greatly interferes with their life. Most often, people are afraid to say no because they are not sure that the friendship will survive after a refusal. This is a completely wrong position, since through constant self-sacrifice it is impossible to earn either friendship, much less respect.

How to politely refuse someone

There are three main refusal techniques, which will be discussed in detail below.

Refuse without saying no

Sometimes, the simpler and more accessible the response to a request is formulated, the faster the futility of his demands will become clear to the petitioner. A simple refusal consists of saying the word “no.” However, for many it is difficult to refuse directly, or the chain of command does not allow this. In these cases, it is worth using the soft refusal technique.

Soft refusal

The use of this method allows us to somewhat smooth out the severity of the refusal. To politely refuse people, at the first stage it is necessary to show attentiveness and courtesy to the applicant. If his question is not entirely clear, it is necessary to clarify everything he did. What if there is still an opportunity to help him? If this is not possible, then you need to gently say that this matter is in the competence of another person, and you do not have time and you will not be able to help. It is definitely worth emphasizing that if you refuse, you are very sorry. You need to prepare for the fact that the petitioner will begin to press for pity or threaten. In this situation, under no circumstances should you enter into controversy, but only repeat the refusal.

Mixed failure

This method is somewhat reminiscent of the technique of working with customer objections when selling. Using this method, you can repel even the most capable manipulator. The only condition is complete calm during the conversation and a firm intention to defend your point of view. When communicating with a persistent petitioner, it is very effective to repeat his last phrases - this is one of the methods of how to refuse without saying no. The thing is that repetitions make it clear to the manipulator that the refusal is not due to the fact that the person did not understand the request.

When you refuse, you must always remember that by making such a decision, you are only defending your own opinion, and are not violating anyone’s rights at all.

How to refuse a request

Sometimes it is very difficult for us to refuse a person, especially when he insists on your help. You are faced with a choice: refuse, offending the person, or fulfill the request, but end up with a lot of difficulties and problems. At the same time, quite often we choose the second option, and, going out of our way, fulfill the person’s request.

If the person asking is offended by you for refusing, think about why he is doing this. There are times when someone does you a favor and then expects you to reciprocate. Moreover, his request is actually a demand, which is dressed in a request only out of politeness. This is very a difficult situation, so try not to fall into such complex cases, and never ask a person for a favor if you know that he may demand something in return soon. In such cases, you can offer the person some kind of alternative, that is, help in a different form.

If a person asks for something too persistently, then, as a rule, this is an ordinary manipulator. Basically, such people are not capable of providing assistance, and in principle you cannot expect any serious services from them. Perhaps you have already helped him once, so he turns to you again. And if you fulfill his request this time, he will ask you again and again and again ad infinitum.

You may not explain the reasons for the refusal, this is your right, but, unfortunately, very often the person asking begins to argue with you, you may even lie, which is unpleasant, just to finish this question. There is no need to sit and make excuses to the person, just say that you cannot fulfill his request, and that’s it.

If it is inconvenient for you to refuse, but you are also unable to fulfill his request, then you can offer to help the person asking to resolve the issue differently. Be sure to start the conversation with the fact that you would really like to help him, but given certain circumstances, you cannot do this now. But you can help in another way, and you will be happy to do so. Perhaps such a refusal will be received positively, and you will not ruin your relationship with this person.

Remember, no one has the right to force you to do anything. If you decide to refuse a request, refuse boldly, perhaps this person will be offended by you later, but you need to choose what is convenient for you - survive this person’s offense or get a lot of problems and troubles.

How to refuse a manager

Is your manager burdening you with a lot of extra work? How to prevent yourself from being taken advantage of without getting fired? How to refuse a manager? Most employees ask themselves these questions at least once in their lives. It turns out that you just need to learn to say “no.” If at the very beginning of your work you let your boss know that you know how to refuse, then in the future he will not have the desire to burden you with tasks overtime.

It is necessary to understand the reasons for this behavior of your manager. Look around. Do your colleagues stay late after work or does your boss consider you the weak link? In the first case, you need to choose: whether to join the workers or leave the company, since going against the team will be difficult. Perhaps he decided that you simply could not refuse him. And with all this, he does not doubt your professionalism and, perhaps, considers you one of the best. He would hardly entrust an important job to a bad employee.

Having established the reason, you may well demand a promotion or increase in your position. wages. The manager himself must take care of this, but practice shows that this happens extremely rarely.

As if casually, ask whether the additional load will be paid. You should show your manager that you respect yourself and your work and will not work for free. Therefore, when you are burdened with additional work, ask what additional payment you will be given after completing it.

Do not under any circumstances show your fear in front of your leader, he is the same person as you, and, undoubtedly, you can also come to an agreement with him. Give up overtime, reminding the manager about the employment contract, which carefully spells out your work schedule.

It is possible that the boss does not remember that some type of work is not included in your job responsibilities. Tell him about this in a polite manner, and most likely the incident will be resolved. Refusing is not as difficult as it seems.

To refuse your manager, explain to him the next time he approaches you with a request that you are already busy with work, and the additional workload may affect quality. It is possible that for him at the moment it is more important to complete the work with which he approached you, and current tasks can be postponed.

If you can't find mutual language with your manager, and you still don’t know how to refuse the manager, then in the end, the light did not converge on one organization. Leave this place.